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Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
15 year olds are not supposed to think up the things she plans
The morbid thoughts that writher around in her brain
Pity she has a short attention span

"Her life is just beginning" they'd say
The future in her grasp
Little do they know she gave up a long time in the past

"What do you want to do when you grow up?"
"Have you looked at colleges yet?"
The way she sat in silence was answer enough

Teenagers are expected to figure out their entire lives
So why is it then
That 15 is too young an age to know you want to die?
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
I can see you perfectly
In a gown and cap on graduation day
With a pretty ******* your arm once you've forgotten about me
Because you got your PhD in Biology
But I think you should have got a degree in breaking hearts
And here I am studying Psychology
Trying to forget we're 2,345.51 miles apart
I can't even figure out the **** in my own mind
I thought college was supposed to open up doors?
Not make everyone I love leave me behind
I know someday I'll just be but some fuzzy memories
I should be happy for you, having it all figured out
And you honestly deserve so much better than me
The course I was on is not good enough for you
And I know your future doesn't involve me
I'd go after you
It doesn't matter how much land I'd have to trek
I'm just terrified you wouldn't do the same for me
Considering you're the one who left
It's almost 10:00 and I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm writing this since this has no relevance to me at all at the moment. I guess I'm just great at seeing the end of all good things. Was kinda inspired by Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie.
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
It's impossible to know a person
Really, truly know them
Until you have a conversation at 2AM
Right before you fall asleep
The most human you can be,
There's no wrong or right
Just words filling the silence
Let me see your insecurities,
Your dreams,
Tell me things about you
That I wouldn't know
Remind me I'm not the only person
With problems and that
No one's exempt from suffering
I want to hear it all
Your heart and mind
There's no better time
For a lobotomy
No better time
To not be alone
I'm glad we got to philosophize
Because you don't really, truly
Know someone
Until you converse at 2AM
And it was a pleasure to meet
2AM you
At a sleepover me and my friend stayed up till 2 and we just talked and it was really nice.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I still remember
Her kisses laced with chap stick and wine
I remember her emerald eyes shining
In the dark
I remember her whispering
"To be continued?"
I know she had blackened lungs,
A messed up past
And a crooked heart
But I still loved her
With all of mine
I remember that question
That haunted her
"How will we ever get out
Of this labyrinth of suffering?"
I know all this
But I will never know
The last words she spoke
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
The one thing you'll never understand
Is that it's the negative words
That you remember above all else
You throw me into counseling to try to get things fixed
But no amount of "I love you's" will make me forget
The days the words "I hate you" escaped from your lips
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
I am not in the business of
Listening to lies
Which is why I hardly hear
When you say "I love you"
Love is the most overused word
In the english language
"I love this song!"
"I love this book!"
"I love that movie!"
"I love you."
It's become an impulse,
A reflex
Spoken in a monotone voice
Because I'm expected to
And every time we exchange those words
It feels like a transaction to me
When the words slip from your mouth
They feel clumsy and awkward
With no passion and not a hint of truth
Everyone tells me you don't mean those things
That you yell at me
That you say things without thinking
But just because you speak without a filter
Doesn't mean it's not true
If anger and abuse is the only kind of love
You have to offer
Then I don't ******* want it
You can keep your double standards
And your lies
I thought a mother
Was supposed to have
An agape kind of love
Not make their daughters
Feel like burdens
For even being alive
You've classically conditioned me
To not believe a word anyone says
I've had hope far too many times
And whenever you tell me you love me
And I fail to reply
You'll start yelling yet again
But you don't understand,
That unlike you,
I am not in the business of
Telling people lies
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
There were once two sisters, two girls
With perfect bodies and beautiful curls 
Ana & Mia, anyone who was anyone knew their names
I wanted people to start noticing me and stop thinking I was plain 
I was told they would help me that was a guarantee
I was told they could work wonders on me
My friends told me they were deadly, told me to stay away
But they promised me beauty at such a small fee to pay
After a while I knew I wouldn't make it without them guiding my way 
I ignored everyone telling me I was just easy prey 
Ana & Mia 
The deadliest pair alive
Commited more crimes than Bonnie & Clyde 
More decietful than the Mendez brothers
A casualty rate like no other
They prey on girls with low self esteem 
Just one chat with them and you'll fall apart at the seams 
This is the story of how I fell into their trap 
I don't think I'll ever go back 
This is how the two of them became my masters 
I was just a plaything for the Nervosa sisters
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
I remember that day in 7th grade
Back when you were still calling yourself Cassie
You were standing reserved and afraid
In gym class clad in shorts and words carved in your skin
That was the day I began to notice you

