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8.7k · Feb 2014
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
She reads
                                          And she sleeps
                                                      Way too much
                                                            ­           It's her coping defence
                                                                ­               When nothing else will suffice
                                                         ­               She needs to get away
                                                       Without actually leaving
                                             Because she's too scared
                                   And too tired
                                            To leave her bed
                                                      So she cracks open a book
                                                            ­     To escape somewhere far away
                                                            ­             And she'll sob for the characters
                                                      ­                       Whose brokenness resembles hers
                                                            ­                                   And then she'll sleep
                                                           ­                                   And have sweet dreams
                                                          ­              Of realities that are not her own
                                                       Because pretending is so much easier
                                                 Than facing reality
                             So she'll sleep and dream
          And secretly wish she won't wake up
So she can finally escape
6.1k · May 2015
Theia Gwen May 2015
People always tell you that it can get better
What they neglect to tell you is how much worse it gets
Before the better part comes
In every eating disorder novel,
You can always perfectly pinpoint the moment
The protagonists steps over the line of unwell
Into well
This whole 'recovery' deal sounded good enough at first
I get to eat Luna Bars,
I have positive quotes all over the place,
I meditate and do yoga all day,
I somehow reach the a level of Enlightenment
Usually reserved for Buddhist monks
And I don't have to live with a ******* eating disorder anymore
I bought a recovery journal
To talk back to my mental illness
But so far my depression has taken control of the pen
I bought a adult coloring book
To help me de-stress
But I still only want to color a river on my wrists a crimson color

I keep thinking there's a way to be a functional bulimic
Or even better, a functional anorectic
A way that I can be recovered and enlightened and normal
And still dissect each and every meal
As if I was dealing with something ***** and impure
Is it still recovery if I can't fight the voices in my head?
Is if still recovery if I don't even try?
Is it still recovery if I still can't look in the mirror,
want the outside to mirror the chaos inside,
crave sunken cheeks and fallen out hair
That I want to preform a vanishing act right before your eyes
See my skin cave in, bones protruding
I used to think that eating disorders were about beauty
But now I realize they're about pain
And perfection and punishment
And I had to live through it to see that

I seem to never be able to do anything right
And my eating disorder was supposed to remedy that
I was good at self destruction
I was good at sitting at dinner, sipping diet coke
Feeling oh, so superior and smiling brightly
As I said that I'd already eaten
And begged my stomach pains not to betray me then
But now I've failed at having an eating disorder
And at not having an eating disorder
And I can't live anymore in this shade of gray
Coloring everything and ruling my thoughts
I don't want to be in "recovery"
I want to be recovered
Because no one tells you
How you'll cry through every single meal
How you'll see yourself grow in the mirror and not know
What's real and what's not
No one tells you
That an eating disorder never goes away
That you'll never diet again
That trying to lose weight in recovery isn't a good idea

The worst thing about an eating disorder
Is that there is no such thing as abstinence
Recovery is not one decision
It is a decision you will have to make
Every time you find yourself looking down at a plate
And at first, you'll have to pray to the gods
For indulging in the sins of being a human
But someday, maybe someday
Those prayers will go somewhere else
I have no idea what this is. I just needed to ramble.
5.4k · Mar 2014
Variables Of My First Kiss
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
I don't care where
Or how,
Or when,
Nor what,
Nor why
The question to me is who
The only variable of my first kiss
I care about is that the lips I kiss belong to you
So I'm going out with my boyfriend today and apparently he told one of my friends he was going to try to kiss me so kinda freaking out.
4.5k · Apr 2014
Light Pollution
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I told you over the phone
That you were as beautiful
As the stars that dotted the sky
But you lived in a big, bright city
And could only see a few dozen
While I could see thousands
You couldn't know the half of it
So I told you over the phone
That you were as beautiful
As the stars in your new lover's eyes
And you finally understood
"Normally, about 2,500 individual stars are visible to the human eye without using any special equipment. But because of light pollution, you actually see just 200 to 300 from today’s suburbs, and fewer than a dozen from a typical city." How sad is that?
3.8k · Apr 2014
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I found heaven on earth
In my room last night
All it took was one touch
And I felt myself take flight
And in my solitude  
I don't need anyone else
You may call it sin,
I call it falling in love with myself
Of course my 100th poem on here had to be about *******. I checked the guidelines before writing this and I hope this doesn't count as obscene although I don't see how it would since ******* is normal and perfectly natural.
2.9k · Jan 2014
That's Why I'm An Atheist
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
When I was little, every Sunday I’d go to Church
I was a child drunk off of fairy tales and day dreams
And I loved the idea that we could go to heaven when we died
And the pastor looked me in the eyes and said
"God is with you."
And like any 5 year old would, I believed him

