slumped in a slump at the keyboard
slumped at the kitchen table drinking coffee that doesn't wake me up, but rattles my brain a little and makes my heart beat dizzy and yes, this is what being an adult is
even though i woke up at noon and have nothing to do
slumped scoliosis at 28 but still feeling 18 and still living at home because i can't see myself ever fending for myself or driving or functioning or being alive, but at least i eat healthy
slumped in a chair at a new psychiatrist to talk about the same things i've said too many times before that it doesn't even feel like it happened to me but to someone in a ****** sitcom
slumped waiting for a new diagnosis that won't be covered by Medicare since i'm an adult
slumped over a register taking coffee orders under too-bright lights wearing a monkey-suit of a bow-tie and vest
slumped in a slump at a piece of paper feeling like i'm just whining now so i'm going to stop and finish my coffee.

i don't want to be part of this world
i would rather just observe it
how clouds move through the sky like hallucinations
how they appear then disappear at whim,
turning into milky nothing
i want to be nothing, too

i didn't want to die last night
for the first time in fifteen years
we watched Six Feet Under
and I tried not to look at you
because if i did you would've seen me
in all my emotional sap
i'm a ******* bleeding heart
i would've cried in your lap
but you wouldn't even mind
and that's the problem
you would've seen the gunk inside
and have hugged it anyway
i'm so ******* afraid
everything is going to end
and right now i don't want to die

Stew on it for a while, she said
really rally in it
Feel it in your gut and ride it
For all you know this is all you'll ever feel
That serotonin uptake can really zombify
Really ******* fry
Nerve endings in head and gut
twist me up the spine
Possessed by duress
I wear it best
In every corner of my vessel,
a spectre resides
And rides and rides
and drives you away
She says it now, lets out a wild howl
won't let me dispel
O please let me now
but it takes the form of salt water
and pools in seafoam orbs
that soak it back in
returning to the swell

I don't write anything
Unless I have to
And even then I hold myself to ridiculous standards
Every word must be an opus
Every line must touch some place deep
My mind falters at every step
******* journal entries are written for an invisible eye
Nothing is enough for human consumption
Not this
Not anything after
It all melts in my hand
And seeps back into my body
Words never said
Dissociation is veiled upon
A vacant face and body
Waiting to be revived

I confess
that I never confess
I don't digress

this mistress is blessed
with the thing in her breast
that nestle with the rest
of the festering pests

I detest
ever selling off
or culling off
a shred of distress
why **** with the mess
when you can simply guess

You see the link of all things
The connection
Between us and them
And everything else
How the flowers of life are in every shape and space
And how the ceaseless spirals
Make us end up in the same place
The stones speak to you
They move through you
With tiny waves and quiet murmurs
Why can't I hear them
When they share their carbon force with you
You see sound move sand
With each frequency shifting every grain to it's will,
while I've laid dormant in my shell
and watched my cells die and feel my bones bend
But you've died a thousand tiny deaths
With each one blurring the veil
And opening that furrowed brow
That sees the link in all things