i want someone to call me babe
in a way that they really mean it
i want someone to pull me into their arms
look me right in the eyes
and call me babe
like im their whole world
like i could really do no wrong
that they would always look at me as im in the stars
i want to be told that im the light of someones life
i want them to call me babe
lovingly, teasingly, sweetly
i want the sweet caresses
the gentle touches
the sneaky glances
i want someone to call me babe
i want them to really mean it
i dont want it just platonically
i want it romantically too
i want it gently
whispered to me over the phone
or in passing conversation
i want it to feel fulfilling
loving and sweet
i want someone to call me babe
and to really mean it
to know that someone wants me to be theirs
in that way
its different
i used to think it was corny
but now i crave it
yearn for it like a late night snack
or the warmth of moms hot chocolate
i think i want it so badly
because i know it would fit me just right

I’m drunk on peach wine
And you’re just a text away
I don’t know why you went back to them
It hurts my heart to see
That taking a break didn’t change anything
It breaks my heart to see
How you’re treated when you show any emotion
It breaks my heart to see
The ways in which I could do better
It hurt terribly when you told me that you had gone back
To where you were once so miserable
Every time you tell me a new wrong
It makes me see red
Because I know you deserve so much better
Than to be ridiculed and used as an ego boost
I am so full of these secrets
And it feels like they may leak out of me
I feel like I can never tell you any of this

A few nights ago I made a small confession
And just that felt like I had gone too far
It didn’t change anything
Except to make everything uncertain
I hate not knowing could have been
Or what could be
Because every time i turn around
I see a new memory that we made
And it reminds me of the gentle love you radiate
The love that I crave more of

I don’t know

There’s a hole in my heart that you would fill
But I can’t overstep
And risk losing what we have
I’m lonely as it is
I couldn’t take losing you
It would **** me
Both figuratively and literally
I would die if I didn’t have what I can get
And that feels manipulative
And I hate myself for it
I just
I just love you
I just love you a lot
I just love you a lot more than I should

But he's out there standing tall,
making a difference
while I'm sitting here, falling short,
staying the same.

But he's far away, far-sighted
and breaking new grounds,
while I'm at arm's length, half-blind
and on the verge of breaking his heart.

And every day he's fulfilling
a bigger purpose.
And come what may, I am only
writing of sad proses.

And he's moving relentlessly,
he's ever-growing.
And I'm staying stuck and dry,
I am simply withering.

From his stares,
I would most likely seem small.
And I think he knows
by now he have won.

With his touch,
I would most likely feel like a little girl.
And I'm trying to grow
So I'll try to go...

What do you say to fear when it settles in?
Do you ask it to leave?
Do you run away from it?
Or do you look it in the eye
and crawl closer in?
Do you befriend it?
Or do you swear it's enemy?
Do you set it on fire, cover its tracks?
Or do you run your hands
tenderly down its cheeks?

What do you do when fear takes over?
Do you fight it?
Or do you ask it of its favorite color?
Do you talk to it too soon
about the weather and the future,
hoping it leaves on its own so soon, too?
Or do you savour it slowly day by day,
and pray every night that it will stay?
Do you decide that you are bigger than mere emotions, or do you embrace that such a feeling can overpower even your body?

And what do you do when fear
finally runs away?
Do you kneel and thank the good heavens,
or do you bow and beg hell for it to return?
Do you stay in bed, curl up and cry,
or do you defy and run
the hundreds of miles?
Do you ask for it to stay
and settle down with you?
Do you surrender
and ask it to take over you?
Do you stay and surrender,
do you settle down and take over each other?
Do you accept the where and when
of the right here and right now,
or do you decide that there is no forever;
that even fear can flourish into brand new feelings, take you to new heights,
so new that you have no choice but to embrace it,
accept that such feelings can indeed overpower
your body, mind and spirit,
and encompass your logic, reason
and instincts?

Tell me, look me in the eye...
Crawl closer in...
Set me on fire, run your hands tenderly down my cheeks...
What do you say?
What do you do?

what is love?
no, really.

is it liking the same person for months on end
with no hope of freeing your heart?
is it finding beauty in all of their flaws,
warmth in their smile,
and strength in their skeletons?
is it fighting like hell to let them go
when they’ve found somebody else
and you want them to be happy,
but it feels like you’re breaking inside?
is it finally being freed when you least expect it,
those feelings vanishing in the blink of an eye
as you finally let someone else in?
is it seeing them for the first time in forever,
the way they look at you rekindling that **** spark
you thought – maybe even hoped – had been extinguished?
is it being so scared of telling them the truth,
of losing them again,
but this time for good?
is it setting aside that thing they might requite because
being with them,
ignoring the need to reach out and hold them,
ignoring how your heart swells when they smile,
flutters when they meet your eye,
shines when they wrap their arms around you –
all of that is worth so much more than the possibility
that they may never love you back.

is it you, my love?
could you really be my first love?
i have never been here before,
never once wondered if the things i feel
could be more.
why you?
you were never the man of my dreams,
no love of books holding you together at the seams,
no fondness for writing leaving ink when you bleed.
yet every word you speak makes me smile,
every time you mumble,
or slur,
or stumble,
every breath you take only makes me crumble,
falling deeper than i was before.