My family bowed our heads and prayed before every meal
But halfway through dinner they’d start yelling
And I remembered what the pastor told me
So I covered my ears and asked God to make it stop
But I felt all alone
And that’s why I’m an atheist

At school the kids would pick on me
I didn’t understand why they didn’t want me as a friend
And I prayed to God that they’d stop
But I also prayed for them too
Because I was a good Christian
And good Christians love their enemies
But nothing changed
And that’s why I’m an atheist

I remember the first time my mom hit me
One time during a fight
She told me I was stupid and worthless
And after a while I started believing what she said
I started to wonder
How could someone so hateful
Call them self a Christian?
And that’s why I’m an atheist

I prayed that God would make me beautiful
Because I wasn’t skinny
And I knew I wasn't good enough for that boy I liked
But every time I looked in the mirror, I felt the same
So I stopped kneeling in prayer
And started kneeling in front of the toilet
And that’s why I’m an atheist

I haven’t prayed in 5 years now
I have only one request of God if he exists
That he end the pain right now
But nothing happens
So once again, I will have to do things on my own
And standing so close to the edge
I think about how I used to love the idea of life after death
But now I’m obsessed with the thought that when I do
They’ll be nothing coming after
And I can have eternal sleep
And that’s why I’m an atheist
2.6k · Apr 2014
Good Intentions
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I am the spawn
Of a defective *****
And a reluctant egg
If there is a God
I'm sure he took
The utmost care
With his needle and thread
Because everyone will reap what they sow
And all I am is flaws
Stitched together
With good intentions
Because all my life
I've only ever had
Good intentions
And my heart is so full
Of love for other people
That there is none left for me
Let's talk Biology
There are over 37 trillion cells in a human body
That's ******* amazing
And every single cell is working with
A common purpose:
To keep you alive
So knowing that
Why do I so often find myself
Crying until I fall asleep
With thoughts that It would be better
If I didn't wake?
I also know the brain itself
Cannot feel pain
So maybe
My brain doesn't know
What it's doing to itself
As wicked thoughts
Dance from every synapse
Maybe it just has
Good intentions
Maybe my words could change someone
Maybe the letters I stitch so carefully
Could have some ounce of an impact on someone
And that's all I've ever wanted
But my thoughts will remain like hermits
Locked in a cage with no key
While I continue on with my good intentions
Because the road to hell
Has always been paved
By those with
Good intentions
2.6k · Nov 2015
I fell out of love
Theia Gwen Nov 2015
Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I put the blade down
Once again
The gleam of silver shining
Obstructing my view
Imagining metallic
Deep in my skin
I pick it up,
Put it down,
Pick it up again
I choose the latter
I choose the latter
Pick it up again
Put it down
I pick it up
Deep in my skin
Imagining metallic
Obstructing my view
The gleam of silver shining
Once again
I put the blade down
It's amazing how just reading a poem backwards can change its meaning entirely. :)
2.5k · Apr 2014
I Am Not A Sadist
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I must be a *******
For falling in love with you
And you must also be a *******
For loving me too

Of all the types of self harm
You were the sweetest
And when I wanted to shut everyone out
You were my one weakness

And you must be a *******
For trying to pick up broken glass
But I am not a sadist and I won't let you
Hurt yourself whenever I crash
2.3k · Jun 2014
Theia Gwen Jun 2014
That boy is warm freshly printed papers
Stuffed in his overflowing binder
That boy is the leaves being painted
In early November

That boy is Pokémon cards skewed all over the floor
Who never signed up for this 'growing up' thing
That boy is a huge stuffed frog on Valentine's
Lessening the winter's violent sting

That boy is obscure facts of the arcane
A curiosity never satisfied  
That boy has an ever expanding brain
And long hands that reek of formaldehyde

That boy is beautiful freckles
"Splotches of melanin" as he puts it
That boy is compliments I don't deserve
And a love I just can't quit

That boy is a long way down
A relationship that's nowhere close to flawless
That boy is worth the fall because that boy
Is my dear Nicholas
2.3k · Mar 2014
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Cassie and Lia
Or Ana and Mia?
I don't know who we are anymore
Best friends or competitors?
Both fighting for a place at the morgue
As the first snow falls,
Our blood intermingles
In a pact to be the skinniest of them all
And no one else can see
That we're stuck in a blizzard
Doing anything for beauty
Icy veins and frozen hearts
Numbers shrinking on the scale
Metallic blades leaving scars
Pretty pills and bathroom stalls,
Diet coke and working out,
This is all that we are
We used to be innocent Cassie and Lia,
But when I look in the mirror
I only see Ana and Mia
Based off of the book Wintergirls by one of my favorite authors, Laurie Halse Anderson. It's about two girls struggling with eating disorders, Cassie and Lia.
2.1k · Apr 2014
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I once knew a boy
Who breathed in words like air
We crafted a book together
And selected each sentence with great care

