I have
Very rarely
Heard anything
Kind, sweet, or beautiful.

No.
Just dirt.

I have ***** eyes.
They are the colour of earth.
Hot chocolate, or a doe-if you're stretching.

My eyes are dirt.
Poets struggle with them.
They focus on a smile
Or skin
Or soft fingers.

They try to hide the impurity
Of brown eyes
Despite the fact that my eyes
Are the most common colour of all.

I suppose that isn't unique enough.
Dirt, after all, isn't special
Not even for it's life giving
Breaking
Qualities.

I have ***** eyes.
They're simply not special enough
To be cherished.

I think it's about time
To learn how to be
More forgiving with yourself

To learn to forgive
All those mistakes
And choose to take
Lessons from them instead.

All the self-loathing
All the self-pity
All the self-containing

No.
It wasn't fair.
It isn't fair.
But...

It won't change anything
Anything at all.

You've just got to let it go
You know it's about time
It's time to carry on now.

You need to learn how
How to just be okay now.

There are some lessons
In life
That you shouldn't have to learn.

But trust is now something
That people must earn.

Because I've slowly learned
I'm not tempted by pretty blue eyes
That give me flowers

Please don't give me flowers,
I hate watching
The life leave with each watering.

I hate that I have to watch
Pretty things as they wilt away.

My father taught me
A lot of things.

In my youth,

He taught me to care for myself
Before anyone else

He taught me that I am whole
That I am worth so much more
Than a compliment from a boy
With complicated feelings.

He taught me to fight
If I had too
To strike the thigh just so
And break his nose

How did he know it would be a he?
Why didn't he tell me?

As I grew and left his wing
He taught me more
But of life

He taught me that
The hand that feeds
Should be bitten,
if it beats.

He taught me that
He wouldn't be here forever
And I cried

He taught me that
I was strong enough to take them
(and if I wasn't, my mother would bury his body.)

He taught me that
He could cry too
When he and I realised we wouldn't be able
To just go a floor and bug the other

He taught me that
Human beings are difficult
But the relationships are worth it
When you both try

As I aged and graduated
He was caught between letting me go
And letting me hold on while I could

He taught me that
My mother wanted only the best for me
Even though I couldn't see it yet

He taught me that
They were growing older

He taught me that
Patience and consistency and effencicey
Is key when you want it

He taught me that
They were proud of me

He taught me that
Depression gets the best of us
Even though I remember him calling it
A cowards way out.

He taught me that
He loved me.
He loved me more than life itself.

He taught me that
While he couldn't fight my battles for me
He would fight my demons to the death
Whether they were human or imagination.

He taught me that
While I could obviously stand alone on my own
I didn't have too
And I didnt want too.

He taught me
I still didn't know
What I'd do when he was gone.

I don't mean to pat myself
On the back
But...

I am the sort of person
To hold up a shopping trip
When I spot a small child
By themselves

Which I know is
Morally correct.
However

I am also the sort of person
To pull over the car
When I see a dog by themselves

I insist.
I carry a leash for a purpose.

I can't help it.
I wish I could.
Well...

No. I don't.
I know it would make me easier
But I can't
And at the same time, I won't.

My mother always told me
Being kind is free
And despite the fact that she might be outdated
I am evidence of that fact.

I will stop to help
Innocence
Helpless

I don't want a monetary reward
I just want them to be safe and happy.
So I will stop and watch and ponder
I will step in if I absolutely must.

I can't help it.

Well, technically I could.
I just won't.
Kindness is free.

My mother said so
And she's almost always right
In matters of the heart.

She would wish the same
From a by-stander
Near me.

If I say something wrong
teach me

If I do something wrong
teach me

If I am incorrect in my beliefs
teach me

I will not learn better
Until you show me
Why it's better.

I've known that
We're all going to die
At some point

I've known since I was
Maybe 7
And I was taught the life cycle of cells

Somehow it made sense
I am made of cells
If they die
Then I die

Simple.

I just hate that
My cells can't feel direct
Emotions.

I like to think
That if they could
That maybe then
They'd hold on a little longer.

Sometimes I scare myself
Because I don't hesitate
To call myself

Your wife
Your future bride
Your one and only

I don't even feel
Like questioning it
Nor am I
The least bit
Anxious about
It.

I'm not scared to claim it
And that is what
Scares me the most.

I've realised
That the life I've lived
Isn't incredibly conventional
In the traditional sense of the word.