is it you, my love?
could you really be my first love?
could you ever look past the mistakes i’ve made
and love me back in the same way?

i wanted so bad for you to love me
as i loved you;
in the way that never falters,
never wavers, no matter how hard i try to stop it.
i look at you and wonder what would happen
if i could just take that step forward,
looked you in the eye,
and confessed it all.

i have made many mistakes,
but there are none i regret
quite as much as those i made with you.
i pushed you away because i never thought
that anyone like you could look at anyone like me
for the right reasons.
in your sweet words i saw something more:
a starry-eyed sixteen-year-old so easily swayed,
small, fragile, so easy to manipulate.
i slammed the door shut on all we could have been
because i was too afraid
of letting the wrong person in.
and while i waited again for your knock at my door,
i wondered if i must first invite you back.

my knock was so soft i thought you wouldn’t hear,
but the handle turned and my heart skipped a beat.
with an unsure smile i turned to face
a blue-eyed reminder that i was too late.
i swore to myself i would forget about you,
let you be happy with whomever you choose,
because maybe all i ever wanted was for you to be happy,
not for your heart to be mine.

to my surprise, after many months had passed,
it took confessing my feelings to find a path
that would lead me to forgetting you
and all of the things we could never be.
i was no longer tied to my missed chance,
and once again my heart was opened
to the world ahead.

oh, but my silly reader,
did you think it ended there?
when i cleaned up the pieces i left one behind,
and in the dense air of fall
i listened as he sang the words to a well-loved song.
he fell so deep into the music as i fell so deep into him,
and just like the orange streetlights hanging overhead,
the spark i had lost flickered back to life.

so now i will start all over again,
wondering if my missed chance
will come knocking again.

perhaps it is true what they say,
that it’s better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.
but the cruelest trick
is never to have loved what it is you lost,
but to hold it close to your heart
in a way that whispers of love.

but time is cruel and works faster than even the sharpest thinkers
when love is involved.
love, lust, like, loath – i never liked the assumptions of poetry.
in the end they’re all the same,
in the end they all end with disdain,
because even if i loved you and you loved me,
we would both grow old and only one would see
how time is cruel and works faster than our eyes
and faster than our hearts.

say my four-letter word is Like and not yet Love,
that the distance is two mere letters
so easily swayed by your silver tongue.
if i haven’t the courage to bring I to U
and let U change to O,
then i will rely on the second closest word:
a word i know to be Luck.

Luck, my fickle friend;
they draw you in and whisper that you are safe,
leaving you at the hands of Time
and making you tick like a clock that unwinds.
but who spoke ill of my best friend Luck,
the one who watches and holds me up?
because Luck is always kind of kind,
as long as you work to make them chime.

and so, with the face of a shattered clock,
i tried to convince myself that i'd had enough
because Like and Love may have two letters between,
but U and I will always be separated by S and H and E.

so i left my Luck and changed from Like to Lust,
decided it was better if my heart took a break,
because nothing in your smile could compare to the stars,
and nothing in your touch could only be ours.
but blood stays warm and eyes still look,
so how could i rob them of the one thing you never took
from me, my lust, my like, and luck?

and yet, four letters still remain,
all the unspoken thoughts we never say –
but the things that we do,
well, they will always remain untrue.

there is still a word where I remain,
its venom laced into every refrain,
because that is what i am forced to do:
refrain, restrain, and never convey
these thoughts i wish you could hear.

so i smile at her and i smile at you,
and as my teeth dig into my lip
these four letters drip down my chin.
they're bitter and stale, but it’s a familiar taste.
there is no U, no S, no H nor E.
I is left with only L and A and R.

seeing you is like the bittersweet taste of fruit that is not quite ripe.
the sound of your voice is like listening to a song i grew up with,
a cruel nostalgia that makes me think of a better time.

but touching you is like nothing else;
my hand on your arm, my fingers on your cheek.
i could breathe you in instead of oxygen,
live on the smoke that tangled with your breath,
wondering if i would ever get to taste
such sweet a breath as yours.

kissing you was nothing else and so much more.
even if you faded from my life,
i would still remember the salt on your tongue,
the words you whispered as you shifted closer,
canceling the space between us.
every day that passes
where even the words that touch our lips do not meet
is a day spent in the dark.

you see, foolishness is a lot like darkness,
and i was the biggest fool of all.
i waited.
i wondered.
i giggled and rolled my eyes, and i thought it was enough.
i was wrong, but there was still time.

i stood before that door, looking at the numbers,
wondering if you were sleeping behind their golden sheen.
my phone said 4 am but my mind said now or never.
i knocked.
three soft raps upon the door, a hundred beats away
from the pounding of my heart.
it sounds cliché, but the moment your lips said yes,
i would swallow that word
and i would never have to wait, never have to wonder.

seeing her was like plunging into a frozen lake in the dead of winter,
my tongue sluggish, my breath stolen by the cold.
her warm words burned as i backed away.

the room behind her was dark and i laughed because
whether it was you or i,
we were all fools in the end.