I finally broke down and placed an ad
Desperate for that which I once had
Hoping for help in helping me out
Not sure it'll happen since I still have my doubts

First thing I have on top of my list
That I most miss is my childhood innocence
If anyone knows where it is
Could you give me a call, I'll pay top dollar for it

Then there's the love I'd keep beside of me
Wherever I went unconditionally
Sharing with those I felt were in need
Now I need it back, desperately

I remember when I held forgiveness by the hand
Yet over the years I cynically let it slip
The craziest thing about this is
I struggle to forgive myself for losing it

I've started out looking for just a few
I figure if I get these back I'll be doing good
Next I'll be looking to get back my clue
If I had that I'm sure I'd know what to do

Which brings back the purpose for this ad
Desperate for that which I once had
Looking for help in helping me out
Hope against hope these can be found

I only pretend with pretenders
And contend with contenders
I'm only giving to the givers
And forgiving to forgivers

I'm only strange with strangers
And dangerous with dangers
I'm only hateful to the haters
And traitorous to traitors

©

Over the course of life i've found silence and patience to be very powerful weapons...they hardly seem to fail you... thing is you need to have the discipline to stick it.

the movies always told me
that i'd have memories attached
to pieces of clothing
post-break-up i'd have to
go get a new wardrobe because
everything would smell too much
look too much
remind me too much
of you.

i find myself in the same
wardrobe, in the same clothes
because everything and nothing
reminds me of you
we spent such little time
wearing anything when we were
together because, like our relationship,
everything was always bare.

i find myself missing your skin
your smell, your touch,
your words, your fingertips
but my clothes do not carry
the weight-load of the memories
because i cannot remember
wearing anything except
you on top of me.

i thought you were the first; not the only. i thought being in love with you was how dating was supposed to work. i thought you felt this way about everyone you went on a date with. saying i love you a month into knowing each other, for me, was "normal". i thought love came and went with everyone with whom time was spent.

this wasn't the case.

i'm walking down the street with this new boy next to me and internally i'm groaning. he's rich as heck and sure he's not the best looking but he seems ok. he isn't boring but i'm so bored. he isn't annoying but i'm so annoyed. i don't want to be here, in a tesla in sunny california. i feel nothing for him and i don't want his lips on mine. his perfume smells good but i don't want him on my skin. i don't want him.

i don't want him.

he calls me in the middle of the night and asks if i want to go on an adventure. i love adventures. i love late nights under the stars when nothing is holding you back. i love being alive and feeling like life isn't over just yet. i tell him i'm tired. i go to bed. i sleep. i don't want to have an adventure with him because it feels forced and unnatural. i don't want to dance in the rain or smoke under the falling leaves. i don't want to hold his hand or talk to him about philosophy.

i don't love him.

i thought i'd fall in love with him or the other him or the one after him but heck, i'm not falling in love at all. these are just bodies with beautiful souls that do not connect to mine. perhaps i haven't given them the space to touch my heart, spirit, and mind. or perhaps me and you were a one-off. maybe you were the one for me. the one that got away. i could see myself marrying you. i always knew i could raise daughters, but with you, i could see myself raising a son.

where do i go from here?

when i think of home i think of you standing by the bed with your pajama pants on. i think of my curly hair and bare legs. i think of your oversized shirts and my pink tanktop. i think of the mundane things that felt like heaven. home is your new haircut. home is your old shoes. home is laying in your lap. home is you.

You try and keep on telling me
Something I do not know
That everything in life
Is not all one big joke

You seem to always say
That humor has its place
But in every circumstance
That's not always the case

You don't seem to understand
How humor fits the plan
If laughter was not my only sound
The smile on this clown would eventually break down

It's the only way I really know
It's all or nothing when going for broke
My boat would hit rock bottom
If this river of laughter ever lost its flow

Because life these days can be blistering
If you cry instead of trying to sing
And nothing makes the heart sing more
Than a good daily dose of laughter

So I'll continue to laugh at the days
As I giggle bad feelings away
You may not but this I know
Though every thing in life is not a joke
It's the only way I find I can cope