saved by the bells
ringing in your head
purer than sea shells
and colder than what’s washed up dead
the shores of my mind
things get lost
littered,
thoughts are tossed out and my feelings are left fleeting and bitter
cherishing the
quiet times or the
quiet nights and the memories of a
bright sunrise
the moment before i’m saved by
nothing. no one.
the anxiety - not clinical,
but so close to it my doctors seem cynical
like a foreign generation,
watched addictions turn into medications
and it’s all in front of me
things laid out, what’s happened and what’s meant to be
when your conscious is a melting *** of past, present, and future
it’s hard to find time to just be you for
a minute
an hour
a ****** up wrist and ice cold showers
my therapist says it’s cause i need something to ground me
but i’ve spent weeks in dungeons and i’ve seen the pinnacle of heaven
and i still miss my dad when i go to 7-11
the worst thing is
residual bleeding
the kind that makes you antisocial
yet people pleasing and
don’t forget how you can’t say no
dissatisfied and my child mind plays the pantomime
kind and selfish, can you see it in my brown eyes?
the eyes that fear the very thing they hold, my soul
is weak and can’t find what it needs, only in love and inevitably disappointing the ones i love for no reason
tears for no reason
starving for what i should’ve eaten a long time ago,
brains are big bullies, bullying my body i’ve done so many sit ups my ribs got shoddy
and
every season is seasonal depression
cause i’m never good enough,
tell me i am and tell me again
tell me i am and tell me again,
then one day my mind and i might make friends

feeling at home
do you feel at home?
dig up your bones
and scatter them around me
feel the sunrise through clarity
in yourself
in the words that come out of your mouth,
they’re powerful and tantalizing,
like the thrill of drinking and driving
still thriving
on the high life
of just feeling at home
it’s more than familiar faces
it’s more than four walls and a door
it’s the freckles speckled on you
everywhere
freckles that reach face to floor
fleeting
home is a siren
home is ***** in a glass
home is absence in your presence and a
fathers lack of conscience
failing one step forward
faking it two steps back with billy joel in your head
taking your pain
and buying it from the liquor store
but the hardest part is
bringing it home
home to the people you love
their faces match constellations and **** the zodiac if
i don’t see you again
i’ll praise the star signs, the ones in your eyes and
i’m getting ahead of myself -
where did all the bones go
i gave one here and
left one there
stringing myself together with letters
from dentist office magazines
and scraps of
dopamine
and sometimes not even that
it’s something that eats me up inside when i’m away from home
store bought is fine
don’t be gone too long
i’ll be missing you by half past nine
i don’t think you’re coming home
hold my hand, what’s yours is mine
i’m still waiting in the doorway
i’m still nine

Publishing a Woman

they don’t write books
about women like
me

but we get all the looks
the haves, the have nots
those here for the taking
here’s what they took

a smile, maybe?
a tear
that’s too senile, an old
fairytale  in your ear

i hope you won’t like what you’re about to hear

they don’t write books about women like me
they write books about women
women who storm but don’t storm in
women who are ripped from heaven not
torn by sin
some women
lose
you’ll hear about them in the news
but they only write books
about women who win

what is winning?
i don’t know there’s no answer
but they write books about women who conquer
women who tower
and occasionally, the ones who cower

when you read those stories you
are grateful for the lines that make you bow down to her
to her strength,
to the lengths she’d go to the great lengths
the way you feel reading that line about her
fangs
in the eye of your mind
does her shadow far away hang

that’s the funny thing about language though
does it feel, or does it show
words can hurt but sting
more when they’re written
there’s no place for women like
me

but if you want a story
a story they’ll read
the lines have to be re written
time to fit your *** into those jeans
find a publisher to make you fit in
youre something new
but the quota only takes a few
don’t quote me but
i need a character they want to *****

so just act a little more damsel
but only fake the distress
i don’t want someone who causes unrest
that boyfriend didn’t pass the test

but here is something, a little less mess.
cause darling, you’re so blue
they don’t write books about women like you, it’s sad but it’s true
i don’t know what you want me to do,
it won’t sell, my publicist will probably go straight to
hell anyway
but
you’ll find your way
just not here not
in my office today

i’m not a character
doesn’t fit the public’s eye
feel like stone strong but
you’ll just get belittled and
it’s not like we don’t want women in the spotlight
of that hospital they sent you to, i think it’s too dark to real
realize don’t you realize women like me like her like your mother are real
ly pushing it here, there not a space for that kind of dark and drear
i could almost become that woman you want right here
right now
be a heroine a
bloodthirsty villain
something you could sink our teeth into
if first i don’t surrender myself to you
that’s what you wanted to hear
but here’s something from the women like me
a word is more powerful unwritten
and the word woman is loud and clear