That boy was the best part of every genre
He flowed like sweet poetry,
Kept my thoughts racing like a thriller,
And never gave everything away like all good mysteries  

But that boy left cold turkey
Scrawled me a messy ending
He would never bother to rewrite
I guess that he was only pretending

I never thought you
Would pull a Mockingjay on me
Unsatisfied and bitter
Is how I will forever be

Because our love is a cliffhanger
And you pushed me over the edge
The days waiting for you like
The wind carrying ripped pages

It was anticlimactic
No closure in sight
You let go like it was nothing
While I hold on with all my might

And so you will continue
To breathe in hearts
The way you do air
To you, it's become an art

I will carry on
Gripping a jutting branch called hope
I'll pray you give me a sequel
To the romance we wrote
I had to insult Mockingjay, i'm sorry. I just had to.
2.0k · May 2014
Theia Gwen May 2014
It's so easy
To slice through those
Writs of yours;
It's so easy
To make an excuse
Not to eat;
It's so easy
To smoke yourself
To death;
It's so easy
To open your mouth
And purge your problems away;
But it's so hard
To open your mouth
And speak
Not my best. I've been having writer's block when it comes to poetry and my depression has just come back full force so I've been doing more sleeping than anything else.
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
Tick, Tock I can't stop staring at the clock
Waiting for this period to end
Tick, Tock 82 minutes
Until I'll see you again

Tick, Tock still staring at the clock
It's quite embarrassing to confess
That as i'm sitting here with 65 minutes left
All I'm thinking is when i'll see you next

Tick, Tock what's wrong with that clock?
It says I have to wait another half hour
I've been sitting her an eternity
Tick, Tock I know that clock is a liar

Tick Tock, my eyes plastered to the clock
Why can't time go faster?
Tick, Tock 15 minutes on the clock
Until I hear your laughter

Tick, Tock 5 more minutes on the clock
I'ts quite silly of me
That I measure time by when I'll see you again
Tick, Tock please go quicker, you stupid clock

Tick, Tock one more minute on the clock
Until our brief encounter
Tick Tock my heart beats like a clock
The bell rings as a reminder

Tick, Tock I'm done staring at the clock
And now, I'll search for your face
We spot each other but can only speak for a minute
Tick, Tock why can't time just stop?

Tick, Tock the teacher point to the clock
I'm always late for class
Tick, Tock it starts all over again
Just staring at the clock
Until I see you again
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
There was a boy who loved a girl
And that girl adored that boy
The boy was happy and loved himself
The girl was full of self hatred and couldn't feel any joy

He didn't understand why she hated herself, couldn't she see he loved her even if she was depressed?
She couldn't understand why he liked her, couldn't he see she was a mess?

"You're such a narcissist." She'd laugh but she was secretly jealous
And she wondered how it felt to like yourself

She was amazed at how he always seemed to overestimate her abilities
He was stunned at how she always seemed to underestimate herself

She knew he deserved better though and tried to retract
But they were too in love and this is proof that
Opposites really do attract
My boyfriend and I have this running gag where he'll pretend to be self absorbed and have a huge ego and I thought it was weird how when it came to how we felt about ourselves, we were so different and so I wrote this. Not one of my best but I think it's okay. I dedicate this to Nick, for loving me even when I hated myself. He's also not really a narcissist.
1.9k · Jan 2014
Mirror Mirror
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the skinniest of them all?
Mirror mirror I don't like what I see
For once, can the skinniest one be me?

Mirror mirror on the wall
I want to be the skinniest of them all
Mirror mirror I'll make you a deal
Will you make me beautiful if I skip all my meals?

Mirror mirror on the wall
I'm still not the skinniest of them all
Mirror mirror I don't like the number on the scale
Can I please skip to the end of this tale?

Mirror mirror on the wall
Why aren't I the skinniest of them all?
Mirror mirror I only ate an apple today
Is that enough to keep the doctor away?

