an immesnse will of altruistic fire
your blaze unconsciously set deep
within once-blackened halls
these chambers of my heart
how? i plead
how now can you gently request
a failure of remembrance;
my isolation from these feelings

great swaths of regret
find consummation in my head
i lament, i lament, i lament
as the record of events
brokenly replays bright moments
evolved into bitter self-torments
until your lovely name is nothing
nothing but an all-too-familiar poison
a venom of my own concoction.

i drink; gleefully
unready to face the loneliness of existence
this reality henceforth set in motion
i am without you.
i am without you.
i am without.
i am
i

I keep having a dream
Driving an old, beat up car down the highway
Fog is pervasive and thick
Ahead, the road ends
Only emptiness

I long to cry at the supposed ending
Distraught, i produce nothing

Eerily, it feels familiar.
As if the near future is indeed unreachable
As if I will it to not exist

How do i learn the foresight to see beyond?
How do I force it?
I know that i must cause my eyes to adjust
That there is no end

my worst fear has been realised.
the ascending night terrors i begged to be rid of
exploded like a thousand fireworks before my eyes
out of dreamland, into reality.

i swore up and down to myself
that the voices foretelling your inevitable betrayal
were nothing but the howling wind
of my deeply set insecurites.
yet today, it was confirmed.
engraved onto my very eyes,
you with another.
i

am used to this.
the burning and stabbing pain of being forsaken
being used as a fuel to feed another's growth
and when you had finished gulping your massive fill
your doubts were satiated.
like a child, bored of his new toy.
i was but a springboard
for you to launch into someone better.
the inbetweener of lovers
who is doomed to be forgotten
just as he always is.

how do you go back to a home you burnt down?
how do you gather the strength to walk those dilapidated halls?
should it be the same?
should you take another chance?

i don't know if i can.

each time i convince myself to step forward
these echoes pull me back
the places we shared stretched smiles
the sun burning bright on your dark brown hair

me, in love with everything you were
my tongue tripping over words, tying itself in knots
desperately trying to form sentences to convey
how i felt about you:
my summer love, deepest of my life
how could i ever walk away?
how could i leave you for some self assured self benefit?

now how can i return, knowing what could have been
will never be
how can i return, knowing things will never be the same?

i feel the weight of it on these shoulders
making it hard for me to speak
it's always always boulders
raining down so i feel weak

all those places and happy spaces
misplaced guilt; a lover's touch
i recoiled my hand and you grew free
i absentee

months pass and still it weeps
nothing, nowhere, goals aside
i find myself holed up inside this keep
desperately clinging to such selfish pride

the cracks mount and the **** breaks
splilling forward; such great haste
swearing thusly it might empty
yet finding more; forever aplenty

how cruel a thing the passage of time;
affecting this heart with its gross paradigm
those who once laid anchors deep into my soul
seem to have departed swiftly, leaving a hole

friends, coworkers; even my last lover
all now passed, and henceforth i discover
the lonely languish that it is to be
so deeply tender to all that i see

once i read a book, it called this dés vu
and now i name this poem after it to
an awareness that all moments will turn to memory
yet another emotional accessory

7:30 am sharp, our alarm goes off.
i roll over, and look at you, nearly awakened from your sleep,
so very peacefully ignorant to the deadlines and requirements of the world.
and i smile.
your eyes open slowly, locking with mine, as your lips spread wide across your teeth
a small giggle erupting from your mouth.

mornings like these
ones i resigned to impossibility,
now so very commonplace
i can't fathom what life was like prior.
tumultuous,
selfish,
ignorant,
you could call it any bad word and it would fit.

i am whole here
anything i could dream is possible
with my courage as my lance
and your support, a shield
i will grasp that sense of completeness which i have longed for
since childhood.

every lie you said is swirling in my head
every time you walked out
screamed you'd never come back

I always waited for you like some depressed old dog
Tied to a supermarket bike rack whimpering for the one he cares about most to return

I tried to suture every wound you came to me with, pulling out my own muscle fibers to use when words weren't strong enough to convince you not to walk the tightrope of your addictions to escapism, because why, why would you walk away when I tore myself in two and went insane just to make you smile, to make you not think the world is full of horrible evil?