Naked Games

naked games
take my clothes off
don’t be ashamed

you love your naked games
my chest hangs into your eyes
on a screen where i
play at fame

running with scissors
thats part two
it takes two to tango
to blades ripping
one for me
and one for you

it takes two to play the naked game
chase
race
and my face
up against the wall
you think you’ve won
standing so tall

now take your scissors
it’s always so fun
you’ve gotten you chance to run
but now you’re  naked
arms out like a cross
scissors stencil something sacred

on my neck
it’s my turn i’ll give you a pocket on your chest

be careful
don’t cut too deep
if our blood will mix
i’ll miss what i could kiss
when we run with scissors
carving clothes without our knickers
if our blood should mix
two players from the naked game i’d miss

Persistence

sometimes i feel like falling down
but only. cause standing up is boring
why am i storming though a season where leaves fall
cause that's norming
bonds break but tears freeze and that's how crystals keep forming

i should test myself
see what i can find
in the life of my time
or at least what i've been prescribed

to put it honestly to wish is to dream
and that is to put it modestly
but to live is to rip your skin from your body
because comfort is a sad commodity
a place holder for
what you're meant to be
but that's placing your bets on destiny
and that's still a dangerous place to me

reach for the stars or
at least set your eyes on a planet that's not ours
maybe mars
that was predictable but it rhymed so
sorry if i'm presenting my ideas as cliche
or despicable
at least i can decipher what i know is unforgivable
a prison is a person who's microsoft-able

but that's just my angst creating a villain
vaporizing vixens are vain to the core
but the haze of pain is still in
only cause that's what they tell me when i want more
more than a ******* juul i'm
too cool to care about my health
cause the moment is now right, until i have to worry about wealth
for my family or my chemical dependence it makes me wince i mean i just want health insurance sorry i'm not used to the governments idea of
assurance
but jesus christ
one nation under god
kids get shot for
mowing the ******* lawn
what kind of world are we living in
**** is fueling the patriarchy for the worser
if a fertilized egg is a candidate for “******”
every single guy walks a around wearing ******* or kappa
donald trump doesn’t drink
pops percocets and ******

i'm swimming and drowning and i need assistance
but it begs the question of thoughts that fester in an enemy
i'm sorry, i know that's not fitting my opinion of the human existence
but why am i creating an enemy when all my life has promised me is the empty shell of persistence

Chance


take a chance with me i

do you see what i see

cause i see stars and lights in your eyes
brighter than cars or heavens sunrise

so take a chance with me
rip all the pages, **** the book
read between the lines
well make a bible of all the eyes and looks

cause we’ll make it
they said don’t fake it
but this is my chance so i’m gonna take it

just, think about it like a coin
flip a coin
heads tails
you succeed or you could fail and
my dad was weak and he was frail
so i don’t have many coins to entail

just this one.
i’ll take my chances
i’ll be done
but if it’s heads i hope it’s yours i face
and if it’s tails i’m in
for a lifelong race

but life is short
so take a chance
too short not to dance
like no ones watching
cause i’m not stopping

take a chance
cause if you fail the sun will still advance
my heart will still prance i
think you know what i mean

what we see? do you see what i see
chances are it’s silly to watch you sleep but
darling you would too if you saw what i see

they don’t even see
their heads are empty
your heart might break
and it won’t be so easy
but i like a challenge
no stranger to pain
another chance i’m willing to take

chances are you’re the only one
my heart is locked and won’t come undone
take a chance it might be fun
it might be not be your only one
but i have my eyes set on the sun
i’m gonna make it
this is my chance, and like hell im gonna take it

Cupid’s Cartel


drugs are a dangerous business.
but there’s this one called love
it’s like high schoolers who do heroine
they’re in with what’s above

in love that is
with i don’t know their dealer?
or the way his hands make blood clot
no, i think it’s how their bank account is clearer
finally reaching a point where
their heart stops
me on the way to he street
hey sugar
i’ve got something for you to keep
he handed me his own
and our fingers intertwined
down a long road
festered with rest stops and moonshine

love makes you do crazy things.
that’s what they all say
but this kind of love
it just makes you pay

not money
you can’t put a price on my heart
that bird was a ******* dummy

but it makes you pay with
each and every day
with eyes glazed
you’re not even phased
you’re dazed and confused
for days i was used
but it’s not my fault i was using

i was used to proving it too,
being in love
the sun shining down and
the heavens shaking away my sins
and
it was okay, take my hand
i was in love and i’d found my brand

maybe i should see a doctor
all addicts become abusers
but he’d swoop me and he’d sway me,
what an impostor,
all addicts become abusers
but if it is love in fact, i’ll be a lifetime user