Mirror mirror on the wall
Didn't I deserve to be the skinniest of them all?
Mirror mirror my skin as white as snow
Won't be satisfied until I reach 0

Mirror mirror shattered on the ground
I try to scream but I can't make a sound
Mirror mirror, what have you done to me?
I once was your slave but now I want free

Mirror mirror I lay destroyed just like you
I won't let you take my life too
Mirror mirror I lay barely breathing on the floor
Hoping a prince will find me with a cure
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
If our love story were in photographs
You'd see two socially awkward teenagers
Completely candid and unchoreographed
Quick little snapshots of two people who slowly became friends

You'd see moments of a girl falling for a boy with black curls and skinny jeans
Her depth of field was shallow and she couldn't see she was obsessing over the wrong person
Her mind was muddles by her crush and she couldn't see clearly through her lens

You'd see her slowly lose affection for the boy in skinny jeans
And her f-stop finally let the light in
Her brunnette best friend started occupying her dreams
Oh no, she couldn't be falling for her best friend?

You'd see time lapse photography of a girl who couldn't admit the truth
Every girl thinks of kissing her best guy friend, right?
She knew that in a game of love, she would always lose
He occupied her brain like works of modern art

You'd find a picture of a girl who finally accepted how she felt
And stopped seeing things in monochrome
She took a chance at love
And captured the best picture of them all
Oh, god. All of the bad photography puns. It fits though since I met him in photography. I wanted to expand the ideas in my poem B21 and I mean the world of photography puns was wide open!
1.8k · Mar 2014
Never Good Enough
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
You never fail
To point out every single flaw
Never forget to remind me
Of everything I do wrong
I was stupid getting 60's,
Still stupid on honor roll
And you never cared about my ADHD
Always comparing me to someone else
I already know how worthless I am
I tell myself all the time
No, this isn't teenage angst
I've been sad for years
You've made me feel alone
And that's why I love him,
He told me the things you should have said
All along
I think this revelation is far overdue
The fault isn't in me,
The fault is in you
To my mother.
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Mint gum,
Sweaty palms,
Holding hands,
Am I doing this wrong?

Easy laughs,
Your green eyes,
Flirting's hard
I feel like i'll die

5 months
And we're still lost
Our first kisses
Your lips are soft
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Love should come with a warning label
Telling us to look before we fall
Reminding us there might be no one to catch us
Before we risk it all
Love has many side effects
Not being able to think clearly,
Drawing hearts in notebooks,
An increase in insecurity
Love is an addicting drug
That should be used with caution
Love can mess with your health
It can make you obsessive and compulsive
The most dangerous think about love however
Is when you finally find your Romeo
You'll never know if his love is true
Or if you received a placebo
1.6k · Mar 2014
The Pen Is Mightier
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
I've never liked the expression
'Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will never hurt me."
I think it undermines the power of words
It's undeniable that words have an impact on people
Letters strung together can sting a person's soul
When they are spoken with a tongue used like a whip
Words evoke passion,
They inspire us,
Make our blood boil,
Horrify us,
And yes, they can hurt us
To say that words can't hurt,
Is to demean all that words do
Look at Marat,
Martin Luther,
And tell me words can't change the world
Words are what I turn to when I have nothing left
I'd rather my bones break,
That would be much better,
Than to lose my dignity,
To have a record of voices
Tell me I'm useless,
I'm stupid,
I'm fat,
I'm never good enough
Always on repeat,
Always on my mind,
Always ringing true
Maybe I'm over analytical
Maybe I care too much
About things said in the past
But here's to all the "I love you's"
All the "I hate you's"
To saying "I don't give a ****"
The pen is indeed mightier than the sword
Because your words
Are what made me turn the blade
On myself
1.5k · Feb 2014
How Dare You
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
How dare you call yourself pro life
And then make me want to **** myself

How dare you say that you're a Christian
And then act with hatred and intolerance

How dare you tell your friends about your new diet plan
While I'm silently throwing up dinner upstairs

How dare you ignore and insult me
And then get angry at the fact that I'm withdrawn

How dare you tell me you love me
While my tears flow down my bruising cheek

How dare you destroy me on the inside
And wonder why I'm showing it on the outside

How dare you boast about my high grades
When you used to call me stupid when I was slow to learn

And how ******* dare you call yourself my mother
When you've become my worst enemy
To my dear lovely mother, who else?
1.5k · Jan 2014
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
Her mother pushed religious ******* down her throat
But she refused to listen
Her mother pulled her hair and took away her hope
But she had accepted long ago her mothers love had conditions
Her mother always let her get caught in the crossfire of her anger
But she just locked herself in her room to forget
Her mother constantly called her a failure
But she didn't need her mother to remind her of her regrets
Her mother was fed up with her passive aggressive behavior
But she knew she deserved better than this neglect
Her mother always yelled at her for never talking
And she let hollow silence be her reply
It wasn't until her mother said "You should **** yourself."
That she happily complied
1.5k · Jan 2014
The 5 Senses Of Beauty
Theia Gwen Jan 2014

Beauty looks like protruding bones
Photoshop, and makeup to cover tired eyes
Girls in magazines who emanate elegance
Even though the perfect girls are only a guise
That's what beauty looks like