It could alienate me
Elevate me upon a pedestal

But I've also realised
That we're not so different.

I also enjoy ****** shows
And puppies yawning
And pets getting belly rubs.

We're not that different, I promise.
I know our experiences are.

But, I'm still at the age
Where my bills sometimes go unpaid
And I choose to surround myself with Netflix
Rather than do the laundry.

Please leave me alone,
Stop telling me that
You're sorry.

I'm just so tired.

He says
I am loved
That he would move heaven and hell for me
If I asked.

And I reply
with a smile and a thank you.

I love you too
and I'm so-so sorry
sorry that you chose me.

When I give him a
Hollow smile in return
He sees right through it.

Chiding me carefully
Softly.
With warm cups of tea
And soft kisses to my forehead.

He knows.

but I wish
I wish he didn't have to know

He says
I am strong
That we can weather
That he can do it with me
Through My storm

Together.

And when
He says that
I believe him.





I just don't
Know if I could survive
Letting him go
Even for his own good.

Did you know
I had anger issues
At first?

Hit me.

Did you know
Your actions would
Resonate so violently
With me?

I dare you.

When you were
Playing me like a
Shoddy verbal fiddle

Did you know I'd
Fight back?

I'd absolutely love it.

Did you realise
That I wouldn't simply
Roll over?

Your words are nothing
compared to the hits I've taken

Guess what,
I'm not your
Punching bag

Did you really think I'd submit?

Take a swing at me
Just once more
Just one more time.

I've got a whole lot of issues, bud
But, fighting back was never
One of them.

I've had black eyes
and broken bones

I'll knock you out,
Without a second thought.

I won't even blink
When your nose
Sprays blood
All over my clothes.

Did you think I'd give in?

I've seen worse than the likes of you.

The monsters in my brain
have said worse things

After all, how else would I have
These Anger Issues?

Is it bad
That when I wake
I force my sleepy limbs
To be silent

I actually
Rather enjoy it?

Is it bad
That I sort of love
Knowing each sound of life
Comes from my lover

Even though he
Wasn't always mine
And his past is denying my claim?

You're sweet and
Kind
To me.

It's superbowl Sunday
And I've pulled up a chair.
To sit with you outside

I caught a glint of
Metal
Sharp and shiny

From my periphery.
I flinched and went on the attack.

And you came back
With

Apologies.
Sweetness.
Kindness.
Humility.

I apologised immediately
Through out your own apologies
That you knew better
That you were sorry and you just wanted to put the
Scissors inside.

I felt awful.
It was just instinctual.
I can't believe I thought you wanted to hurt me.

You're just too sweet
For something as broken as
Me.

It's funny.
I was born
Within a loving family

Only child
Learned to be alone.
But, there was nothing wrong.
I had a guardian dog and doting parents
Despite their unavailability.

I hit high school
First boyfriend.
He took something that I can't regain.
So, I learned to carry on.

I just wish I'd met you first.

From the age of 14
I learned to bury my hurt
To bury my anger
To bury my shrinking heart.

I just wish I'd met you first.

I hit college
Things are looking up
I'm 20 something now and my past
Is far behind me

But, wouldn't you know it
Some self-indulgent prepubesent boy
Has made me his home.

I buried it too.

I just wish I'd met you first.

I buried my indignation
I buried my rage
I buried my hatred of the human race.

I just wish I'd met you first.

But then I met you,
You were funny,
And sweet,
And you could keep up with me.

Then we got closer.
And closer.
I realised that not all men are evil pigs.
I wished I met you first.

You brought out my best,
You gave me smiles and laughter,
You taught me to be free.

But.
My freedom comes with a cost.
I should have known.
14 years of shoving my feelings and abuse,
It left me angry.

Angry enough that I could scream
Scream so loud that all who could hear me
Their ear drums would burst

So they could feel my pain
My violations
My innocence ripped away

So they could feel how I feel
I can't be silent anymore
And I know I'm prone to bouts of violence.

I do apologise,
I know it's scary.
To go from soft and patient

To deadly and searing.
With the glint of something
Sharp and metal
In my peripheral.

I know in my heart that
You're good and kind.
That you'd die before you hurt me.
So I apologise for troubling you.

But, at the same time I don't.
Hear my war-cry,
Understand I will take your blood
Before someone else takes mine.

Do you want to know
What my fondest childhood
Memory was?

