AJ - Hello Poetry

AJ Mar 2016

love is a four letter word that has always terrified me.
it has been replaced with other four letter words- "lies" and "gone",
harsh words with harsher meanings buried underneath the gentleness of love.
but when I look at you,
I know that "love" is more than just a word.
I know that it doesn't hold nightmares behind its sweet exterior.
I can look at you and see myself loving you for forever,
and maybe forever is too long,
and maybe forever is more terrifying than a four letter word could ever be.
maybe you can't see forever when you look into my eyes,
but I see forever with just one smile of yours.

too many cheesy poems and letters are coming from this relationship

#love

AJ Feb 2016

what loving someone taught me

February 12 2016
loving someone can fill your stomach with killer bees,
have your fragile little heart be held by someone else ,
and tear the walls down you thought would never fall.

but loving someone can also replace those bees with gentle butterflies;
the slight flutter it does when he smiles at you.
it can make you trust enough to have him hold your heart in his calloused hands;
trust him enough to not crush it into a million little pieces.
it can make you take the hammer that you usually took to your skin, and knock down the walls you surrounded yourself with;
tear them down enough to let him look at even the darkest parts of your soul.

love can teach you that even if you hate every inch of yourself,
he will find beauty in every flaw.
he will kiss the self hate away,
squeeze you hard enough that every broken piece of you will slowly come back together.

love teaches you that it doesn't even matter what you look like naked,
the only thing that matters is tearing each other's clothes off and losing yourselves in each touch,
each scratch,
each kiss.

it will teach you to be okay with crying in front of another person;
your pillow doesn't have to be the only thing that listens to you when your demons come out to play at 3am.

*love can teach you that everything you hated about yourself,
could somehow be loved by another.

I thought I had to love myself before I loved another.
but I was wrong.
I was so ******* wrong.
(cheesy Valentine's Day weekend poem?)
((also my titles are the most random things))

#love

AJ Feb 2016

I was scared of love

January 21 2016
there's never a day where I don't think about you.
because it's you, you, you.
I can't go a day without thinking about your lips on mine.
it'll always be you.
*and I'm so ******* sorry I can't show you how much I'm in love with you.

"why do I want to ******* one day and the next I want to **** you?"

AJ Feb 2016

why I hate war, addiction & loving you

January 31-February 10 2016
*because they're all the same ******* thing in the end.

I have writers block

AJ Jan 2016

why would you be addicted if you were sane?

(January 30 2016)
"should we blame it on the mental illness or the addiction?"
*you have to be a little messed up in the head to fall into addiction.
so it's okay to blame both.

my mom left

#addiction

AJ Jan 2016

i can't touch her (toxic relationships)

I am the moon and she is the sun.
we're in the same world, we can look at each other without any hesitation. but I can't touch her.
I can't touch her.
when it's her time to come out and play,
she leaves me reflecting in the sky to keep a close eye on the many changes I have to stay alive.
when she sets for bedtime, she keeps enough light on to help me shine the way in the darkness.
sometimes, we collide.
an eclipse so bright, a touch so magical that it's blinding.
I breathe in her touch. I breathe in the pain she brings me, the fire that warms me when I'm oh so cold.
our collision course is beautiful and reckless, but so rare.
I can't touch her.

I've been writing something everyday so far this year. day 12.

#love #metaphor #depression #sun #moon #depressed #relationships #toxic

AJ Jan 2016

2013-2015

I was fighting a war with my mind, I made a blade my weapon & my skin became the battlefield.

2013-2015. 8th grade to a few months of junior year, depression had pulled me underground. it filled the hole with just enough water to keep me under, but with just enough air so I could pull myself up when I needed to breathe. I was under water for almost 3 years. I had my days, weeks, months where I got to breathe, but the almost drowning feeling became my home. I was nothing. I was nothing fighting a ******* war in my head, and the only thing I could think to do was dig a blade into my skin. it was my weapon. it calmed the war, even just for a little bit. but a war always leaves memories. memories that are a bruise- if you put too much pressure on it, it will hurt.
I can classify myself as okay now. I know how to manage. I know how to deal. I don't need the blade to breathe anymore. happiness is foreign to me, so yes, I miss the sadness. sadness was the only thing I knew. it's 2016. this isn't a new year, new me thing. I'm not going to write a list of new year's resolutions, because let's be real..I'll forget about it as soon as February hits. it's a new year & with my past, I've learned ways to deal that I can take with me in 2016. I turn 18 this year. I need to grow up a little. I need to keep myself from going under, fill that hole with dirt, and plant a few flowers in it. I'm okay. I'm happy. I'm falling in love. not only with someone, but with myself.
I'm okay.

#self #harm #depression #depressed #happy #recovery