3 years later and we're best friends
Not much has changed except that you go by Nate now,
I still mess up pronouns sometimes,
Your body tells the tale of a war going on for years,
In that time
We've become a little bit wiser,
Hopefully a tad bit happier,
And your cuts go a little bit deeper
I write a lot of poetry about Nick and I decided it was time I finally wrote on about my best friend, Nate. He's been through a lot but I love him so much.
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
I have a certain paranoia
That everyone hates me
I know it's completely irrational
But this anxiety won't stop plaguing me

I feel like a burden
For simply existing
I'm fidgety, anxious and restless
Bracelets on my wrist always twisting and untwisting

A squeamish feeling in my stomach
When I hear laughter
The whole day is now spent
Thinking about it long after

Logically I know not everyone hates me
I know the things I tell myself aren't true
But I take solace in the fact that
No one will ever hate me as much as I do
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
Roses are sprouting
The violets in bloom
The rain is falling hard
Just like I am for you
I don't know why I wrote this. It's not even April. It's not even March. This just kinda popped into my mind.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
We're all stuck
In this panopticon
They promise us
Work will make us free
But they've lied about everything
So far
In the ***** ghettoes
Death was a fickle friend
My mom held me tight
And told me that everything
Would be just fine
But her last intake of breath
Was a poison
That overtook her lungs
And everything
Is not fine
And I'm starting to wonder
What freedom are they promising
It's ironic that our work should not
Make us free from these camps
But make us free from life
My class is reading Night by Ellie Wiesel in English and had a discussion about irony and the Auschwitz's sign and I got this idea.
Theia Gwen Oct 2014
It began when I skipped lunch
When snacks became meals
And food became calories
I stopped standing and began to kneel
It started with pictures on blogs
Collar bones, thigh gap, dead eyes
Worshiping goddesses who never eat
Whose smoke curls as easy as their lies

It was about being weightless
Being skinny, being happy
To wither and fold into myself
"Somebody please look at me!"
Now my eyes are heavy
I have to hug the wall to get anywhere
Colorful bruises bloom on my legs
The room's spinning, black spots everywhere

I'm like Atlas, holding up my world
With shaky hands, bloods spattering everywhere
Step by step I keep moving, it's never enough
I'm killing myself over what size clothes I wear
Two years ago I wanted this
Asking Google a list of excuses not to eat
Now I think I'm dying, looking up heart arrhythmias
Because I can't follow a single beat
I feel like I'm ******* dying.
Theia Gwen May 2014
There's bad blood
In my veins
And it'll always
Be that way
I can deny my heritage,
And change my surname
But there are some things
That I can't change
Your love was a contract
Riddled with conditions and double standards
You pointed at the fine print
All of these years
You wanted all I had
You stole my youth
All I have is my heartbeat,
You can't have that too
I'm letting go
Because the bad blood is on your hands
And no matter what I do
You'll never understand
I can still hear your voice
Bouncing off the walls
Accusations of all of
My mistakes and flaws
And you're placing stones down
Paving the way to hell
Stuck in your illusion
Of heaven's bells
So I'll burn this bridge
Stand and watch the flames
And I know I'm in control
And things will change
Wrote this in math class because what else is math for? Based off of These Streets by Bastille.
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Sometime I think this cycle never ends
I binge and purge,
Then binge again
Cookies, ice cream, and chocolate cake
All in one go
Until I have an empty plate
Hugging the toilet,
Tasting bile,
I tells my friends it's just a diet
It's dangerous,
It could ****,
It's not glamourous
I knows it's wrong
But it feels so right
I tells myself I'm being strong
This cycle will never end
Emptying my plate,
then my stomach
It's far too late
I keep binging, and purging
Then binging again
It's a snow day, which means I'm home alone, which means I'm binging and purging. Fun. I literally just ate a whole gallon of ice cream.
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
They say that love is blind
But unfortunately hate can make you blind
To a love that's right in front of you
Darling, untie the blindfold,
Open the curtains,
You're drowning so deep in your self loathing
You can't see how many people are jumping in after
Trying to save you from yourself
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
There will come a day
When you think of me
And think about what was us
And you'll think,
"I sure dodged a bullet"
The day you think that,
Is the day I put one
Through my brain
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
I'm so scared of the day when the future that I'm so terrified of
Is no longer the future
There is no scientific name for the fear of the future, but there is a fear of time, which is the title. I'm pretty **** afraid of the future and time in general though.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I once knew a boy
Who breathed in words like air
We crafted a book together
And selected each sentence with great care

