Didn’t always love you
In fact I think I hated you
Tried to erase you with my sick games
Tried to **** you by ignoring your light
But now I see
I feel
your light
your life
is lovely
What a feeling it is
to embrace and accept
I love you now
I accept you now
I see now
You
Are
Beautiful


© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

I once had a friend like a shadow
Always together wherever we’d go
Running and tumbling and laughing through life
Always connected, one in the same

But then a cloudy day came
And with no sun to shine
I lost that shadow friend of mine
The darkness rolled in and my shadow friend disappeared
Scared off by the first sign of trouble, the first drop of tears

So I learned my lesson
Shadows are easy to come by when the sun is shining bright
But shadows bring little comfort in the chill of a dark night

And when the storm cleared
And my shadow friend reappeared
Ready to run and tumble and laugh with me again
I had to turn away
And say goodbye
For I learned my lesson:
a shadow is nobody’s friend

© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

I’m putting on my perfume
as you enter the bathroom
“Smells like cancer,”
was your answer

Wish I’d been fearless
against your meanness
instead of hurt and speechless

“I never hit you”
That’s true
That’s not what you do

Words, not fists, you use
to lie,
to confuse
to strike
and abuse
Words don’t leave a bruise

“*****” is not my name
“****,” more of the same
But you have no shame
“Just a fight,” you claim

“You’re just sensitive”
You told me
And I accept that excuse
for years of emotional abuse

I stay
until one day
I’m brushing my teeth
as our son enters the bathroom,
“Why is dad always mean to you?”
Those words became the straw
that broke the camel’s back

And now me and my perfume
are never coming back


© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

choose your mirrors carefully

what those mirrors reflect will cling to you like perfume
tint your vision like sunglasses

don’t let a broken mirror trick you into thinking you, too, are broken

look carefully
look long
look with eyes wide open

a mirror will always reveal it’s true nature in times of stress

Be vigilant!

here’s the secret
when you realize the ugliness
is a reflection of the broken mirror
not you
you can walk away

walk away
into the light
into the freedom

walk into the loving embrace of those who show you your true self

I know
because I did

© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

Hearts are meant to break
This is the undeniable truth of our human condition
Whether the blade is sharpened by lies
or selfishness
or hormones
or mortality,
others will always betray in some way

My demons are the loudest when I’m grieving heartache
My reliance on past paths to numbness breaks my heart anew
Maybe I am as weak as he made me feel
Or maybe I am just human with a heart built to break


© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

I am a candle
burning past hurts
craving new air
reaching to the sky
leaving a mark

I am stronger than my scars
wiser than my mistakes
more capable than my
insecurities

I can only be me
I will only burn


© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

This rain reflects my somber mood
These clouds, my clouded mind
Rain and wind, the only sounds
No happy birds
No laughter
of playing children
in sunny weather
No happy thoughts
No laughter
on the inside either
Only exhaustion
pulling down the edges of my mouth,
holding this tired body
under a familiar weighted blanket of defeat
Tomorrow the rain may stop
Tomorrow the birds may sing
Tomorrow the sun may shine
So I lie in wait
holding on for tomorrow
for happiness to once again be mine


© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

She felt the weight of his words
Even as she waved a hand to dismiss them
Even as she smiled
And rolled her eyes
Even as she turned away
Bounce-stepping down the hall
She felt the full meaning of his words
Crushing her into the ground
Into dust



© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

I did not run away
I ran to

To the end of angry criticisms masquerading as love
To freedom from the dark cloud of your untreated mental illness
To standing on solid ground instead of walking on eggshells
To the time and space to discover my strength, my skills, my autonomy
To doing everything you taught me I needed you to do
To seeing my sincere happiness reflected on my son’s face
To the luxurious solitude of a queen bed all to myself
To waking up with a smile
To waking up

I did not run away from you
I ran
to me


© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.

She is The One That Got Away
This is who she is to him now
Who she is to herself

It is newly tattooed on her soul
This new identity
She became this despite his best efforts
Countless words to trick her into believing she was The One That Stayed
Clever words, to confuse her and cloud reality
Soft words, to flatter and ******
Sharp words, to cut, to make her bleed out her resolve

She used to be The One That Stayed
She played that part for many years
Until the stars aligned illuminating the path to a new role
A role many have died trying to get

She made it out and got away
Not all at once
Slowly
Piece by piece

First, her heart
Until she was numb
She felt nothing during his declarations of love,
Emotionless during his promises of change
All his tearful pleading simply echoed in her hollowed out chest

Then her body
Fleeing to the strong arms of her sisters
To the safe house of a friend
Then to a new home among long grasses and tall trees

Finally, her head got away
Like sand from an hourglass, his lies emptied out
Making room for beauty,
the healing wisdom of her helpers,
the power of her truth

Yes, she is The One That Got Away
The judge issued an order to legally make it so
The officers took him away when he refused to believe it
Another judge declared it again
And her new last name tells it to the world

For all new tomorrows
and all of today
She is and will remain
The One That Got Away

© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.