2. Hearing

Beauty sounds like that girl you hardly know saying "*** you've lost so much weight!"
You feel happy for a split second even though you don't see it
It's standing up a little straighter when hearing someone call, "You look really great."
But the voices still say "It's not enough."
That's what beauty sounds like

3. Taste

Beauty tastes like diet coke, since it's the only thing you'll drink
Tastes like bile and the salty tears running down your cheeks
After you just puked
It tastes like binging food that you bought really cheap
That's what beauty tastes like

4. Smell

Beauty smells like febreze mixed with *****
In a pathetic attempt to hide what you just did
It smells like a million foods vying for your attention
But keeping self control even though you want to quit
That's what beauty smells like

5. Touch

Beauty feels like running your hands across your collar bone
Because it gives you the illusion you're thin
It feels like your stomach releasing an overdue groan
Because you've been eating as if there is a famine
It feels like grabbing the fat on your body while your mind complains
Beauty is feeling the knife in your back reminding you
"Beauty is pain."
1.5k · Apr 2014
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
Don't eat those pomegranate seeds
Don't gloss those beautiful lips
With the sticky liquid of death
Heaven seems so far away
When you're stuck in hell
And the devil has an incessant need
To deform all things beautiful
And to separate you
From everyone you love
And the ashy snow will fall
Until you're with me again
Because all I have is memories
Of you dancing in the spring blooms
But now you're laying among asphodel
And I know it's hard to see the other side
Because depression has a relentless need
To touch all things pure
But I know
Spring will come again
1.5k · Mar 2014
2AM You
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
It's impossible to know a person
Really, truly know them
Until you have a conversation at 2AM
Right before you fall asleep
The most human you can be,
There's no wrong or right
Just words filling the silence
Let me see your insecurities,
Your dreams,
Tell me things about you
That I wouldn't know
Remind me I'm not the only person
With problems and that
No one's exempt from suffering
I want to hear it all
Your heart and mind
There's no better time
For a lobotomy
No better time
To not be alone
I'm glad we got to philosophize
Because you don't really, truly
Know someone
Until you converse at 2AM
And it was a pleasure to meet
2AM you
At a sleepover me and my friend stayed up till 2 and we just talked and it was really nice.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
Heart thumping
Face on the desk
We're talking about suicide
And I know what comes next

She tells us not to look
We have to close our eyes
She says it's an anonymous survey
And I wonder if I should lie

Raising our hands is a yes
And everything inside me
Screams no while I
Try to calm my bouncing knee

I raise a tentative hand
When she asks if we've considered suicide
That tentative hand raise is the largest step I've taken
And part of me feels peace deep down inside
In Health class today we were talking about suicide and she told us to close our eyes and put our heads on the desk and she asked us a few questions about suicide and I've never told anyone blatantly that I've been suicidal so this is a small step I suppose.
1.4k · Feb 2014
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
She's just looking for attention
That has to be it, right?
Just a melodramatic girl
They ignore all the signs

She's just looking for attention
That's what they're all saying
It's funny how when it's all said and done
They'll cry that they didn't see it coming

She's just looking for attention
They yell "You shouldn't joke about suicide!"
She represses a bitter laugh and thinks
Too bad I won't see your reaction to the punchline
It ****** me off how depression and suicide are so stigmatized that people can't reach out for help without being called an attention seeker. I hate how our society can't have real conversations about suicide and every sign is ignored. I don't know. I've been really suicidal recently.
Theia Gwen May 2014
I am stuck in a long hallway
Of mirrors
Each one shows something new
And unfamiliar
I can't even tell
Which one is me
Because I have expectations
But I can't see reality
I wish I could just perform
A vanishing act
Because I can't stand
The image that reflects
I am done with seeing
Elongated arms and chubby legs
And that twisted symphony
Repeating in my head
The number on the scale
Can never get too small    
Cause the mirror looks the same
When I leave the bathroom stall
Always something different
I just wish there was consistency
Because these carnival mirrors
Have got me hating all of me
On body dysmorphic disorder and bulimia. I pretty much feel this way every time I look into a mirror.
1.4k · Apr 2014
Lower Middle Class Girl
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I have such high aspirations
But I feel so low
Tell me, can I live a happy life
Without giving up my soul?

And none of my dreams
Are grounded in reality
Why should I pay thousands
To be who I want to be?

