Disheveled and groggy, I wake to your smile as you calmly run your hand over your face.
Tired eyes meet mine and I welcome you.
I grasp my pillow when I am urged to hold you;
You are not mine.
Your eyes are focused on your phone and impulse begs me to take it,
throw it to the side,
and kiss you.
It beckons me to distract you from the hectic that has been your recent days.
I clench my pillow.
You turn your attention to me and ask what the matter is.
The anger dissipates from your clouded eyes when landing on me.
As dim as the room is, it reminds me of moonlight.
Soft, embracing.
Instead of responding, I trace the flames on your right forearm.
In this moment, I am warm.
You do not further in asking, instead you lean your head against mine and let out an exasperated sigh.
My free hand clenches my pillow.
Inside I am imploring,
"I want to love you how she never could.
"I want to love you purely.
"I want to love you wholesome."
Instead, I softly press my lips against the tattoo I was tracing.
Your fingers loosely find their way to mine, and we lay.
Quietly,
Comfortably.
I recite the moment I kiss your lips.
I plan it, step by step.
Perfectly.
Doubt drowns me out and while our lips are mere inches apart,
this is not the moment I will close the gap.
I instead bring my eyes to yours and scream every emotion I am feeling.
You grin softly at me and lay your head down, closing your eyes.
I lazily drape an arm across your chest and you drift off with an arm around me.
As you drift away to the sleep you **** well deserve,
I whisper all of the things I'd never tell
you
while you
were
awake.

I thought about you today.

I guess it's been so long since you've crossed my mind that I can barely remember the short time we lived.

I've questioned everything.
I don't know anything well enough to justify a moment of certainty.
The best that I can hope for is sameness.

I've lived thinking I was a decent person who made mistakes like everyone else.
A bold faced lie, yes.
I take responsibility for teaching it to myself
For burning it into my brain,

I thought about you today.

The reality is, something in my head makes me function this way.
Something deep inside me.

I could give the simple answer, that I've always felt insecure no matter who I see, and that being because the first girl I ever loved, loved deep enough to die for, live for, cheated on me. Made me feel worthless.

That person is you.

It crossed my mind how you filled my empty chest, told me I was good enough for everyone, that my funeral would sell out.

But I'm stronger now. I'm growing up. Something I never thought I was capable of.
I'm growing up.
Soon I'll think about you for the last time.
I won't need to celebrate.

I thought about you today, and finally realised that you're cancer, you are plague, all you are is regret.

I'll walk away, because a healthy person doesnt need that,

I thought about you today, for the last time.

Three long years ago it was, the union of two broken halves. Each had scars, bruises and missing teeth, the toll all former lovers and bullies had taken from us.

You held my hand, promised you'd never let go, and in the short time I spent in your arms, I lost myself. Spiraling, down the water spout of your deeply loving, piercing gaze.

It never ceases to amaze me how words that i once struggled to comprehend now  fall out of my mouth like a waterfall, forming the mosaic of emotion that is how I feel when you speak my name.

If I gave you the key to my heart would you always keep it safe?
If i gave you what's left of me, would it begin to mend the broken glass that was your reasons to smile?
Would it forever wipe all tears from your deep blue eyes?

you boarded my ship when it was sinking so fast
i was so very certain you'd drown with it.
time passes
and i find my vessel mended more and more each day

i've been taught most of my life
to fear stability;
for it seemed as if instability, however dangerous
was more desirable that fleeting stability

but now that i find the earthquakes have begun
to decrease in intensity
ever so slowly

i am still left to ask
is this forever?
have i found that which i've been longing for ages to find?

it terrifies me so, but fills me with what i can only surmise is that which i dreamt about as a child

security. home. a chance at peace.

i wake from sleep, to remember dreams of our adventures
i wake from sleep, to be for, if only once, hopeful about the future
i wake from sleep, to know that i find solace in another
i wake from sleep, to that i am loved, as much as i love

i wake from sleep, to know that one day, when the storms have subsided, you will be there, holding my hand, as I walk up the final hill of my lifelong struggle.