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sondering Jan 23
Publishing a Woman

they don’t write books
about women like

but we get all the looks
the haves, the have nots
those here for the taking
here’s what they took

a smile, maybe?
a tear
that’s too senile, an old
fairytale  in your ear

i hope you won’t like what you’re about to hear

they don’t write books about women like me
they write books about women
women who storm but don’t storm in
women who are ripped from heaven not
torn by sin
some women
you’ll hear about them in the news
but they only write books
about women who win

what is winning?
i don’t know there’s no answer
but they write books about women who conquer
women who tower
and occasionally, the ones who cower

when you read those stories you
are grateful for the lines that make you bow down to her
to her strength,
to the lengths she’d go to the great lengths
the way you feel reading that line about her
in the eye of your mind
does her shadow far away hang

that’s the funny thing about language though
does it feel, or does it show
words can hurt but sting
more when they’re written
there’s no place for women like

but if you want a story
a story they’ll read
the lines have to be re written
time to fit your *** into those jeans
find a publisher to make you fit in
youre something new
but the quota only takes a few
don’t quote me but
i need a character they want to *****

so just act a little more damsel
but only fake the distress
i don’t want someone who causes unrest
that boyfriend didn’t pass the test

but here is something, a little less mess.
cause darling, you’re so blue
they don’t write books about women like you, it’s sad but it’s true
i don’t know what you want me to do,
it won’t sell, my publicist will probably go straight to
**** anyway
you’ll find your way
just not here not
in my office today

i’m not a character
doesn’t fit the public’s eye
feel like stone strong but
you’ll just get belittled and
it’s not like we don’t want women in the spotlight
of that hospital they sent you to, i think it’s too dark to real
realize don’t you realize women like me like her like your mother are real
ly pushing it here, there not a space for that kind of dark and drear
i could almost become that woman you want right here
right now
be a heroine a
bloodthirsty villain
something you could sink our teeth into
if first i don’t surrender myself to you
that’s what you wanted to hear
but here’s something from the women like me
a word is more powerful unwritten
and the word woman is loud and clear
#woman #woman #woman
sondering Jan 15
***** Games

***** games
take my clothes off
don’t be ashamed

you love your ***** games
my chest hangs into your eyes
on a screen where i
play at fame

running with scissors
thats part two
it takes two to tango
to blades ripping
one for me
and one for you

it takes two to play the ***** game
and my face
up against the wall
you think you’ve won
standing so tall

now take your scissors
it’s always so fun
you’ve gotten you chance to run
but now you’re  *****
arms out like a cross
scissors stencil something sacred

on my neck
it’s my turn i’ll give you a pocket on your chest

be careful
don’t cut too deep
if our blood will mix
i’ll miss what i could kiss
when we run with scissors
carving clothes without our knickers
if our blood should mix
two players from the ***** game i’d miss
#***** #love #games #cut #blood #lover #lover #lover
sondering Jan 15

sometimes i feel like falling down
but only. cause standing up is boring
why am i storming though a season where leaves fall
cause that's norming
bonds break but tears freeze and that's how crystals keep forming

i should test myself
see what i can find
in the life of my time
or at least what i've been prescribed

to put it honestly to wish is to dream
and that is to put it modestly
but to live is to rip your skin from your body
because comfort is a sad commodity
a place holder for
what you're meant to be
but that's placing your bets on destiny
and that's still a dangerous place to me

reach for the stars or
at least set your eyes on a planet that's not ours
maybe mars
that was predictable but it rhymed so
sorry if i'm presenting my ideas as cliche
or despicable
at least i can decipher what i know is unforgivable
a prison is a person who's microsoft-able

but that's just my angst creating a villain
vaporizing vixens are vain to the core
but the haze of pain is still in
only cause that's what they tell me when i want more
more than a ******* juul i'm
too cool to care about my health
cause the moment is now right, until i have to worry about wealth
for my family or my chemical dependence it makes me wince i mean i just want health insurance sorry i'm not used to the governments idea of
but jesus christ
one nation under god
kids get shot for
mowing the ******* lawn
what kind of world are we living in
**** is fueling the patriarchy for the worser
if a fertilized egg is a candidate for “******”
every single guy walks a around wearing ******* or kappa
donald trump doesn’t drink
pops percocets and ******

i'm swimming and drowning and i need assistance
but it begs the question of thoughts that fester in an enemy
i'm sorry, i know that's not fitting my opinion of the human existence
but why am i creating an enemy when all my life has promised me is the empty shell of persistence
sondering Jan 15
you danced in endless circles
i heard you screaming your Santa-Monica