All I ever saw in you was the sun.
All you ever saw in me was not enough.

what's on my mind?
well i'm glad that you asked
as always, more than i can explain easily
it all started when i thought of a friend
whom i haven't spoken to since i turned 19
i remember her saying she moved far away
and then we just lost contact as i see that many tend to do
i'm lamenting about how those you used to know
only exist in your mind like a snapshot
a picture of where and when they were
not who they are now
maybe you know some about what they're up to
and well, maybe you don't
all that's for sure is they aren't them anymore
they've molted the skin of what they were
despite all you want
you can't change who they are in the present
back to whom they were when you knew them the best
and there's a sad truth to that
tthat everything eventually will become memories
some happy, some miserable.
but if you can learn to separate the pain
from the ones burned into your skull
maybe you can then learn to move forward with you life
and your car won't always be stuck in reverse.
yeah you won't always be staring through your rearview mirror.

times like these are always hard
when mismatched emotions could lead into permanent scars
you hold my heart in your hands
& the softness of your touch
carefulness in your endeavors
speaks of a truly kind soul
one that understands the labyrinthian inner workings

all the intricacies and soft dances of love
run through my mind as you aid me in closing my wounds
yet i feel that even if i suture the last cuts myself
a heartbeat for you will still be heard
for what soul could pretend to be deaf
to the careful considerations
that soulful choir
of your own heart.

kindness
kindness so familiar
almost as if it is water itself
but if i were to compare your nature to a drink
i would choose lemonade;
served after a hard day laboring and sweating
the perfectly sweet relief
that is you

//

how i wish i could drink the love
dripping off of your lips
such sweet, pure nectar
so much to share with everyone yet
in my dizziest daydreams, meant for me
& me alone

every night i dream,
i witness the same scenario i've spent years wishing for.
leaving, departing, running,
a location far away,
where no one knows my name.

there, i can unlearn all that has hurt me for years,
my fears, the voices in my head that scream at me that i will be alone forever,
every doubt i ever had.

cleansed of all that once afflicted me, i return home, to choruses and cheers of my reappearance.
those i have willfully hurt, marvel at my newfound self; all accepting my tearful apologies for years of substandard treatment.

but in my heart, i know it to be impossible,
this wish i have cradled for so long.
i will be left forever a singular, devoid  of another's warmth to be called 'home'

two days?
how can such a time feel like an eternity
it's simple when joined at the hip
transfigures itself into permanent separation
lovely, beautiful, compassionate
all words you spoke not 48 hours ago
now all that's left are antonyms
disgusting, ugly, hateful
on my knees i beg
what changed?
what makes a heart grow so cold?

build up your walls
make me just another face.
i'm so tired of feeling stuck
without your warm embrace

praying, this week i've spent
yet despite my pleas
you stil won't relent
to speak of our love

where it couldn't be
where it shouldn't be
where it wouldn't be.

every day in your presence feels like a river
the smooth movements of bodies in a beautiful dance
and though i fear my dischordant want for more may disrupt this flow
the harmony that exists will become whatever it is destined to be
regardless of my individual wants

but quick, before i forget the feelings of this year let me say,
thank you. for teaching me i can love again.

overwhelmed, again
somehow, the other side of the country, seems farther than a two hour drive southeast, because
everywhere is always you, who have been my better half for longer than i've cared for any particular person

you leave me with a solemn remembrance of what was, and will no longer be
yes, those words i always say in comfort of others' grief,
that the word for not changing is death
entropy, being inevitable
somehow, don't quite reassure me of your approaching departure

i cling so feverishly to memories of past adventure
like tapestries hung on the walls of my heart,
full of smiles and good-heartedness

yet, they remind me of a spring that is long gone
in the past are the days, i would spend with liquid intoxicant
forever lost, is the I that would hurt and demean others
so far away, the me that was me

a swirling tornado of emotion engulfs me,
i wonder, if i will have the courage to stand
solace is found in my age old thought;
look forwards, never nought.