I'm not too proud of my address
Daddy can't buy me every pretty thing
I'm just a girl in the lower middle class
In a world where money is king
I really want to get a PhD in Psychology and become a therapist when I grow up, but I'm terrified I won't have the money and will have to compensate my dreams.
1.4k · Apr 2014
Day Of Silence
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I refuse to stay silent
I've participated in the day of silence twice now
The first time in 8th grade
We got cards that explained why we weren't speaking
I stayed silent the whole day
And felt quite special about it too
Lunch was a long game of charades
And I thought to myself
"I can't wait for the next day of silence."
And I hardly thought about why I was being silent
To begin with

9th grade I did it again
I brought a whole pack of sticky notes with me
And by the end of the day,
I felt the need to plant a tree
To pay the world back for all the paper wasted
I broke my silence by lunch time
Because my friend needed to tell me
How much she wanted to ask this girl out
And I wanted to ask this boy out
And I went home that night
Hardly thinking about why
I was (mostly) silent that day

April 11th would be my third year
Participating in the Day Of Silence
If I was participating
Which I won't be
Not become I'm homophobic or anything
Oh, no
But I began to think about being silent
And what it accomplished
What does it accomplish?
I realize it's supposed to be symbolic
Of LGBT youth whose voices are forever silenced
Because they decided their life should end
On their own terms
Suicide is a taboo word
A stigmatized topic
I'm not gay, or bi, or trans
But there are nights
When suicide looks easier
But I can't tell anyone I feel like this
Because no one likes discussing ugly things
And we'd rather live with the pretty lies
And it's much easier to fake a smile
Than lose all my friends
So what kind of message are we sending
When we stay silent on subjects like suicide
And students stay silent
Because they don't want to speak in class
And then feel like they're doing the world a favor
Making some political statement
I want to tell the story
Of the girl who got kicked out of her house
For bringing another girl home
I want to share the tragedy
Of the boy, bullet in brain
Because he was born a she
I want to be the voice
Saying "It's okay."
Not censoring my words
Maybe I'm misinterpreting
What the Day Of Silence is all about
But at least I have the power to say
You will never silence me
I've been thinking about the day of silence a lot recently, and personally I think it's *******. It's a good idea and I think that LGBT suicide and suicide in general needs to be more well known but spreading a message by being silent just seems counterintuitive and stupid to me.
In case you don't know what the day of silence is, its website described it as "The Day of Silence is a student-led national event that brings attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. Students from middle school to college take a vow of silence in an effort to encourage schools and classmates to address the problem of anti-LGBT behavior by illustrating the silencing effect of bullying and harassment on LGBT students and those perceived to be LGBT."
1.4k · Mar 2014
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
I have a certain paranoia
That everyone hates me
I know it's completely irrational
But this anxiety won't stop plaguing me

I feel like a burden
For simply existing
I'm fidgety, anxious and restless
Bracelets on my wrist always twisting and untwisting

A squeamish feeling in my stomach
When I hear laughter
The whole day is now spent
Thinking about it long after

Logically I know not everyone hates me
I know the things I tell myself aren't true
But I take solace in the fact that
No one will ever hate me as much as I do
1.3k · Mar 2014
Cognitive Dissonance
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
I'm so filled with self loathing
I have a problem believing
Anyone could love me
And then you happened
You, with your perfect grades,
And perfect family,
Perfect everything
It makes sense you'd want a perfect girlfriend
So why'd you settle for me?
Why am I next to you?
Me, the definition of average
It doesn't add up
Why is there an us?
Us, You and I
Perfect and average?
You're not a good liar
I can tell when you do
And it seems you're not lying
When you say "I love you"
I don't know what to think anymore
Because you've told me all the things
I never told myself
And I think I needed that
More than anything
1.3k · Jan 2014
First Date, First Pantoum
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
Her thoughts during her first date mostly consisted of
Is he going to kiss me?
Should I kiss him?
Oh God, please don't let me **** this up

Is he going to kiss me?
Girls can make the first move, right?
Oh God, please don't let me **** this up
If anyone could ***** it up, it'd be me

Girls can make the first move, right?
Socially awkward girls can't though
If anyone could ***** it up, it'd be me
She couldn't mess anything up, no not tonight

Socially awkward girls can't though
Wait, he's leaning in!
She couldn't mess anything up, no not tonight
She's like a deer in headlights and doesn't know what to do

Wait, he's leaning in!
If she could rewind time, this is the part she would pull him close
She's like a deer in headlights who doesn't know what to do
Why doesn't someone write an instruction guide on this ****?

