a poem so great
written in your smile
a lament so painful
those pearls we both cried
unexplainable whys,
and a half-hearted goodbye
swear i had you,
for once in a lifetime

and when you smile,
my heart soften;
I'm a child
again.

Somewhere in Hawaii that day,
It's not noon my time
It's not midnight yours
And we were still in love
We were still together
In a spared four hours

I've been watching him from afar
I was seven when the spark lit my heart
He was always on fire, up on the stage,
insightful and underweight

It's just a farfetching crush,
Turned into a vision for my life trajectory
Like an infamous gold rush,
I did everything just to go downhill

A story about delusions and dilemmas
Infatuation and inevitable non grata
How I follow the trails of his shadows
Breadcrumbs by his back show untold

In the alma mater
I learned I don't matter
I am too familiar with his glares
And yet, I can't and won't stop and stare

I am too conversant with his scoffs
Everytime he hears my name
And still, I don't know how to dislike
His disapproval of my existence

There's this itch I need to scratch
There's this ick... I am down, down so bad
I want to know him more and more
Heaven is if he noticed me in a new lore

It's obsession and overflowing adoration
He's an ever-changing stock price
I'm the stagnant river by his home
One that stays true in every trials

This is a tale about my small town pride
It's about his fair flair, black hair,
and his four-tiered brown eyes
A blessing erudite to the Australian sky

I walk on the clouds just to see him smile
Free-falling in fatal gravity like a lifestyle
Huff and puff, I can disappear, go all out
Just so his frown can turn upside down

I'd hide and erase marks of my being
I'd shrink in contra of his upbringing
Just so he can breathe a fresh air,
Oxygen purified from my suffocating self

God, I wish I'm not so ahead of myself
Sometimes I think I put him on a shelf
Somewhere too high,
A pedestal I could not reach or climb

He is dazzling,
With an impeccable bloodline
I am a dim light,
A soul-sucker with sad eyes

We're the total opposite, like parallel lines
That will never meet
Puzzle pieces and jigsaws
That will never fit

Loving him from afar, that's all I ask
In distance, I keep him in sweet memoirs
In distance, I am safe from his rejection
In distance, I bask in dejected appreciation

I want him happy for he is so amazing
I don't dare of wanting or pursuing him
Such beauty shan't get tainted by me
I will let him be...I will let him live

One day when I'm at his wedding,
I'd be the happiest girl ever
For I'm free of shackles for a lifetime
Him living rent-free... haunting my mind

since i was a little girl,
i've been a very good actress
earlier in life, i was a golden girl
way ahead than my peers, a shining over-achiever
good in being too much, too much unlikeable

in my teenage years,
i played the role of misery
with grey clouds hanging over my head
custom-made puddles beneath my feet
and hand-drawn cross-stitches on my left wrist

through the end of adolescence,
i starred in a star-crossed romance
in which i was a frustrating lover
the "always leaving others" lover
the "you will only understand my action when we're in our 40s" lover

now that i am a 2 years old adult,
i am acting like a lost child in a big playground
mind spiraling down the slide
shaky judgements on the see-saw
the fool climbing the monkey-bar

man, i am such a star...

withering smile
fractured skin
dimming moobeam
hinting
tragedies

i grab a pen
and a napkin
cut my words deep
until i bleed
poetries

𝘰𝑛𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝, 𝘵𝑤𝘰 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝𝑠, 𝘵ℎ𝘳𝑒𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝𝑠
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗖𝝖𝝢𝗧 𝝖𝗟𝗪𝝖𝝪𝗦 𝗗𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝗦 𝗧𝝤 𝗠𝗘,
𝚰'𝗠 𝝖 𝗚𝗥𝝤𝗪𝝢 𝗠𝝖𝝢 𝝖𝗟𝗥𝗘𝝖𝗗𝝪!

𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑙𝘰𝑢𝑑𝑠 𝑙𝘰𝘰𝑘 𝑠𝘰 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝘵𝘰𝑑𝑎𝑦, 𝑠𝑘𝑦 𝑖𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑏𝑙𝑢𝑒
𝗟𝝤𝝤𝗞 𝝖𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗩𝝤𝚰𝗖𝗘,
𝗪𝗛𝝤 𝗗𝝤 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗞 𝝪𝝤𝗨'𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝝖𝗟𝗞𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗧𝝤?!

𝑖 𝑤𝘰𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝘵𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝘵 𝑛𝘰𝑤
𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝗧𝗪𝗘𝝢𝗧𝝪-𝝤𝝢𝗘 𝝪𝗘𝝖𝗥𝗦, 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝗧𝗪𝗘𝝢𝗧𝝪-𝝤𝝢𝗘 𝝪𝗘𝝖𝗥𝗦,
𝚰'𝗩𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗘𝝢 𝗗𝝤𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥𝝪𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗧𝝤𝗟𝗗 𝗠𝗘 𝗧𝝤, 𝗪𝝤𝗪!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 🝡𝑖𝑒𝑙𝑑𝑠 𝘰🝡 𝘨𝘳𝑎𝑠𝑠 𝑙𝘰𝘰𝑘𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑠𝘰🝡𝘵
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗘𝗫𝗣𝗘𝗖𝗧𝝖𝗧𝚰𝝤𝝢𝗦, 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥
'𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝗪𝚰𝗟𝗟 𝗣𝗘𝝤𝗣𝗟𝗘 𝗦𝝖𝝪? 𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧'𝗗 𝗕𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝚰𝗥 𝗧𝗛𝝤𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗧𝗦?'!

