If you don't want to message me back,
that's fine
If you want to talk a bit and stop replying,
that's fine
If you want to talk for hours on end,
that's fine
If you want to see my poems before we meet,
that's fine
If you don't think I'm cute,
that's fine
If you only want me to be your best friend,
that's fine

Just because I know what I want
and I know I'm not going to get it
doesn't mean you can't get yours

Please don't show up now
I'm not ready to meet you yet

After I make my way home
I have that feeling:
I don't want to go out anymore
Can't I just stay here like this?
Why does the weekend
Always come again
And draw me in
With its promises?

One guy punched holes in the wall
When he was angry at you

I broke my chair
When I lost you for good

What will this one do?
Nothing at all, I suspect
Not a care

Imagining you playing with a baby
is the cutest thing
When you asked me why,
I should have said
because I just love you

A sound is comprised of a range of frequencies forming a wave
I ride just ahead of the crest of that wave
As your music carries me along

I don't know who you are
or what you're doing now,
but I cried a lot for you
when I was 16,
and the only reason
I don't cry for you now
is that everything
is more complicated now,
and I've cried about it all
too much already
There's not a lot left here,
but maybe
it'll come back
once I meet you

ip-10-0-0-32# find /stl -type g -h -le 5.5 \
-age -ge 24 -age -le 32 -bt thin \
-hrt soft -and undrstdg \
-prs lback -iq -ge 120 \
-fce soft -skn soft -all soft \
-not -name 'Katie'

Well I don't know if you saw me and passed on Coffee Meets Bagel a few days ago or not, but you look pretty adorable and sound interesting too, so I wanted to say hi either way! 4 weeks in Ireland sounds pretty great too - was that for work, or some other opportunity?

If you had to pick between only skiing or snowboarding for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

Hey! I do web work too...what do you do for the sports coverage website? No workaholism here haha, but I do work hard.

Where do you like to get ****** up on a Friday night?

Love the uggs on the one male stripper. Gotta get myself a pair.

Aww, you and your pup look like super good cuddle buddies. It's really hard to pick something to watch on Netflix...or Amazon Prime in my case. Watching anything good now?

What is there to get butthurt about on your profile really? Except for short guys, maybe. Oh, and gamers. I play games sometimes, but not excessively. What's the cooper tires thing you did?

6 pounds is tiny! What kind of dog is he, a yorkie or something?

Hey, hope you're having a good weekend. Kinda feels like a golf day today based on the way this last week has felt ha. Do you play a lot?

Hey, how are you liking the city and school so far? I went to an engineering school not too far away, you might have heard of it - ...

Sometimes it's hard to sum up our IT jobs in a few words, but nice job ha. A constant challenge and learning something new every day is what I like about mine!

I want to tell you a secret

a chance to glimpse the truth


This heart of gold you see

the kindness, the care

the soft-spoken words

soaking away your despair


This heart does not intend

to bring you harm

but it will

So he treats you like ****
and I'm left to guess
as to why you still love him
Is it the fact that in spite
of his apparent disdain
for your wants and needs,
he still gives you
his undivided attention
for ten minutes at a time
at the end of the night?

What if our thoughts are completely out of our control, and we only think what's next in line based on the natural progression in our chemistry and the electrical impulses firing in our brain?

Could anyone be called a sinner?
Could you judge men's souls then?

Sorry I
clicked the X
instead of the heart,
but I can tell
from just the
top half
of your forehead
that it wouldn't
work out

Let's skip the
all-happy all-
the-time facade
I want to meet you
when one of us
is crying
and the other one
is high
Instead of
******* rainbows,
let's tell each other
stories
about those
we've left behind
And when
I make love
to you,
you'll know
what it means
to be known,
and I'll know
what it means
to be home

They've taken your scene
Chopped it up into pieces
And spliced them together
Rolling your head to the side
Biting your lip
A scowl
A smile
Blowing a kiss
Revealing a bit
Nostalgic music sets the tone
It's fun, but it's gone
As though you were mine
And these are the memories that remain
Of what was my best time

Christianity gave me a ferocious mind for calling ******* on the cliche wisdom of the world

The world gave me an unrelenting skepticism toward any kind of religious faith

Between these two gifts, everything's been taken away

but reading poetry takes me
more effort
than writing out my ****** thoughts
and splitting them into lines
And now it's time to sleep
because, you know,
taking care of myself

Do you remember
how you gave yourself to me-
the simple act of resting your head
on my bare chest
Your hair wasn't perfect anymore,
and neither was mine
But what we'd just done meant nothing
All significance was held
in the way your arm laid across me
I was strong, wasn't I?
You were safe, weren't you?
Did my fear of losing you
scare you away?

Even if I found you,
I wouldn't want you
You're too depressing,
like me
Or you're too optimistic,
which is annoying
Whatever the case,
say something to disagree
with my outlook
on any given serious life topic,
and if you're not crying
by the end of our discussion,
I'm not being honest

Tell me a cliche
Please
Tell me good things come
to those who wait
I'll tell you my story
Tell me everything happens
for a reason
I'll punch you in the face
Do explain.

Tell me there's a soul mate
out there waiting for me
I'll show you ten thousand
who never found even a friend
Why am I any different?
What makes you think I'm special?
Because you know my name?

Know how I search every day
on sites for meeting matches
and I never find anyone
I really want to meet
or really want to be with
That's because I'm still
searching for you
And what can I say
except I'm a fool

I blast music
I smoke drugs
I groove
Not to celebrate
Not to have a good time
Not even to escape
But because
it's the only
way I know of
to get
in touch
with how I feel

He took a drag
like it would do absolutely nothing
No discomfort
No tar in the lungs
No coughing
No high;
Just a deep breath,
but with lips pressed over a joint

The subtle grooves in
his slow nod
were more in tune
with the music
than anyone's hips
shaking on the dance floor

This isn't where I unwind on weekends
This is where I live

I won't talk to you,
*****
My friend might,
but you ****** him over,
and I won't stand for it

No,
I'm not on drugs
I'm just this ****** up of a person

There's a handful of girls, my type,
at this party tonight
And I have one message for them,
one and all:

*******

I see you dancing with him
I see you grooving on him
I see his friend tap him on the shoulder
I see him smile and point at you
I see you waiting for him
Dancing on your own
I see him
Using you
And I'm sorry

I've got nothing to say to you.
Except everything
that's on my mind
              every day

Now is the age where younger people are all
"oooh ahhh," you're gettin up there buddy
And later will be the age when they don't even ask
Better enjoy those jokes while you can

Tickling in ****, huh?
Is that there
to remind me
someone else
has this kind of fun
playful
cute
even sensitive
and to remind me
of what's gone?

You can spin
in place
for as long
as you choose,
and pretend
things that aren't
are actually true

You can replace
who you want
with another,
but he'll never
know you

Your heart
lies here,
in your many
softly-spoken
words

Unless you can
share them ALL,
in time,
with the man you
give yourself to,
he cannot truly be
the man for you

I'm not satisfied enough to lay down my head until I've stared at this orange-tinted screen that's supposed to help me sleep and I've spilled a bit of my heart for you to see bleed and you're convinced I've got a hole - an unmeetable need.

And then I'm satisfied.
But just enough to sleep.

I remember when
thinking about you
wasn't the
most toxic
thing
I could do

A friend reminds me
I'm not to talk about it
Not with her

And I remember
I'm not to think about it
Not at all

Come to me,
soft woman
Look inside me and speak
The wounds you discover
may remain as your gentle voice
washes over my troubled heart,
but the pain is all but removed
so the healing may begin

I'm trying
to rely on
the right people
instead of the wrong,
but I find I don't have
the right people
to rely on

no one seems
to be a person
who's healthy
for me to confide in

some are healthy
in their own life,
but not right for me
to seek comfort in

others are unhealthy
or unstable;
not a solid foundation
from which to build

the issues I have
seem to be internal,
so perhaps it's best
I go it alone

2003: I stayed safe, close to home
2004: I lost my first love
2005: I pursued a goal and achieved it
2006: I went along with the pressure
2007: I got married
2008: I tried, but I disappointed
2009: I tried more, but I disappointed
2010: I felt joy for the only time in my life
2011: I worked, but I ran out of steam
2012: I got divorced
2013: I lost my Christian faith
2014: I lost my faith in love
2015: Something good, I hope

We expect life to build steadily,
experiences improving,
possessions increasing,
intimacy building as time goes by
until, in a grand crescendo,
we are fulfilled one day

On our death bed,
we say goodbye
to those we hold dearest
We weep as we hold hands,
but we know we have lead a good life
and we will be remembered

The fear of regret we once held
has long been dissipated
We wound up with the right partner
We went without so our kids
could attend the best schools
They will have an even better life than we

But how many lives truly end this way,
and how many in common tragedy?

She comes to mind frequently,
and normally runs roughshod over me
I recognized, thanks to a friend,
that these thoughts are not helpful or productive
I can go down that route a thousand times,
and I have,
but it doesn't matter how much time I spend;
it will always be a dead end

I don't yet know what to think instead,
so now when she comes to mind,
I see what's happening,
I sit in a state of moderate confusion,
knowing I don't want to go there,
but not sure what else to do
I suppose there's still plenty of healing ahead,
but here's to another step

I'm not putting myself out there anymore
I spent enough energy
on relationships that were setup to fail
No more love-seeking
No more latching on
to whatever pretty girl comes my way
No more being a hero
I'm not a perfect man,
so I can't be your perfect man
I've spent enough time
trying to be one
for the women I've been with
I have to admit it's lonely,
but it's time to stop trying to fill
the unfillable hole

when you figure it out
like my first love did,
and you look back
and see what you
left behind
as though
you've grown
a pair of
new eyes,
I'll lend a
listening ear;
I'll genuinely care;
I'll appreciate
what you want
to repair;
but I doubt
I'll ever
trust you again