That boy was the best part of every genre
He flowed like sweet poetry,
Kept my thoughts racing like a thriller,
And never gave everything away like all good mysteries  

But that boy left cold turkey
Scrawled me a messy ending
He would never bother to rewrite
I guess that he was only pretending

I never thought you
Would pull a Mockingjay on me
Unsatisfied and bitter
Is how I will forever be

Because our love is a cliffhanger
And you pushed me over the edge
The days waiting for you like
The wind carrying ripped pages

It was anticlimactic
No closure in sight
You let go like it was nothing
While I hold on with all my might

And so you will continue
To breathe in hearts
The way you do air
To you, it's become an art

I will carry on
Gripping a jutting branch called hope
I'll pray you give me a sequel
To the romance we wrote
I had to insult Mockingjay, i'm sorry. I just had to.
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
I'm so filled with self loathing
I have a problem believing
Anyone could love me
And then you happened
You, with your perfect grades,
And perfect family,
Perfect everything
It makes sense you'd want a perfect girlfriend
So why'd you settle for me?
Why am I next to you?
Me, the definition of average
It doesn't add up
Why is there an us?
Us, You and I
Perfect and average?
You're not a good liar
I can tell when you do
And it seems you're not lying
When you say "I love you"
I don't know what to think anymore
Because you've told me all the things
I never told myself
And I think I needed that
More than anything
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Late night Skype calls,
Already organized around our busy schedules
Because we both can't let our grades fall

And I think of the days when you were just one call away
No time difference between us
And I could see you any day

Tired eyes and caffeine
You promised me the future
So why is it that I only see you over a LCD?

I've got a million books piled besides me
I know I need an education
But do I really want a future without you next to me?

The rhythm of your footsteps in sync with mine
It's the sweetest sound I know
And I conjure up an image of our hands intertwined

It's an unspoken truth we both don't want to admit
Our calls are getting shorter
I can't believe you're the same Nick

Tears fall till none remain
I know if you could, you'd wipe them all away
And I hope when you cry, you know I would do the same
This has no relevance to my life currently, I've just been thinking a lot about long distance relationships and college. This one's really bad so I may delete it.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
Heart thumping
Face on the desk
We're talking about suicide
And I know what comes next

She tells us not to look
We have to close our eyes
She says it's an anonymous survey
And I wonder if I should lie

Raising our hands is a yes
And everything inside me
Screams no while I
Try to calm my bouncing knee

I raise a tentative hand
When she asks if we've considered suicide
That tentative hand raise is the largest step I've taken
And part of me feels peace deep down inside
In Health class today we were talking about suicide and she told us to close our eyes and put our heads on the desk and she asked us a few questions about suicide and I've never told anyone blatantly that I've been suicidal so this is a small step I suppose.
Theia Gwen Sep 2014
I sit in a flimsy plastic chair that squeaks at the slightest movement,
Ana stands because it burns more calories and says I should do the same
My arms are folded over my chest, slouching and brooding
The bracelet Ana bought me sounds like shackles when I move
The wedding band on my finger weights more than I do
"Why are you here today?" Our therapist asks
"She's been cheating on me with that **** Mia!" Ana yells
"I already told you it didn't mean anything. We were broken up then."
My explanation makes her angrier though and she snaps,
"You just can't handle commitment!"
I've heard her use this voice multiple times and a list of all the insult circumnavigates my brain
Never good enough