If she could rewind time, this is the part she would pull him close
But no, she pulled away
Why doesn't someone write an instruction guide on this ****?
"Your breathe smells like popcorn." Is the lame excuse she chose

But no, she pulled away
Is it too late to kiss him?
"Your breath smells like popcorn." Is the lame excuse she chose
Her thoughts during her first date mostly consisted of
My first pantoum reliving the events of my first date. And yes, I actually said "Your breath smells like popcorn." Needless to say, I regret it completely. The last stanza makes no sense and I had to alter the second line just to make it sound better. It was my first pantoum though, and I deserve a cookie for trying. I like to think that the last line makes a little bit of sense because the girl(me) keeps reliving her first date and her thoughts and where it went wrong and what she would have done differently given the opportunity.
1.3k · Mar 2014
Losing My Faith
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
The more I talk to God,
The more I think he's not really listening
The more bad thoughts I have,
The more the ugly truth is leaving me wondering
The more I read the bible,
The more I realize I don't believe a word it says
The more I question,
The more secrets I can't confess
The more narrow minded my mother is,
The more she lets the light in so I can see
The more times I drink "the blood of Christ"
The more it feels like drinking the Kool Aid to me
I'm not trying to start a religious debate, so if you think you can change my mind, please don't bother trying. If you're offended by this, I didn't force you to read it and these are just my views. If you don't understand the last line, it's a reference to Jonestown.
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
They always roll their eyes and accuse us teenagers of falsely believing
We are immortal and nothing can hurt us
We know that what we are doing can **** us
  ­                              Broken
                        ­                      To
                                        ­           Care
Titled after a line in the song Teen Idle by Marina & The Diamonds
1.3k · Sep 2015
I Swear
Theia Gwen Sep 2015
I swear on my grave
That this will be the last time
I write a poem about you

I swear that this
Will be my final release
Me letting your memory go
Let some other girl spend nights thinking about you

I swear to myself
That this stream on consciousness
Placed on paper will be the last time
I waste words on you

I swear to you that this
Is the end of my feelings
That that pang of sadness
That twist of the knife will go away

I swear to Gods that I don't believe in
That I will use this as an opportunity
To learn to love myself and not
Some boy who will give it all away

I swear to everyone that
I won't look through the poetry
I wrote about you, the words you stole from me
The time I wasted, stringing words together about your smile

I can swear all I like
But here I am, crying at 10:07
Writing yet another poem about you
I swear that I'm a liar
1.3k · Jan 2014
Naps In The Cold
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
You pointed at the door
And told me you were done trying
And that I'd be out of the house pretty soon
I realize that was supposed to be a threat
But I looked out the window
And found myself hypnotized
By the snow rising and falling
Performing a dance in the wind
And I thought about walking outside
With only the clothes on my back
And as my hands turned blue
I'd realize how tired I was
And make a pillow in the snow
And curl up and go to sleep
And maybe, just maybe
I'd wake up in a better place
1.3k · Jun 2014
Theia Gwen Jun 2014
Excuses, excuses-
They run through my mind
The circumstances aren't right
I'll do it next time

The time was running low
The sand slipping away
So I told you I loved you
In the last days of May

You told me you felt the same
Though it didn't show
The entire summer you left me
Feeling weary and hallow

I waited for you
To sit down and stay
Tomorrow, tomorrow
But never today
This is about my last year experiences with my current boyfriend.
1.3k · Sep 2014
Couples Therapy With Ana
Theia Gwen Sep 2014
I sit in a flimsy plastic chair that squeaks at the slightest movement,
Ana stands because it burns more calories and says I should do the same
My arms are folded over my chest, slouching and brooding
The bracelet Ana bought me sounds like shackles when I move
The wedding band on my finger weights more than I do
"Why are you here today?" Our therapist asks
"She's been cheating on me with that **** Mia!" Ana yells
"I already told you it didn't mean anything. We were broken up then."
My explanation makes her angrier though and she snaps,
"You just can't handle commitment!"
I've heard her use this voice multiple times and a list of all the insult circumnavigates my brain
Never good enough

