it's fall now --
but you probably call it autumn.
you've always loved that name.

you say it springs something in your mind,
something new, something wonderful.

you wanted a daughter with hazel eyes
to match the leaves
and a beautiful, bright smile,
the kind that melts ice
when it's zero degrees outside.

and you would never call her anything
not associated
with this season,
which i thought was funny,
because i've always loved the nickname
"pumpkin".

but none of that matters anymore,
because you're into winter now.

you like the cold,
and the wintry frost that blankets our town.

all your views have changed,
and you want to name our daughter death,
because now, that's all you ever
think about.

Maybe
I was too scared
that you'd become
the metaphors.

I drove my car to the cemetery.
I was a little late getting to our meeting place.
You were already there, by the same tomb stone you always are.
Wearing a tired expression on your face.
the dark half moons cast shadows under your glistening eyes.
You hand me a present wrapped in newspaper and i'm sort of surprised.
I open it and see it seems to just be trash.
you look at me as if you were a closet hoarder and you're showing me your secret stash.
You smile sadly,and say..
"I can't fight your battles for you
This time, It's your own war."
shifting your gaze
you looked down at the gift.
"This is the diary i started writing the day we met."
you said.
"And I won this pack of stale cigarettes off of you in a bet.
These scraps of paper are all the notes we passed back and forth during class.
oh, and you dropped this penny during offering once I finally got you to come to mass.
this paint sample is the color we said we'd paint our future house together.
when we were were messing around in the department store.
we chose a brown like leather.
But, that doesn't matter anymore.
you just didn't see me take it.
or slip it in my pocket.
oh, and this"
she said holding up a golden heart shaped locket.
"My father gave me this before he died.
It's meant for my wedding day.
There's a picture of us inside.
It's yours now.
I wont be getting married anyway.
Sweetheart, I know who you are.
Maybe, to the wrest of the world you can hide your ****** preference.
But not to me, I know the difference.
Don't feel guilty.
You didn't hurt me.
You never deserted me.
I've thought about this a lot.
I was mad at first.
I thought you were sinful.
I thought you were cursed.
But there's nothing wrong with how you are.
It's just my love for you is so strong.
And it won't go away.
This has gone on for far to long.
I shouldn't be making you stay."

I sat there in disbelief heartbroken, and a little relieved.
as I watched her walk away.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn