i say i hate myself
but honestly
there’s no one i’d rather be

rosy red cut outs

is this the bearer of love?

it might be a vital *****

but even crucial comrades are broken

the vulnerable wear it on their sleeve

soft to feel

tender segments of you

beat through this plastered paper essence

its profession to adore

you may hold it, if you're careful

heavier than a balloon
lighter than a brick
my mind to amuse
my heart beats quick

where are the questions
for the answers i ask
what is the obsession
with the profile i mask

my heart beats quick
lighter than a drum
and with every click
my fingers grow numb

or is it my mind
lighter than a drum
harder to find
than to overcome

are your arms
strong enough
for all the things
you want to hold?
souls are heavier
than they seem
endure
don't grow weak
you must keep
your grip
don't let such important cargo
slip

i will cling to what is real
authentic moments will not be replaced
my greatest disappointments
are also my greatest qualities
so i will hold on
and maybe one day someone will hold on too

i am imprisoned
my head pushed underwater
unconvincing decisions
swim in the head of this daughter

numb haze
image of unreal
my heart in a blaze
not very ideal

disconnected from fate
unsure of what is to come
the hologram is about to fade
wake up before you become numb

heavier than ever before
the ***** that is within me
does this indicate something that adores?
only time will see

how heavy can I be?
written words are the solution
or so they seem
maybe they add to the confusion

where are the brighter days?
because it is getting dark so early
maybe this is only a phase
tomorrow i'll be better, surely

shaky hands seem to be my state
maybe one day i'll be steady
everyday i carry this weight
maybe one day i'll be ready

where are the better days?
sometimes i forget
but maybe by tomorrow's rays
we will be better yet

my heart is heavier than it’s ever been
i’m wondering if healing will ever began
i go back and forth, up and down
and i’m wondering if i’ll ever come around

"how sweet it is to be loved by you"
oh, but how much sweeter to love you

swinging around in your arms, together
oh, i could stay there forever

you are my light, my way
here in your peace, i lay

lights surrounding us both in the night
and in our future looking so bright

i try to live on
take pictures of the sky
but truth be told i loved him
and no one but me will know why

i'm breaking faster than i can heal
and it's going to get to a breaking point
that i cannot heal

"i'm okay"
so automatic
but definitely not sure
a new coping skill
for when i feel i can't share

i have never been a liar
so when did this start
afraid of something
afraid of nothing
AFRAID OF WHAT?
abandonment most likely

but i'm okay
in case you ask

coping
isn't it supposed to be temporary?
how much more loss
can i endure?
it's never ceasing
just like the thoughts
within my head
oh my heart.
waiting for the days to end
loyalty seems like a good thing
but it is also shattered in the end

intimacy is your greatest fear
but distance is mine
i wonder why you don't want to hold me near
i guess you're just too afraid to share your mind

thoughts
you try to throw them
away
into the sea
into the desert
into the abyss
but they stay
close to your mind
they love to stay
because they find comfort
in you
they make up your heart
though you may not feel
the same
maybe you need to learn
to feel comfort in them?

is this
the beginning
of something new?
or the beginning
of something that
has always been
where are the plastered
paper labels when you
most need them?
or do we need them?
if everything had a price
then nothing would be worth it
so let's begin
it's about time

intuition
is your inclination
"don't burden them"
you have to hold out
your own hands
do not reach out
keep your flooding thoughts
behind the doors
for if you open them
they will drown
and you will be
alone

just breathe
trusting seems unthinkable
but what other option is there?

i will not break
as much as my heart screams
i will continue to push forward
because what other option is there?

another evening falls to rest
and i still don't miss you any less
i hope things are well for you
and maybe you think of me sometimes too

a lot has happened indeed
a problem that seems to never unravel
but i do hope someday we see
it wasn't a distance too far to travel

sweet notes of you
fill my mind

and every time i hear a love song,
it's you i find

calming aromas of hope
deep in my soul

and every time i wonder how it came,
it's you that makes me whole

it's you

my fear
is that no one will ever care
like i do

when will be the right time to say
“i know who i am”
and mean it?

how connected do you
really need to be
before you float
away
unsure for sure
but should that
dig deep in your stance?
answers unanswered
the unknown, unknown
mildly claustrophobic
from your own mind
fresh air
comes in segments
and only last a little bit
this is nonsense
but oh
it's all part of something

am i only human?

inquiring eyes stare

an emerald painted imagination

but who really knows what is inside

even i wonder what is inside

the figure of your mind

disagrees with your heart

thought bubbles dance in the mirror

as you try to let yourself in

maybe
the answer
isn't to escape
my own head
but
learn to love
and know it
as your own

she felt a deep longing in her chest
it's ache was greater than any ocean
and it's sharp stabbing pain
did not know the word "end"

it followed her closely
never leaving her side
some may say it was a friend
she would not

where is the opening
to the vastness of hearts?
or a better question might be
"where is the closing?"