"You call this uncommitted?" I point to my stomach which growls on cue
Our therapist asks how long we've been together
I say over 2 years
Ana says we've been together my whole life
I tell him she's abusive
"It doesn't look like she's done that much damage" He notes
When the hours up Ana walks to the door
I tell her I just need a minute
I turn to our therapist who's already packing up
"Please help me. I need to get our of this relationship now!"
He ***** his head up as if it's the simplest answer in the world,
"Then why don't you just eat?"
Ana= Anorexia
Mia= Mia
My bulimia's gone and has turned back into my old friend Ana hence this poem.
1.2k · Jan 2014
My First Kiss
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
I had my first kiss late last night
While I laid down in bed
You pulled me closer
As my heart beat faster
I didn't have time to pull away
or to think about what was happening
or even if my breath smelled okay
But I felt your lips pressed against mine
And nothing else mattered
It didn't last long
And I yearned for more the second our lips parted
You smiled at me
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling and realized
My first kiss was but a dream
I had a dream that I kissed my boyfriend for the first time a few nights ago and it felt so real that I couldn't believe that a imagined kiss could take away my breath like that. It makes me scared for the real thing.
Theia Gwen May 2014
That girl
Is skin and bones
Takes long drags on her cigarette
Makes funny comments
About not eating
She's mysterious and vague
And she's not real
Eating disorders are not fun,
Or cute, or romantic, or tragically beautiful
There's nothing romantic
About worrying about
Your breath smelling
Of ***** while kissing
Someone you love
There's nothing romantic
About seeing an expensive dinner
Your boyfriend bought you
Swim blurrily in the toilet
There's nothing beautiful
About rotted teeth
And hair growing on your arms
If you think this is beautiful,
You can have it in exchange
For the ability to do basic things
I need in order to live
Like ******* eat  
It's not beautiful
To never feel beautiful
And never love yourself
So when we see ribs on a girl
And you see romance,
I'll see her ribs
As a cage
Keeping the pain in
My bulimia has come back bad again.
1.2k · Apr 2014
This Car
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
If only this car could travel
As fast as my racing thoughts
1.2k · Mar 2014
Perfect Girls Don't Exist
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
They say that little girls
Are made of sugar,
And spice,
And everything nice

But perfect girls
Are made of Botox,
Long smokes,
And diet coke
1.2k · Mar 2014
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
When I'm with you, I understand
When you hug me, I have no doubt
I know you mean it when you hold my hand

But when I'm alone and self loathing takes over
And I think about all my insecurities
When I analyze myself in the mirror
I don't understand why you love me
1.2k · Mar 2014
13 Words
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
1.1k · Mar 2014
The Speck And The Star
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
You are a star
Shining in the night sky
There's a burning in your chest
A supernova bursting behind your eyes
Full of life, full of love
I can't help but stop and stare
You help me find my way home
By just being there
You're the kind of beautiful
That makes me want to cry
All of the stars could make constellations
And you'd be brighter than them all combined
I am but a speck
Staring at you from below
But I feel a sense of hope
When I see you glow
You'll look down from up above
The whole earth as your view
You'll never know a tiny speck cries
Because I know I'll never be good enough for you
1.1k · Mar 2014
Love Is A Game
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Love is a game of cards
Which I play with hands that fumble
While others hide the hearts on their sleeves
I try to speak without it coming out jumbled
I've been dealt a better hand than most
But I have no idea how to play it
I don't even have an adequate poker face
And my cards fall when I attempt a trick

Love is a game of Monopoly
In which I have little to offer
In a world of Rockefeller's and Morgan's
I sit on the side like a wallflower
An infinite cycle of going round and round
And I'm perpetually trying to catch up
But everyone's so far ahead of me
And the whole affair is quite corrupt

Love is a game of chess
In which I will never win
My moves come slow and hesitant
And I am trusting and easy to convince
Playing on a board of black and white
Although the game itself is in shades of grey
Drive me into a corner and call checkmate
Capture my heart then leave and I will never be okay

Love is a game of tug of war
An equilibrium between our ebb and flow
Keep pulling until we're hanging on by but a single thread
While I debate if the glass half empty or full
I'll always be the one loving more
Even when I don't let it show
And I'll be the one who ends up hurt
When you inevitably decide to let go

Love is a night of games in a casino
In a city of temptation and sin
Seal your covenants with a kiss
Sell your soul to the devil with the handsome grin
Make a wish,
And roll the dice,
Remember every rose has its thorns
And when jealousy blossoms, you'll pay the price

Love is a game of Russian Roulette
Which we all play willingly
Just another character flaw,
A human vulnerability
It's no use trying to protect anyone
Luck can save you time and time again
But you can't escape the bullet forever,
And we're all just victims of love in the end
1.1k · Oct 2014
Theia Gwen Oct 2014
It began when I skipped lunch
When snacks became meals
And food became calories
I stopped standing and began to kneel
It started with pictures on blogs
Collar bones, thigh gap, dead eyes
Worshiping goddesses who never eat
Whose smoke curls as easy as their lies

It was about being weightless
Being skinny, being happy
To wither and fold into myself
"Somebody please look at me!"
Now my eyes are heavy
I have to hug the wall to get anywhere
Colorful bruises bloom on my legs
The room's spinning, black spots everywhere

I'm like Atlas, holding up my world
With shaky hands, bloods spattering everywhere
Step by step I keep moving, it's never enough
I'm killing myself over what size clothes I wear
Two years ago I wanted this
Asking Google a list of excuses not to eat
Now I think I'm dying, looking up heart arrhythmias
Because I can't follow a single beat
I feel like I'm ******* dying.
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