The Power of a Cheekbone


the one that got away. i used to think sayings like this were silly, but everyone is in their own right. he was beautiful. i can say that. others say it too, often, or maybe only think it in secret. but he was mine, i was his and we were lost in a dream that we could only see by pushing forward, one bus stop at a time, one venti ice water less ice, one hickey, one stop at the vending machine. one breakup, one kiss, one i love you at a time. we lived something others envied, but i was blind to jealousy, i could never understand why. why would someone want to take a leap of faith into nothing but the dream of something different, hopefully not dark but no promise of light either- a road trip, abandon their family, break hearts for no good reason other than wanton hope and pure adrenaline. not the kind where you are in danger, but the kind that makes you feel alive.

we lived lovely, alone but together. we were at the lowest point but riding a newfound, begging, irrevocable high. there is nothing like having no one but your other half. you meld together, meld hearts, meld lips, tears and toil too. there is nothing like the company of the loneliness you gave everything for.

the world was ours. not in the sense that it revolved around us, but that time has stopped. existence was nothing, but our essence, fused together like a star. imminent passion and renegade love, we were in the middle of something catastrophic, but we loved it. we ate our own tears for breakfast, had laughs for lunch, *** for dinner, and a curse to our parents for dessert. it was a cycle, a vicious one, but beautiful and pristine all the same.

the one thing i can say about my first love, my teacher, my best friend, my darling and my grave, the pure joy was enough to come back looking for pain, and the beauty of a broken heart, it was my pleasure just to look at you, to  know by memory, like the alphabet or how to pronounce the name Kulusich - The way my hand fit into the curve of his cheekbones like a mortar and pestle rough, hardened like stone, but softer and more natural like a river  over time.. the hurting is enough to end all ends, but the memory is what keeps me alive.

making pancakes tonight.
i know it’s not morning
but it kind of feels right.

i’m making pancakes tonight
do you want some
i know you want some
maybe if i smile i could
get some
you win some
and you lose some
as he always used to say
but the smell of pancakes
eyes melting like butter
you win some
and you lose some
but you can’t help but want some

i’m making pancakes tonight.
come over, it’s like old times
dry eyes
and syrups no way to start a fight.
i’ll cook
you clean
let’s enjoy some pancakes
no kitchen brights just butter
moonlight

cause they’re fluffy
they’re sweet
make you weak in the knees
they hit the spot just right
so come on.

my treat
like i said
i’ll cook
you clean
the griddle, the ladle,
like your eyes shine and gleam

just put it in the sink
time flies by
stomachs filled and riding a high
let it soak
cause we’re eating pancakes tonight

feast your eyes
cause it’s not so attractive to have eyes bigger than your stomach
the memory of breakfast
wanton, happy , an image redacted

you win some
and you lose some
and you can’t help but get some
pancakes? pancakes ?
i know you want some

Three Words

sometimes people ask me
are you even alive
and i say
wow that wasn’t kind
but i assure you
i’m living
i’m livid and i’ve lived a lit life

i’ve gotten my heart broken a few times
but what doesn’t **** you makes you
stronger right ?
i was wrong but i got smarter

cause if you break a bone it doesn’t grow back denser
if you break a toe
you won’t be able to clench it
but if you break a heart
it knows not to beat faster
next time

like that time you saw me on the street
holding hands
like we used to that week
i’m living
i’m livid
i’m living a life you once lived too
i’m sorry i’m not the bleach on your shoe
im sorry i’m not your ***** and your boo
but i’m living
what doesn’t **** you makes you smarter
what didn’t **** me made me faster
what didn’t **** me made me have a face of plaster

and maybe that’s why you ask? are you even alive
well i’ll tell you one more time
i don’t smile
but i also don’t cry
i won’t reconcile
and you won’t ask why

but i’m alive
you just want to see
where i am
where i’ll be
this hurts me too
it isn’t easy
but it’s what has to be done
i can’t hurt her too

what about me?
where was that mentality
when you held my heart
lock and key
i don’t really remember
my hearts made my memory a little bit rocky
but i’m still alive
so don’t get too cocky


i still care about you
tell that to the trial
tell that to my dad too

there are three words
i used to say to you
now there is one of us
but then there were two
there are three words
and they aren’t i love you