"You call this uncommitted?" I point to my stomach which growls on cue
Our therapist asks how long we've been together
I say over 2 years
Ana says we've been together my whole life
I tell him she's abusive
"It doesn't look like she's done that much damage" He notes
When the hours up Ana walks to the door
I tell her I just need a minute
I turn to our therapist who's already packing up
"Please help me. I need to get our of this relationship now!"
He ***** his head up as if it's the simplest answer in the world,
"Then why don't you just eat?"
Ana= Anorexia
Mia= Mia
My bulimia's gone and has turned back into my old friend Ana hence this poem.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I refuse to stay silent
I've participated in the day of silence twice now
The first time in 8th grade
We got cards that explained why we weren't speaking
I stayed silent the whole day
And felt quite special about it too
Lunch was a long game of charades
And I thought to myself
"I can't wait for the next day of silence."
And I hardly thought about why I was being silent
To begin with

9th grade I did it again
I brought a whole pack of sticky notes with me
And by the end of the day,
I felt the need to plant a tree
To pay the world back for all the paper wasted
I broke my silence by lunch time
Because my friend needed to tell me
How much she wanted to ask this girl out
And I wanted to ask this boy out
And I went home that night
Hardly thinking about why
I was (mostly) silent that day

April 11th would be my third year
Participating in the Day Of Silence
If I was participating
Which I won't be
Not become I'm homophobic or anything
Oh, no
But I began to think about being silent
And what it accomplished
What does it accomplish?
I realize it's supposed to be symbolic
Of LGBT youth whose voices are forever silenced
Because they decided their life should end
On their own terms
Suicide is a taboo word
A stigmatized topic
I'm not gay, or bi, or trans
But there are nights
When suicide looks easier
But I can't tell anyone I feel like this
Because no one likes discussing ugly things
And we'd rather live with the pretty lies
And it's much easier to fake a smile
Than lose all my friends
So what kind of message are we sending
When we stay silent on subjects like suicide
And students stay silent
Because they don't want to speak in class
And then feel like they're doing the world a favor
Making some political statement
I want to tell the story
Of the girl who got kicked out of her house
For bringing another girl home
I want to share the tragedy
Of the boy, bullet in brain
Because he was born a she
I want to be the voice
Saying "It's okay."
Not censoring my words
Maybe I'm misinterpreting
What the Day Of Silence is all about
But at least I have the power to say
You will never silence me
I've been thinking about the day of silence a lot recently, and personally I think it's *******. It's a good idea and I think that LGBT suicide and suicide in general needs to be more well known but spreading a message by being silent just seems counterintuitive and stupid to me.
In case you don't know what the day of silence is, its website described it as "The Day of Silence is a student-led national event that brings attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. Students from middle school to college take a vow of silence in an effort to encourage schools and classmates to address the problem of anti-LGBT behavior by illustrating the silencing effect of bullying and harassment on LGBT students and those perceived to be LGBT."
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
Her mother pushed religious ******* down her throat
But she refused to listen
Her mother pulled her hair and took away her hope
But she had accepted long ago her mothers love had conditions
Her mother always let her get caught in the crossfire of her anger
But she just locked herself in her room to forget
Her mother constantly called her a failure
But she didn't need her mother to remind her of her regrets
Her mother was fed up with her passive aggressive behavior
But she knew she deserved better than this neglect
Her mother always yelled at her for never talking
And she let hollow silence be her reply
It wasn't until her mother said "You should **** yourself."
That she happily complied
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Monsters have to receive an invitation
Before coming inside
That's what I read in stories
But I never let you in my mind
You didn't come all at once
You came like a thief in the night
But you waited patiently
To start shutting off the lights
You manifested yourself
In comments my mother made
In that sinking feeling I felt
That cut me like a blade
Now that I think of it
You were always there
Reminding me of nights I cried
You broke the rules
I never gave you an offering
But you didn't care
And now I'm housing all this suffering
I can't think straight
And all my walls are crumbling
It's permeable
And the rain keeps pouring
This sorrow is going to drown me
And I think I might just let it
In a place I can only hear my heart beating
Where I can't take any more hits
It's a truth I can no longer deny
As I'm swimming in this sea
I do not have depression
Depression has me
I've been obsessed with the song I'll Be Alright by Passion Pit recently and that is one thing that inspired this.
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
She reads
                                          And she sleeps
                                                      Way too much
                                                            ­           It's her coping defence
                                                                ­               When nothing else will suffice
                                                         ­               She needs to get away
                                                       Without actually leaving
                                             Because she's too scared
                                   And too tired
                                            To leave her bed
                                                      So she cracks open a book
                                                            ­     To escape somewhere far away
                                                            ­             And she'll sob for the characters
                                                      ­                       Whose brokenness resembles hers
                                                            ­                                   And then she'll sleep
                                                           ­                                   And have sweet dreams
                                                          ­              Of realities that are not her own
                                                       Because pretending is so much easier
                                                 Than facing reality
                             So she'll sleep and dream
          And secretly wish she won't wake up
So she can finally escape
Theia Gwen May 2014
I am stuck in a long hallway
Of mirrors
Each one shows something new
And unfamiliar
I can't even tell
Which one is me
Because I have expectations
But I can't see reality
I wish I could just perform
A vanishing act
Because I can't stand
The image that reflects
I am done with seeing
Elongated arms and chubby legs
And that twisted symphony
Repeating in my head
The number on the scale
Can never get too small    
Cause the mirror looks the same
When I leave the bathroom stall
Always something different
I just wish there was consistency
Because these carnival mirrors
Have got me hating all of me
On body dysmorphic disorder and bulimia. I pretty much feel this way every time I look into a mirror.
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
Her thoughts during her first date mostly consisted of
Is he going to kiss me?
Should I kiss him?
Oh God, please don't let me **** this up

Is he going to kiss me?
Girls can make the first move, right?
Oh God, please don't let me **** this up
If anyone could ***** it up, it'd be me

Girls can make the first move, right?
Socially awkward girls can't though
If anyone could ***** it up, it'd be me
She couldn't mess anything up, no not tonight

Socially awkward girls can't though
Wait, he's leaning in!
She couldn't mess anything up, no not tonight
She's like a deer in headlights and doesn't know what to do

Wait, he's leaning in!
If she could rewind time, this is the part she would pull him close
She's like a deer in headlights who doesn't know what to do
Why doesn't someone write an instruction guide on this ****?

If she could rewind time, this is the part she would pull him close
But no, she pulled away
Why doesn't someone write an instruction guide on this ****?
"Your breathe smells like popcorn." Is the lame excuse she chose

But no, she pulled away
Is it too late to kiss him?
"Your breath smells like popcorn." Is the lame excuse she chose
Her thoughts during her first date mostly consisted of
My first pantoum reliving the events of my first date. And yes, I actually said "Your breath smells like popcorn." Needless to say, I regret it completely. The last stanza makes no sense and I had to alter the second line just to make it sound better. It was my first pantoum though, and I deserve a cookie for trying. I like to think that the last line makes a little bit of sense because the girl(me) keeps reliving her first date and her thoughts and where it went wrong and what she would have done differently given the opportunity.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
First love is stumbling upon an unfamiliar path
A gust of wind in your sails,
You try to ***** the danger from above
But misty clouds serve as a veil
That's the thing about first love
You can't turn around now that you've departed
You just have to ride it through
These seas left uncharted
Theia Gwen May 2014
Nobody can age without
Making mistakes
So I know that we're both
Destined to change
The soles of our shoes
Have grown side by side
But someday you'll go left
And I'll turn right
Memories are fallible
But they can't be replaced
And I'll use this faulty camera
To hold onto pictures of your youthful face
And no matter how much happens
No matter if we say goodbye
I will always remember you
You'll always be nearby
Because you're like Midas
With you, I felt like gold, loved and unpriced
This gold mine heart will linger
With your touch my whole life
I feel like my ability to accurately title my poems has declined greatly. If you have any suggested titles for any of my poems, please tell me. :) This poems for my Nicholas, of course.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I am the spawn
Of a defective *****
And a reluctant egg
If there is a God
I'm sure he took
The utmost care
With his needle and thread
Because everyone will reap what they sow
And all I am is flaws
Stitched together
With good intentions
Because all my life
I've only ever had
Good intentions
And my heart is so full
Of love for other people
That there is none left for me
Let's talk Biology
There are over 37 trillion cells in a human body
That's ******* amazing
And every single cell is working with
A common purpose:
To keep you alive
So knowing that
Why do I so often find myself
Crying until I fall asleep
With thoughts that It would be better
If I didn't wake?
I also know the brain itself
Cannot feel pain
So maybe
My brain doesn't know
What it's doing to itself
As wicked thoughts
Dance from every synapse
Maybe it just has
Good intentions
Maybe my words could change someone
Maybe the letters I stitch so carefully
Could have some ounce of an impact on someone
And that's all I've ever wanted