𝘰ℎ, 𝘵ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝑘𝑖𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 ℎ𝑒𝘳 𝑚𝘰𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳, ℎ𝘰𝑤 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒
𝗪𝗘 𝝤𝝢𝗟𝝪 𝗪𝝖𝝢𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗦𝗧 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝝪𝝤𝗨, 𝗪𝗛𝝪 𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗨𝝢𝗗𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗧𝝖𝝢𝗗, 𝗪𝗛𝝪 𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗚𝗘𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝗥𝚰𝗚𝗛𝗧?!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑖𝘳𝑑𝑠 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝘵 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝘰𝘵 🝡𝘰𝘳 🝡𝑙𝑦𝑖𝑛𝘨 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳 𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑛 🝡𝘰𝘳 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝑙𝘰𝑛𝘨
𝝤𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗣𝗘𝝤𝗣𝗟𝗘 𝗗𝝤𝝢'𝗧 𝗗𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝗦 𝗧𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝚰𝗥 𝗖𝗛𝚰𝗟𝗗𝗥𝗘𝝢,
𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨'𝗥𝗘 𝗗𝝤𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝚰𝗦 𝗪𝗥𝝤𝝢𝗚!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 𝑚𝘰𝑢𝑛𝘵𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑠...ℎ𝑚𝑚 ℎ𝑖𝑘𝑖𝑛𝘨 𝑠𝘰𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒
𝝢𝝤 𝗪𝝤𝝢𝗗𝗘𝗥 𝗛𝗘 𝗟𝗘𝗙𝗧 𝗨𝗦, 𝚰𝗧'𝗦 𝗕𝗘𝗖𝝖𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝝤𝗙 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗙𝝖𝗨𝗟𝗧,
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗙𝝖𝚰𝗟𝗘𝗗, 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝢𝝤𝗪, 𝗦𝗘𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗥𝚰𝗖𝗘!

𝘵ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝘳𝑖𝑣𝑒𝘳 𝑖𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑚...𝑤ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝑖🝡 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳𝑛𝑒𝑎𝘵ℎ 𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑑𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑙𝑦  𝑐𝘳𝘰𝑐𝑠?
𝗛𝝤𝗪 𝗗𝝖𝗥𝗘 𝝪𝝤𝗨, 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗖𝝤𝗨𝗟𝗗 𝝢𝝤𝗧 𝗘𝗩𝗘𝝢 𝗖𝝤𝗠𝗘 𝗖𝗟𝝤𝗦𝗘 𝗧𝝤 𝗛𝚰𝗠,
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝢𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥 𝗧𝝤𝝤𝗞 𝗟𝗘𝗦𝗦𝝤𝝢 𝗙𝗥𝝤𝗠 𝝖𝝢𝝪𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗪𝗘 𝗧𝝖𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗧!

𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑖🝡 𝘵ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝑘 𝑎 𝑏𝑒𝘵𝘵𝑒𝘳 𝑐𝑎𝘳𝑒 𝘰🝡 𝘵ℎ𝑒 🝡𝑙𝘰𝑤𝑒𝘳𝑠,
𝑖𝘵 𝑤𝘰𝑛'𝘵 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝘵 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤ℎ𝑖𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝘵ℎ𝑎𝘵,
𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝘰𝘳𝑠𝑒 𝑐𝘰𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑏𝑒 𝘳𝑒𝑣𝑒𝘳𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝘳𝑒𝘵𝑢𝘳𝑛...
"""𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝐉𝗨𝗦𝗧 𝗙𝗖𝗞𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗦𝗛𝗨𝗧 𝗨𝗣 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝝖 𝗠𝝤𝗠𝗘𝝢𝗧?!"""

I think I'm drunk;
intoxicated not by alcohol,
but by unsaid words,
like "ça va mal "

you coax me in my turbulent nights
you keep me tight under the sheets
you hold me through the days
you let me rest and relax
you tell me to be carefree
you showed me freedom
you made me rest my pieces
that no risk need to be calculated
or so it seems

little did i know
your stomach was kept full when i lose appetite
the midnight oil was burnt for the sake of your future
you trade my property for treasure
you drove my car, convince me i don't need a license
you turn my life around and make it yours
you overrun my house, made me felt i was at home

your comfort, safety,
the rest, time and space you offered me
was your building blocks to a self-made reverie
a better bigger you, and the little old me
you practise and practise
while i eschew all plans for you
you decide to rebrand everything new
puzzles and chess
and when it all collides
when i see what conspires
too late for the afflicted
****, i am checkmated

404 leads to your flaws
302 you perched from the dark
211 'cause you steal my heart
101 you got me all enthralled
500 when I see you from afar
220 honey, that's what you are
508 of you, I should be warned
381, well 143 is too typical
224 mad easy, 'cause you're so lovable