I will tell you all the stuff I told the last one
You'll get to hear all of my mess

Plus one more she didn't know:
I'll break a chair if you meet someone new
Then I'll write a hundred poems about you

If you can accept that now,
Maybe you can be my girl

I feel a little bad
that you couldn't just post that
"I LOVE YOU!"
to your new guy
because you wanted to
but that it had something to do
with being freaked out
by the last guy who was into you
so I'm kinda sorry
but I'm also still hurt
but that's alright I guess

Please tell me,
Why is it that I'm such an unhealthy person?
I didn't have that bad of a childhood
Not bad at all, really. Pretty good, if anything.
Minimal trauma.
Imperfect, but loving parents.
Is it my brain chemistry?
Genetics?
I don't get it.

Well, I can't answer that question.
Reason being I haven't been there all along
You see, I'd have to know exactly who you were when you were born
And then I'd have to know how your mother held you
How your father disciplined you
What your sister said to you when you'd annoy her
And I'd have to have been there for it all
Every moment
Because each moment shaped you
And even then, I couldn't see just what imprint each experience left
Because I am not inside you
I would have a lot of clues
And I could ask questions for more
But there is no knowing it all
Because you are you because of everything

This will probably make you uncomfortable for one reason or another.
Most likely, you'll be ashamed on my behalf
Perhaps angry at me or something I write here
Frustrated with me
Depressed by my outlook, maybe
But I will still share it
Because...I don't know why, really. It's not art. It's just me.
Anyway,
I don't spend much time with people who are really in control of their lives and going in a positive direction
I gravitate toward people like me who just get by based on whatever talent and skill they were born with
Most of them don't do as well as I do in terms of externals, like holding down a good job, some money in the bank, buying a house
Most of them do much better in terms of being okay with themselves
I don't know anyone as unhealthy as me
That really hits me when I have it in front of me
Out of all my friends and people I know, I don't know of anyone with as unhealthy of an internal life as I have
I end up scaring, hurting, or creeping out the people I get closest to
And when my internal belief is that there's something deeply wrong with me, that only confirms what I know to be true
Counseling (every week) is no longer helping, if it ever was
I tossed ****** addiction therapy and recovery a long time ago and I'm not going back, but at least I'm not getting worse to my knowledge. Unless I'm in denial. I am significantly better than I was in the months leading up to tossing "recovery."
Let's face it. I'm obsessed with a girl who is LONG GONE.
I gave up on anything coming from that, but I am obsessed with thoughts about it.
Maybe that means I haven't given up.
I'm pretty sure I have freaked her out a couple ways even though I am not a stalker and haven't done anything that could be called aggressive toward her.
I really don't even write "blunt poetry about love, loss, and loneliness" anymore. I just write **** that passes through me.
I tell people I think I'm unhealthy.
I'm completely sober and I'm seriously considering sleeping on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever been this low?
I'm not this way constantly. But the fact that I'm not consistent just makes me feel unstable.
One minute I'm on 4 dating sites, the next I'm disabling all my accounts and deleting my apps because either a) a girl upset me or b) I feel too unstable to be looking for anything.
Now how about if that girl read this? She'd know she escaped a serious disaster.
And notice how it comes back to her for me. ****** up and I know it because I'm intelligent. But that doesn't fix it.
And I do forget about her sometimes now. I think that is honestly getting better. There, that's my glimmer of hope, tossed you a bone on that one.
Might as well end it on a positive.

My heart beats
with a murmur
Its unsteady nerves
store anxiety:
confusion,
uncertainty,
self-loathing,
and depression
Occasionally,
it goes into
convulsions
as I feel the fallout
of the unhealthy
things I do,
and I wonder
whether anything
I'm doing in life
is right
Drinking, drugs,
staying up all night,
thinking with my ****
I just hope
one of these
heart attacks
I've been having
either wakes me up
or kills me,
because this
is no way
to live my life

It's not that feeling sad
isn't worse than feeling happy
It is worse
It's that there's nothing
wrong with you
for feeling sad

So don't be ashamed
Don't hide it inside
Where it'll only fester
Bring it out into the light
And we'll kiss it away

I don't need an adventure every time we hang out
I don't need you to be a genius
You don't need to be completely put together
You're allowed to be unhappy

You can look me in the eye
And say you had a rough day
You can collapse into my arms
And I'll love you all the more

you say
this
I look at you like
that
make a joke
here
a brush across the hand
there
a smile
a laugh
a text
a kiss
and I'm bored
I see the moves
as they occur
before they unfold
I know just what
you're going to do
what you're going to say
and what I'm supposed to
and I'm bored
I'm ******* bored