never open up because
someone will plant a bomb
where your heart belongs
and it will destroy you
tear you to shreds
you will disintegrate
don't open up
its not worth the heartbreak
save yourselves
because i couldn't save myself

YOU HAVE A LIMITED
AMOUNT OF HEART BEATS
WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE
YOUR HEART SKIPS A BEAT
SO, THAT MEANS
EVERY TIME I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN , YOU ARE SAVING ME
YOU MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE
ALL THE TIME
NOT ONLY WITH YOU
BUT WITH THE SKY
THE FLOWERS
THE AIR
YOUR EYES
I FELL IN *LOVE *
WITH THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE *MINE
SO THANK YOU
*FOR SAVING ME

That is a poem in itself, i'm just done with life.

the
urge
to
inflict
pain
on
myself
is
unbearable

two minutes until 4 a.m
i have the strong urge to find a razor blade
i also want to cry about everything and nothing
i have a meeting with depression at 4. am every morning
im never late and i never take a raincheck
you could say i'm a devoted client
or that i'm addicted either way im still sad...

sometimes we meet during the day when i'm deep in my thoughts it stops by just to check if i'm ok and if i am it makes sure to fix that

depression recommends that i find a gun and put it to my head
it says "its for the best" ..."it will make people happy "
and i swear to god that is all i want
..to make people happy
and my existence isn't doing that

I think I want to end it.
But I dont.
Its very confusing when you don't know whether you want to live or die.
Some people want control.
I just want meaning.
If you give me meaning or a reason to live, and maybe a hug or two maybe i'd be ok.
And its crazy how something so simple could save my life but no one is willing to give it to me.
That shows how much i'm needed here.
I know I shouldn't want anyone to save me because superheroes don't exist but i was taught to use my imagination but that led me to be misguided and now for some reason i expect reality to be a fantasy and my fantasy to be a reality.

so...

life?
or death?

Both seem nice to me, i don't know which i should choose.
For now i'll just die slowly with no recognition of the rest of the world.