But my thoughts will remain like hermits
Locked in a cage with no key
While I continue on with my good intentions
Because the road to hell
Has always been paved
By those with
Good intentions
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
Behind these hazel eyes
There is a monster deep within
It bubbles deep inside
And always gets under my skin
It's irrational and stupid
And yet it's everywhere
Yes, I get it, she's perfect
But could she be perfect over there?
It's just my insecurity
I tell myself all the time
But I still find myself searching you
For evidence of a nonexistent crime
Dreams in which you love her
Easily cloud through my mind
When you and her walk ahead
And I'm left behind
It's not that I don't trust you
No matter what I heard
I'll always completely trust you
I just don't trust you with her
These green eyes are blocking
Out my sight
They won't go away
Try as I might
Green eyes
I only want you and me
Behind these loving hazel eyes
Lies a beast named jealousy
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
She was surrounded by people with different identities
People celebrating being somebody else, if only for one night
Or possibly they were more themselves than ever
Perhaps they're reflecting the monsters they see in themselves at midnight

It was supposed to be a happy night and a fun party
With laughs, good food and jokes
So why were so many people sad?
Oh right, all of our love lives ******

Owen had a crush on Kitty,
Ellie had fallen for Jake,
Nate needed closure with Erica who never even came
And I was in love with the boy allergic to straight answers

With him things can never be in black and white
When I ask him a question yes, no and maybe are all his answers
That boy was a huge mystery
That I intended to master

He wore a tux, a top hat and a mustache drawn in sharpie
And *******, did he look good
I was dressed like Sherlock Holmes
But he was still an enigma I couldn't understand

I must admit, I made a ****** detective
And I could never be a Sherlock Holmes
I wasn't smart enough to get down to the science of how I felt
And as much as I wish I could, I was never able to read his emotions

But I was tired of pining over someone who would never love me back
I needed to tell him we couldn't be friends anymore, because I was too fond of him
Apparently I was more ignorant than I thought
Because according to everyone I was the only one who couldn't see you loved me a lot
So I found you and asked you if that was really true
You smiled at me and said
"No ****, Sherlock."
Another poem written about Nicholas. I've been writing about him a lot lately and thinking about our relationship and I thought about the night we decided to go out which was at a Halloween party and this poem is pretty much true except he never actually said "No ****, Sherlock." While writing this that just popped in my head and I thought that would be quite cool. This poem kind of reminds me of some of my favorite lyrics from Death Cab For Cutie "
"Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago"
I don't know, maybe I just want an excuse to promote my favorite band but it feels perfect.
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
My whole life is a battle between heart and mind
And you always send them both
Barrelling in overdrive

Despite the hits my heart has taken
The childlike state hasn't died
The one telling me no one will hurt me
And that everyone can be kind
But i've built a cage around my heart
Barbed wire trying to stamp out feelings of love from the start

And my mind is no more reliable
The things it whispers to me always keeping me in the dark
Fear and sadness keep me rooted to the spot
Always replaying peoples cruel remarks
No end to the horrid thoughts tattooed in my brain

Somehow you've gotten through the barriers my heart has put up
And for some reason you deal with all the demons my mind has ingrained  
My heart wants to believe you when you say that four letter word
How you could love someone who hates herself is an idea my brain can't comprehend
I think it's time I let my heart free once more
And silence my brain screaming "You'll only get hurt!"
Despite the fact that it's only hurting myself
It's time for my mind to be reworked
And now that my heart controls my mouth I can finally say
"I love you too"
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Throw me an ember
My smoking friend
And I'll take it with me
When my life ends
I'll join Jack
Forever looking for a place
Searching for where I belong,
For a familiar face
I've been longing for sleep
My entire life
But even in death
Peace will never arrive
I don't belong in heaven or hell
And everywhere I see signs
Because I don't want to be alone
But everything's occupied
One foot in front of the other
Is how I make it by
An outsider forever
With only an ember and a lullaby
Inspired by I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie.
Theia Gwen Feb 2014
How dare you call yourself pro life
And then make me want to **** myself

How dare you say that you're a Christian
And then act with hatred and intolerance

How dare you tell your friends about your new diet plan
While I'm silently throwing up dinner upstairs

How dare you ignore and insult me
And then get angry at the fact that I'm withdrawn

How dare you tell me you love me
While my tears flow down my bruising cheek

How dare you destroy me on the inside
And wonder why I'm showing it on the outside

How dare you boast about my high grades
When you used to call me stupid when I was slow to learn

And how ******* dare you call yourself my mother
When you've become my worst enemy
To my dear lovely mother, who else?
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
The parties over
Time to go home
I guess I'm walking
The walk of shame all alone
Because I've been drunk for so long now
Intoxicated off of your love
And now I can see what a mess we made
You've had enough
You're just another addiction
Just another form of self harm
Because I'm just a grenade
And I'm the reason you're in this storm
And I'll live my life in guilt
Knowing that I hurt you
My pills will keep me company
Go find someone better, someone new
We had some good times
But we can't beat the truth
I'll just get over this hangover
Thinking of ways to replace you
I was on the bus yesterday listening to I'll Be Alright by Passion Pit and reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green and I got the idea for this one.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I must be a *******
For falling in love with you
And you must also be a *******
For loving me too

Of all the types of self harm
You were the sweetest
And when I wanted to shut everyone out
You were my one weakness

And you must be a *******
For trying to pick up broken glass
But I am not a sadist and I won't let you
Hurt yourself whenever I crash
Theia Gwen Nov 2015
Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
My happiness is like the sun
Making it throughout the day
It's an internal clock, a circadian rhythm
The sun rises, and I have to act like it's okay
As the day goes on, it becomes easier
And at my peak, I'll illuminate the sky
Celestial and vibrant, I'll burn bright
But It's not good enough no matter what I try
And then I'll start sinking
As day turns to night
And coldness will sink into every crevice and hole
Watch the horizon as the world slips into twilight
Cause I'm the most beautiful when I leave
And no one will see any of my wounds
Just as no one can see
The dark side of the moon
And dear Luna will steal my glow
And keep the night owls company
Because my life is dark
And I don't want anyone to see
But then even the moon will fall
And my time will come again
I'll rise and shine, act perfectly fine
And like the sun, this pattern will never end
The title is a reference to Numb by Marina and The Diamond because it fit and I always turn to Marina when I'm lost.
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
I love you
I don't care if you can't say it back
That’s fine, I don’t expect you too
I just need you to know how important you are to me
You make me want to be a better me for you
But also for myself
Because for the first time in a long time
My life doesn't feel like hell
You've given me hope
And because of you, I’m fighting my demons
Who used to drown me but now I can just float
I don’t care if it’s stupid
I don’t care if this sounds cliché
Because I’m sick of holding in things I want to say
I don’t want to think of the future and what happens if this doesn't last
I just want to live right here and now
Because when I’m with you, I can let go of the past
I love the way you make me smile
And hug me from behind
How you make me feel like a child
I love the little things you do that show me you care
How you accept me, ***** ups and all
Finding someone like you is so rare
I love that you're my best friend
So **** anyone telling me I'm too young to feel this way
I don't care if we're just kids and this is meant to end
I need to be honest with you
Because I don't want this to pass me by
So yeah, I love you
Theia Gwen Sep 2015
I swear on my grave
That this will be the last time
I write a poem about you

I swear that this
Will be my final release
Me letting your memory go
Let some other girl spend nights thinking about you

I swear to myself
That this stream on consciousness
Placed on paper will be the last time
I waste words on you