Lance

i wish it was different
i wish i said hi
i wish the last words that belonged to you weren’t goodbye

i wish i was that bullet
or a child in a swing
we could laugh and talk
broken rocks and senses of belonging

they gave you a poster
you didn’t give us a sign
and now the school
lives a ******* lie
cause people used that day
the sixteenth of may
looked past eyes
with only a sigh
at least you got to skip that math test right

now i say was
instead of is
i wish you were still here
that day im sad it’s his
they say he was
instead of is
but
that’s because
that’s just how it is now
we hope you wear
an angels crown
fixed your body
a frown upside down
is instead of was
he is so beautiful
he was so sad
he is so funny
he had problems with his dad
he was is instead of was
he is dead
but

some of us did cry
wanting to love and love and
couldn’t tell ourselves
why
you died
why did you die why didn’t you
just give it one more try

to donate anything you can
don’t bottle your emotions that’s not healthy
coping skills are important
that we realize it’s not our fault
tell a friend if you’re feeling sad
i know someone who couldn’t
tell a friend if you’re feeling
tell a friend if you’re
sad down
tell a friend if
he had just said that he wasn’t okay
hey are you gonna make it though the day
tell a friend
a bold faced lie
tell a
family member
don’t spend the day inside
tell someone if you think you should
tell
me
don’t be someone i knew who couldn’t

love me like you do
love me in that chain like you do
hearts pump in the sun
i’m out of breath you make me run
tell me about our great fun
and love me like you do

push me far
away from you
crawl back that’s what i do
it’s exhausting i know it takes a toll on you
on the two of us
between the two of us
make mistakes
make love and
make up and
fight lust

but that’s just between the two of us
did it hurt
to feel me rip away
caught between
fire and still soaked in rain

but it didn’t matter
my heart was yours
on a ******* dinner platter
love me like you do
well
what do you want me to do
i want you to tell me to
i want to make it up to you
but

i turned my back
i held my breath
all i can do
look back
and make a mess
but love me like you do

just put your arms around me
it’ll be us two

make me buckle up
i’ll pour your wine
and i’ll sober you up
but
you’ll make me turn around again
all our means
to something that never ends
you’ll do what you do
try and make amends
what do you want to do
we’re just friends
love me like you do
like what you used to do
i want to be the rain
and i want to be the sand
i want to
be forgiven
just love the word forgive
love me like you do
love me like you did

i'll keep your number saved
not that i didn't have it memorized already
you've got another date
afraid of angels and
maybe even fate
cause breaking hearts, i guess that's just what you hate

but how can i write this with my heart
you took a bite
spaghetti-string tank top that you ripped apart

i don't even like her
she's pretty
i don't love her
not everyone can be your lover
get overwhelmed at the grave you've dug of lust
mixed with love
and it's not that i don't love you
cause i do
i love love loved you
remember when you'd call
say "i love you"
the powerlines whispered "and i you"
the poles couldn't help but think
how it wasn't true
the sky turned blue
cried hail and our calls would fail
your signal is weak
i'll see you this weekend
what? i cant hear you
i'll see you this
way
i can play that game
walk away smothered in a different shame
this time knowing
a broken heart
a phone call apart--
and i'm the one to blame

i'll keep your number saved,
so i can keep a happy face
be a mirror
what you want to see-
it's clear
so i'll keep a happy face

i'll keep your number saved so
you can call me
don't call me
when your head hurts
when your phone beeps
don't call
me
if i ask
don't call me
if i beg
don't call me
if i leave a message at the tone,
i'm tired of playing telephone

if i hold your head in my hands
if i kiss your cheek
if i beat around the bush it's not cause i'm
weak
weaker than the weeks you spent
saying sorry
weaker than your knees when you see me
your darling
weaker than the battery that won't keep
******* starting
burst my bubble
it's been a hell of a pity party

don't call me sometime next week
you won't catch my eye next time we meet
it's a lot of upkeep
and it'll all fall down
if you call
when i'm out of town
you'll crumble
you'll mumble
california could've never been a home
don't call me
you'll only stumble back into the arms of the
dial tone.

