I sit in a flimsy plastic chair that squeaks at the slightest movement,
Ana stands because it burns more calories and says I should do the same
My arms are folded over my chest, slouching and brooding
The bracelet Ana bought me sounds like shackles when I move
The wedding band on my finger weights more than I do
"Why are you here today?" Our therapist asks
"She's been cheating on me with that **** Mia!" Ana yells
"I already told you it didn't mean anything. We were broken up then."
My explanation makes her angrier though and she snaps,
"You just can't handle commitment!"
I've heard her use this voice multiple times and a list of all the insult circumnavigates my brain
Stupid
Ugly
Worthless
Never good enough
Unlovable
Pathetic
Fat
Fat
FAT
"You call this uncommitted?" I point to my stomach which growls on cue
Our therapist asks how long we've been together
I say over 2 years
Ana says we've been together my whole life
I tell him she's abusive
"It doesn't look like she's done that much damage" He notes
When the hours up Ana walks to the door
I tell her I just need a minute
I turn to our therapist who's already packing up
"Please help me. I need to get our of this relationship now!"
He ***** his head up as if it's the simplest answer in the world,
"Then why don't you just eat?"

Secrets spill from your lips
In hiccuped slurry speech
That night you learned the most important lessons
Teachers never teach

You're on the fence
But you always tumble in an empty bottle
Trapped on all four sides
Looking up at the light, legs weak and wobbly

And those lines you stood by
Those boundaries began to blur
All that you believed in
Every bridge you charred and burned

Did you find the answers
Laced within those pills?
This self medication will make you numb
To what you must rebuild

Excuses, excuses-
They run through my mind
The circumstances aren't right
I'll do it next time

The time was running low
The sand slipping away
So I told you I loved you
In the last days of May

You told me you felt the same
Though it didn't show
The entire summer you left me
Feeling weary and hallow

I waited for you
To sit down and stay
Tomorrow, tomorrow
But never today

That boy is warm freshly printed papers
Stuffed in his overflowing binder
That boy is the leaves being painted
In early November

That boy is Pokémon cards skewed all over the floor
Who never signed up for this 'growing up' thing
That boy is a huge stuffed frog on Valentine's
Lessening the winter's violent sting

That boy is obscure facts of the arcane
A curiosity never satisfied  
That boy has an ever expanding brain
And long hands that reek of formaldehyde

That boy is beautiful freckles
"Splotches of melanin" as he puts it
That boy is compliments I don't deserve
And a love I just can't quit

That boy is a long way down
A relationship that's nowhere close to flawless
That boy is worth the fall because that boy
Is my dear Nicholas

Your "I love you's" are like a blanket
They keep me safe and warm
No matter how many words I stitch
I know it will someday be old and worn

Preparing for hibernation
When it's only just now spring
I cherish the birds each day
Every time they open up and sing

Because I can foresee the leaves falling
I know our love is finite
Because even while looking forward
I'm stuck in the hindsight

So as the first snow falls
I'll enjoy our remaining time
And prepare myself for the day your "I love you's"
Will no longer be mine

All or nothing
I've reached this crossroad
Before this, I've been hiding in fiction
In every word I've read and wrote

I'm stepping up to the plate
Because I can't stop the world
How much do I want to live?
How hard am I willing to battle?

Can I count on you
To lead my through this Wonderland?
If I take the easy route
Would you still hold my hand?

The road I walk on now
Is shrouded with hate and shame
And I'll have to fight impulses
As I'm inclined to stay the same

Because the future's in my palms
And I'll meet a dead end
If I keep up this way
And don't stop this trend

Standing at this pivot point
Preparing for what comes next
Since the hardest part of getting better
Is taking the first step

There's bad blood
In my veins
And it'll always
Be that way
I can deny my heritage,
And change my surname
But there are some things
That I can't change
Your love was a contract
Riddled with conditions and double standards
You pointed at the fine print
All of these years
You wanted all I had
You stole my youth
All I have is my heartbeat,
You can't have that too
I'm letting go
Because the bad blood is on your hands
And no matter what I do
You'll never understand
I can still hear your voice
Bouncing off the walls
Accusations of all of
My mistakes and flaws
And you're placing stones down
Paving the way to hell
Stuck in your illusion
Of heaven's bells
So I'll burn this bridge
Stand and watch the flames
And I know I'm in control
And things will change