I swear to you that this
Is the end of my feelings
That that pang of sadness
That twist of the knife will go away

I swear to Gods that I don't believe in
That I will use this as an opportunity
To learn to love myself and not
Some boy who will give it all away

I swear to everyone that
I won't look through the poetry
I wrote about you, the words you stole from me
The time I wasted, stringing words together about your smile

I can swear all I like
But here I am, crying at 10:07
Writing yet another poem about you
I swear that I'm a liar
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
You're like a balloon
And if I let my guard down
You'll float away and I'll be alone
Honestly, the only thing worse
Than not having you
Is having you but feeling like I'm yours
But you're not mine
My jealousy will be our undoing
It's only a matter of time
Because love hurts
It's just a game of who gets it first
And we're playing Russian Roulette with our hearts
I'm so ******* paranoid that you're with girls that aren't me
And I know I have to leave you
Before you can leave me
Theia Gwen Jan 2014
Just one skipped meal
Just one time
You tell yourself it's no big deal
Just one meal is all it takes
You just made a fatal mistake

You run to the bathroom and lock the door
Put your hair in a bun and kneel on the floor
Turn on the faucet to drown out the sound
Hush your crying, there are people around!
Act like everything is fine and pretend
You swear you'll never do that again

You convince yourself you can stop whenever
You're too fat to have an eating disorder
But it's become a deadly addiction
Only concerned with reaching perfection
You know that someday you'll pay the price
Each time is just another game of Russian roulette with your life
You tell yourself you won't do it anymore
But you've said this millions of times before

That's because it's not just a skipped mean
It'll never be just one time
It's always just another broken promise
Until you die
This poem is loosely based off of a poem I see sometimes on Tumblr. I don't know who it's by because I've seen it on multiple websites with different authors but here's one link to it I loved this poem a lot and I decided to make my own version about an eating disorder
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
Plastic plants,
Artificial light,
Photoshopped models,
And on this night
Sitting expectantly and nervous
This scene looks nothing like the movies
Our love is real but so is our fear
Hoping everything goes smoothly
Sitting as close as possible,
An autotuned song playing through our ordeal
Surrounded by fake things
Your lips on mine is the only thing real
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
Saying "I love you"
To hear it back from your lips
A reassurance
My first Haiku.
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
I told you over the phone
That you were as beautiful
As the stars that dotted the sky
But you lived in a big, bright city
And could only see a few dozen
While I could see thousands
You couldn't know the half of it
So I told you over the phone
That you were as beautiful
As the stars in your new lover's eyes
And you finally understood
"Normally, about 2,500 individual stars are visible to the human eye without using any special equipment. But because of light pollution, you actually see just 200 to 300 from today’s suburbs, and fewer than a dozen from a typical city." How sad is that?
Theia Gwen Apr 2014
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
A family member would ask
I suppressed a smile thinking of you
"No" I'd reply, my face a mask

"Mommy, why are they holding hands?"
A little girl would want to know
I'd pull my hand away from yours
And manage a timid "Hello"

"You're obviously in love"
A friend of mine took note of my bliss
I finally admit it but changed pronouns
Turning every "her" into a "him"

"I'm bisexual and dating a girl"
I'd tell the mirror 1,000 times
Getting the courage to tell my parents
Then turning around and changing my mind

"Are you ashamed of us?"
She'd ask tears welling in her eyes
"No" I'd hug her close because it was true
I was only ashamed of myself and my disguise
Another poem about that LGBT love story I'm writing. Has nothing to do with me or my life. :)
Theia Gwen Mar 2014
The more I talk to God,
The more I think he's not really listening
The more bad thoughts I have,
The more the ugly truth is leaving me wondering
The more I read the bible,
The more I realize I don't believe a word it says
The more I question,
The more secrets I can't confess
The more narrow minded my mother is,
The more she lets the light in so I can see
The more times I drink "the blood of Christ"
The more it feels like drinking the Kool Aid to me
I'm not trying to start a religious debate, so if you think you can change my mind, please don't bother trying. If you're offended by this, I didn't force you to read it and these are just my views. If you don't understand the last line, it's a reference to Jonestown.
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