*****

sweet sweet summertime
your body
it’s sublime
in that skin
something i could swim in
i could take a deep breath of your air
my looks could cut through your underwear
backseat so steamy
i could singe your own hair

something i could swim in
kiss your lips and
hold my breath
as i travel deep into the depths

sleep doesn’t help
only think of how
warm you felt

your skin across my skin
birds fleeing cold wind

and three ridges on your arms
i will keep you safe from harm
it’s okay i know you have things that make your blood freeze
but if your body finds itself open
i’d let you bleed all over me

blood of dinosaurs
ancient
and orange
only cause you’ve absorbed
my heart
when yours was torn

angels see nothing
in the midst of it all
one hundred eight degrees
that’s the price of 20/20 vision
but i was blind
so i couldn’t see what you upturned from the
outside
in
only feel your bones shifting in your
skin

when you close your mind
your fingers flutter
attempting meekly,
weakly,
cheaply to sink deep
temp sleep in your restless sheets

but as for me
i’ll watch carefully
in your arms or from afar
i’ll be your dreamcatcher
i’ll be your light house
i’ll be your toe fracture
let you run but not past
your guardian angel
i’ll cinch your sickle
around your fickle stature

cause that’s what friends are for
maybe we could have been more
but that’s for a future war
after all
i’m a *****
only for the suspension
ascension
contention that makes me bored

i have to *** now
i am in public transit
flip over that chair

Limes

today is your birthday
or maybe it’s mine
fifteen years ago
you dried your eyes

laid your body in brine
dissolving the teenager
from your mind
it’s time
to put away those limes

you were the first to hold me
hands still a little citrusy
now mothers womb can’t protect me
from your bathroom
shrine
my little heartbeat said
it’s time to put away those limes

every day
i was your angel
thinking of life from a different angle
hold my hand
my hair is tangled
you smell so good
don’t yell at me
i am wood
easy to break
quick to splinter
but maybe it’s time to put away those limes

i was the sun shine
of your prime time
walking the line with me
of your limelight
i would never stay quiet
always begging why
why do i have a bed time
why does the sky cry some times
why does it smell so
green it stings
out the door she sings
put away those limes

cause it was time
on your birthday or mine
to let the fire inside spry
but instead you cried
green tears
and a couple of beers

sirens shine
in the last of the limelight
and handcuffs are like an hourglass
reaching so fast
i’ll love you till the end of time
daddy’s girl
till your name can’t whine mine
out of reach at last

it’s time to put away those limes.

what do you give that girl ?
who wants to die, you don’t know why, but you love her darkened eyes ?
 
her suicidal tendencies, chapstick stained remedies,
the way a piece of hair is
stuck to her lips while you skype her after your family flips

does she feel the same,
the hardened shame,
the open blame,
but not the same, in a sense she needs more than what you’ll ever get being tame

a burning flag,
amongst a bangled banner,
i noticed over the summer your skin got a little tanner.


but maybe you never went outside,
the ocean split like your mind,
and the tidal waves washed away
your blood-stained knives


a bottle of the dial toning ,
spilt around ten bottles of melatonin,
but are you so sure
you’re fine in the house you call
your home?
but not the Massachusetts town I hate
or the night’s always late, or the number 3,6,2,7,8
, but that’s ******* great.


cursed forever
with the memory,
of a girl with no remedies.
she’ll  probably graduate
a different kind of dropout with good
intentions,
but the resentment of your ownn love was by my invention.

cry just to ease the tensions,
but never mentioned,
my adolescence.

or the absence of security, though her blankets would do fine,

another poor boy,
crossed the lines.
onto the other side,
the side of her demise,
where she traps well, in those darkened eyes.

her dark hair,
or darker thoughts,
but to the Sunday lights, never distraught,
that she’d lie just to die,
eyes not just pale.

but trapped into itself,
heart with a double step and a bad case of tangerines
i cry when i think about her lost,
but our dm’s are just across,
a doubled over body,
dry heaving into a shower drain,
and a sickly someone who’s life is in disdain.

Sorry if this is dark but it’s
just what’s on your mind,
a criminal disposition,
but you’re already in line.

For a one stop train to the other side,
where boys get lost in
those darkened eyes,
the place where pretty boys and girls go to die,
the place without face,
and a second pair of legs,
but without what lights
to bring it’s mostly a
haze, a fog, a siren’s single song, a never-ending void, but he’s  just annoyed.

That she wants to leave this life, over and over again, a never-ending cycle, until her final end. Overdosed double over, but I can’t just not send.
a simple text or call or an hour,
cause I love you doesn’t
have enough power, to express your
love for your hate,
or to change the clip in your suicide,

why is it this way, to never want to die in those darkened eyes
but you love the one who never had to ask why.