No one
Needs someone
To complete them.

You just
Need yourself
To complete you.

you tell me sad stories
about the way your father always said 
your name wrong, your words are soaked
in whiskey and blue roses
you touch my skin like pianos and you eat
my soul like electricity and black rocks
tomorrow i'll be making you breakfast,
but you'll still be sad
i will chew the words "i'm fine" until my mouth
is bleeding and my tongue will turn into
pastel pink chalk
i will wear marble underneath my fingernails
and call it a way to survive
tomorrow i will leave you a note
"i love you"
but you will still be sad

I always wonder how life would be different
if I had said all those unspoken thoughts
locked up inside my head

Daddy, why are you hitting me?
It really hurts now, can't you see?
you are putting me in pain,
these secrets I hold I can't contain.
I am only four
there goes another glass you pour.
put the bottle down,
get yourself together, stop acting like a clown.
I just wanted your love, but my heart has a different kind of beating.
The kind of beating that's physical and full of shame,
daddy I am done playing this game.
who's that girl, what happened to mommy?
as you are seducing that girl right here in front of me.
I see your done too...
you move away
to become "clean" so to say.
those new kids of yours, sure love their dad.
do they know about the past you have had?
you don't hit them like you hit me?
you don't drink or smoke like you did when I was three.
I just wanted your love and affection
but you give it to someone else, why make corrections?
Do you still remember me, rememeber us?
the wife and kids you left in the dust?
Daddy, why'd you have to leave me...
leave me with this secret I can't tell anybody.
Mommy doesn't suspect a thing,
I am keeping the secret like you told me.
but if anybody asks,  I shall tell.
about the time I lived in hell.

i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when we talked about going to seattle?
you said you liked the rain
and the fact that no one there would know you,
i just wanted to be wherever you were.
i was never afraid of the dark
when you talked about yours.
i still don't have words for what i felt
when you told me the only other number
you had saved in your phone apart from your mother's was mine.
i keep telling myself you're not allowed
to just exit and re-enter my life as you please,
but i leave the door unlocked,
so what does that make me?
the last "i love you" from the last time we spoke,
is still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
other lovers have tried to pry it out of me,
but the memory of you is like lockjaw.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember the lizard you caught last summer?
you let me name him forrest.
if life is a box of chocolates,
there are pieces missing,
and whatever is left has gone stale.
i can't smoke cigarettes in my backyard anymore
without wondering where you are
or if you're smoking too.
i hope you're not drinking,
i know you hate what it does to you.
your secrets are still tucked between my ribs,
i will hold them safe and repeat them back to you
if you ever lose your way home.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when you told me
about the person you were afraid of becoming,
i said i wasn't scared,
and i told you i was proud of you?
i'm still proud of you.
i hope you're in school or at least keeping busy.
i hope you still make yourself laugh.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember what movie we were watching
the night you got arrested?
i still can't finish it.
i am holding the place.
can we pick up where we left off?
can we stand up and wipe the dust off?
i never got to tell you why i only write in pen,
or why i can't sleep with socks on,
or about the day i caught god with his hands in a public fountain
fishing for change.
i'm not mad at you for disappearing, but i'm lonely.
the only reason i haven't called
is because i'm afraid of being sent straight to voicemail,
but if i ever find myself in indiana again,
you'll be the first to know.

- m.f.

"If this is love I don't want it, please just take it from me."
"Why does it hurt so much?"