this does not feel like the natural state
of a human, or do they all come like this?

enclose your wrists as you enclose your heart
for they both have scars that no one cares to see

what is your hope? or do you even know?
clustered is your brain, when you try to use it

learning is a curve but
when does the path look straight again?

i lie myself down
in the many ways
i disappoint
but who is it?
i really disappoint.
deeper than the ocean
are the desires of my heart
but somehow i still can’t
decipher
the aching of my soul
“i’m fine”
i really am
communication
is vital
but rules never said
it’s clear

sunken, weary eyes
creases of pain
cannot begin to diguise
every gray stain

cracked, aching place
used to be filled with love
a memory i cannot face
every good thing shoved

i'm not sorry for how much
i loved you
my heart was fully touched
now, couldn't be fixed with glue

my greatest fear
is that i will wake up
finally
to the reality i have been looking for
and still wish i wasn't here

glowing lights
a family of plants
a soft bed
a desk filled with art
a tapestry of mountains
a wall of polaroids
a map of all the places
i want to go
a window
that gives light
a peace
that can't be found
anywhere else

they say
to take in this moment
because next year nothing will be the same
but i didn't realize the truth in that statement
till i arrived at next year
and realized that time is fleeting
so i will hug every moment close
till arrive in next year

rain
falling
not too hard
not too fast
but with a steady beat
no thunder
no lightning
only the pitter patter
outside the window
it's safe
it cares
it is peace

open your eyes
you won't travel while they're closed
or will you?
reality or not
is the current
predicament
is it even your decision?
crisp clumpy clouds
carry you away
but you might want to stand
on your own two feet
or you might need to
you deserve the reality you wish to see
all you need to do
is escape your own imagination
and find what you are imagining

a loyal heart
is ripped
over and over
for most aren’t as loyal
but they always run back
to trust
like an addiction
they can’t undo
certitude is necessary
but rarely achieved

a loyal heart
is mended
over and over
just in time
to rebound the loyalty
it wishes for in
return

i know
i may not live up
to your
expectations
small
curious
open
kind of like a
book
but please don’t
bash me
with your words
because i am a step
on the staircase
you are still climbing
and at 70
you will smile back
at me
and remember
the innocent heart
you once shamed

perfection is the key
to every door you
face
but what is the key
to the door inside
your mind?
is it perfection as well?
or something different
no one else can see
can understand
your key is your own
cherish it

a flood of emotions
but i will only catch the hopeful
another day, another way
i can look for the better version
of myself
yes, there is hurt
but one day at a time
a few good words on my mirror
and we will see
what happens

it's too heavy
blundering boulders of weight
crash down on my weak soul
my legs unable to stand straight

i don't know how much longer
i can pretend
realness is my moral
and i don't know how much further
my conscience can bend

where is the end to the stream?
the stream of thoughts that flow
"give it time"
only time will show

when will my heart stop beating
in all the wrong directions?

paralyzed
inside my own head
what value is prized?

trapped
underneath my skin
has my sanity snapped?

confined
within my own heart
has my future made me blind?

please don't go
i know that everybody has to grow
but please don't leave
i really don't want to grieve

please don't go
we could take it slow
you were my very best friend
and i'm not ready for that to end

warm water
cascades down your body
covering your bones in it's blanket of feeling
your head
is a circle of thoughts
will i ever be enough?
the melody of the song you turned on
playing in the background of your mind
sometimes dizzy, sometimes relaxed
in a haze
inner tears
flooding flooding flooding
with memories
you rub your eyes to remove the water
and you enter a galaxy.

if i sunk into nothing
would anybody care?
i just wish i could be something
could this darkness let me up for air?

the world feels like an illusion
and i know i sound crazy for that
i’m sitting in a cloud of confusion
letting it out here, is where i’m at

shaky hands, shaky heart
nothing feels connected
not even emotions that take part

dizzy and confused
am i even in this body?
or is my soul watching, abused?

uncontrolably kneeled
words fight to escape
but my mouth is sealed

am i going insane?
or coming to?
dear God, please let me escape this brain

swirling
spinning
thoughts
will i ever escape my own head?

return
back to earth
let the space in your head
fall behind you
and feel the wonder
each breeze that blows your way
holding memories close
each raindrop cascading down
reminding you of the realness

return
back to earth
look for the reasons
you came back
because you didn't leave space
for nothing

return
back to earth
look for the ways
you intertine with the orbit
in love
in fear
in strength
in weakness
in all

return
in all.

a distant dream
but vivid in my mind
long and winding
roads filled with purpose
but nothing to worry about
you by my side
your presence makes me
safe
a simpler life is ahead
the road is just ahead

finding safety again
can be harder than it seems

safety might not be
in the places i once thought