Well, it's short.

I once had a dream
From freakin' David Guetta's song
Titanium.

I dreamt I was flying
I could soar any and everywhere I wanted
And I was indestructible.
Titanium.

Have you ever looked someone in the eye
and watched them die?

It's just a little.
Piece by piece.
They become ever so
slightly more brittle.

He's so
Hesitant.

When he attempts
To genuinely scold
Me.

He always appears
With his Xbox headphones on
And a kiss to my cheek
Or my forehead

Before he tries to
Quietly
Chide me
With his mic silenced.

It's like he's attempting
To demonstrate that
He means no harm.
Only care and concern.

Perhaps it's due to
The temper I've built
Over years of abuse.

(Heaven's know I could slash one's mortality with it.)

Or perhaps it's due to
My skittish behaviour

(Which I  know appears to be inaccurate.)

But he comprehends
(Unfortunately.)
That I have an incredible flight-or-fight
Instinct

And a towering man over me
Within my bed

It automatically ignites
My fight

And I will fight to the death

If I must.







It's not like I haven't died before.
I won't hesitate to die again.

I don't hate the way
He cuddles up to me
When he's asleep.

I don't even mind
When he wakes me up
From the slumber I so rarely get
To tell me some fantastical ramble
Within his own sleepy brain.

They never make any sense anyways.
But he let's me drag him into
Confusing conversations.

I'm so confused in my own skin
So I love my time alone.
Of course.

But I don't hate him within it

He brings me an odd
Odd sort of smile underneath
The doom and gloom in my core

I love my time alone.
It gives me time to think.
But do you know what's funny?

I don't hate him in it.

He's comforting.
He's confusing.

And I know he can't be
Responsible for my health
No one can.

But his presence
Makes me feel
Happily warm
And safe
In my own skin.

I'd say I found my place
Amongst the thousand
Breezes which blow.

Just don't weep
At a piece of stone
Which apparently belongs to me.

I do not know if
That it is me
Which tickled your cheek
With each and every blow

I do not
If I will carry your feet
With each step toward your
Own death.

But I really don't know.
I don't know if I'll become
An autumn breeze
Or glistening diamonds in the snow.

What I do know is that
I'll be free
Most likely, anyways.

As such.
I welcome my eternity.

I know it's hard
It might feel like
A gigantic weight
Is crushing your lungs

Ribs

Stomach

Heart

And you're upset.
It's unfair
Uncalled for
Unenviable.

why does no one understand??

I just want to die
Most of the time.

But did you know
You're not alone?

I've been here
Waiting here the whole time
Writing you a poem
Just so you'd know

I can carry you
I want to carry your burdens.

I want to put your
Hand on my heart
Just so you know

Each beat carries your
Troubles.
Cries.
Torments.

I am here
And I am screaming out
When I just want to let go.

I am here
And I'm struggling to
Make you take my hand
When I want to stop existing.

I wish you could walk a
Mile in my
Brain.

Just so you'd understand,
I know you feel I
Ignore your hurt

But I don't.
I just want to die sometimes.


But I can't
Because I want you to
Understand

You're not alone.

I often find myself
Wanting to scream
And shout.

But I feared I could only

Watch.

The atrocities I so despised
From a cage within the back
Of my foggy mind.

I sometimes find myself
Being silenced

By your need
To be heard

But you see,
I have since discovered
That I too
Need to be heard

My voice helps me
Feel
And Express

My voice allows me
To be heard
And be helped.

My voice helps me
Garner the attention of others
That require my assistance.

When I was little,
Too little to fight

I didn't realise I could shout

I didn't realise I could scream

I didn't realise my words could fight

I didn't realise I did not
have to always agree.
As my elders voiced their
Impure demands.

So now finally
After 23 years of silence

I don't care if you
Or my grandmother
Or even my father

Tell me to be quiet
That I'm talking too much
That I should strive
To be seen and not heard.
Like a good little girl should.

You will hear me.

And you might even fear me,
Which I apologise for.

I honestly lack
A happy medium
Between happy and furious.
I am either content,
Or I will storm your castle.

So I will strive to
Shout
And scream,
Until my throat feels black and blue.

Because I've got a voice too

And by God,
I don't care what waves I have to make
I will be heard this time.

How terrifying it is
To fear you will be destroyed
By a single man

So terrifying
In fact
You destroy yourself.                
First.