a tainted vision
your birds soaring high

lucid and numbing, do i
really want to know

and you wanted a runners high
but instead you got

it's cold, and your birds are bland,
sometimes mom, the sky is a no-mans land
sondering Jan 15

take a chance with me i

do you see what i see

cause i see stars and lights in your eyes
brighter than cars or heavens sunrise

so take a chance with me
rip all the pages, **** the book
read between the lines
well make a bible of all the eyes and looks

cause we’ll make it
they said don’t fake it
but this is my chance so i’m gonna take it

just, think about it like a coin
flip a coin
heads tails
you succeed or you could fail and
my dad was weak and he was frail
so i don’t have many coins to entail

just this one.
i’ll take my chances
i’ll be done
but if it’s heads i hope it’s yours i face
and if it’s tails i’m in
for a lifelong race

but life is short
so take a chance
too short not to dance
like no ones watching
cause i’m not stopping

take a chance
cause if you fail the sun will still advance
my heart will still prance i
think you know what i mean

what we see? do you see what i see
chances are it’s silly to watch you sleep but
darling you would too if you saw what i see

they don’t even see
their heads are empty
your heart might break
and it won’t be so easy
but i like a challenge
no stranger to pain
another chance i’m willing to take

chances are you’re the only one
my heart is locked and won’t come undone
take a chance it might be fun
it might be not be your only one
but i have my eyes set on the sun
i’m gonna make it
this is my chance, and like **** im gonna take it
sondering Jan 10
Cupid’s Cartel

drugs are a dangerous business.
but there’s this one called love
it’s like high schoolers who do heroine
they’re in with what’s above

in love that is
with i don’t know their dealer?
or the way his hands make blood clot
no, i think it’s how their bank account is clearer
finally reaching a point where
their heart stops
me on the way to he street
hey sugar
i’ve got something for you to keep
he handed me his own
and our fingers intertwined
down a long road
festered with rest stops and moonshine

love makes you do crazy things.
that’s what they all say
but this kind of love
it just makes you pay

not money
you can’t put a price on my heart
that bird was a ******* dummy

but it makes you pay with
each and every day
with eyes glazed
you’re not even phased
you’re dazed and confused
for days i was used
but it’s not my fault i was using

i was used to proving it too,
being in love
the sun shining down and
the heavens shaking away my sins
it was okay, take my hand
i was in love and i’d found my brand

maybe i should see a doctor
all addicts become abusers
but he’d swoop me and he’d sway me,
what an impostor,
all addicts become abusers
but if it is love in fact, i’ll be a lifetime user
sondering Jan 9
The Power of a Cheekbone

the one that got away. i used to think sayings like this were silly, but everyone is in their own right. he was beautiful. i can say that. others say it too, often, or maybe only think it in secret. but he was mine, i was his and we were lost in a dream that we could only see by pushing forward, one bus stop at a time, one venti ice water less ice, one hickey, one stop at the vending machine. one breakup, one kiss, one i love you at a time. we lived something others envied, but i was blind to jealousy, i could never understand why. why would someone want to take a leap of faith into nothing but the dream of something different, hopefully not dark but no promise of light either- a road trip, abandon their family, break hearts for no good reason other than wanton hope and pure adrenaline. not the kind where you are in danger, but the kind that makes you feel alive.

we lived lovely, alone but together. we were at the lowest point but riding a newfound, begging, irrevocable high. there is nothing like having no one but your other half. you meld together, meld hearts, meld lips, tears and toil too. there is nothing like the company of the loneliness you gave everything for.

the world was ours. not in the sense that it revolved around us, but that time has stopped. existence was nothing, but our essence, fused together like a star. imminent passion and renegade love, we were in the middle of something catastrophic, but we loved it. we ate our own tears for breakfast, had laughs for lunch, *** for dinner, and a curse to our parents for dessert. it was a cycle, a vicious one, but beautiful and pristine all the same.

the one thing i can say about my first love, my teacher, my best friend, my darling and my grave, the pure joy was enough to come back looking for pain, and the beauty of a broken heart, it was my pleasure just to look at you, to  know by memory, like the alphabet or how to pronounce the name Kulusich - The way my hand fit into the curve of his cheekbones like a mortar and pestle rough, hardened like stone, but softer and more natural like a river  over time.. the hurting is enough to end all ends, but the memory is what keeps me alive.
this isnt a poem, but i feel it is important to my writing, so take your time reading something this convoluted and distant, know it was so pristine and life altering for me. i wish everyone memories as powerful as this.
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