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KD  Jul 2015
I'm sorry
KD Jul 2015
I want to say hi
but I can't make myself say the words
as if my tongue burns itself on them while I taste them in my mouth
-I'm sorry

I want to reply your smile
but somehow it frightens me of how it will come off
I panic but forget to smile and now I stand here looking rude and mean
-I'm sorry

I need to ask something important
but asking is bothering, I do not want to bother you
I will just seek for guidance in my own sea of selfhatred
-I'm sorry

I want to talk to you
I think you are interesting, but I better stay away
maybe you will think I am boring or I will seem like a creep
-I'm sorry

I don't want you to think I hate you
I truly think you are a great person but I know I send out grumpy & judging eyes meant for myself but accidently pointed towards you
-I'm sorry

I really want to go there
"there" means school, class, work, a party or some kind of something
but hey I might ruin it for everyone.. I better call in sick -use an excuse
-I'm sorry
based on what goes through my head caused by my social anxiety. This does/might not apply for everyone, I respect and accept that: It's just how I feel with my anxiety.
Madeysin  Jan 2015
Last words
Madeysin Jan 2015
IM SICK AND TIRED OF THINKING OF YOU FATHER ITS 1:52 AM ON 2015 ANOTHER YEAR OF SELFHATRED AND LONGING FOR SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER BE THERE FOR ME I HATE FATHERS DAY AND I HATE FATHERS AND I HATE PEOPLE WHO JUST LET YOU DOWN IM TIRED OF THROWING MYSELF INTO A RAGING FIRE OF MY THOUGHTS EVERYNIGHT KNOWING THAT ILL BE BURNED AND THE SCARRS THEY WONT FADE AWAY BECAUSE FATHER THESE ARE MORE THAN JUST WORDS THIS IS A PROMISE THAT THE DAY I HEAR YOURE DEAD I WONT CRY I WONT FEEL ANYTHING JUST LIKE YOU FATHER I WANT TO DROWND MYSELF IN ***** AND ALCHOL AND FORGET WHAT BREATHING IS BUT I KNOW WHAT DRINKING DOES IT MESSES WITH YOUR MIND AND YOU SLIP UP AND YOU CREATE THIS LIVING FORM OF LIFE THAT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT JUST AN ACCIDENT I DONT EVER WANT TO BE YOU BUT IF IM NOT WHO AM I...NO ONE BECAUSE WHEN GOD CREATED HUMANS AND HE GAVE THEM THIS WONDERFUL GIFT OF INTIMACY HE FORGOT THAT MEN ARE SO NUMB TO EVERYTHING THAT INTIMACY IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE BEER CAP CLATTERING TO THE FLOOR TO JOIN THE OTHERS AT YOUR FEET AND THATS WHERE YOULL FIND ME FATHER ALONG WITH THE REST YOULL NEVER KNOW YOULL NEVER KNOW
Many times I wished for you to care
To love me,
Stay by my side,
Help me,
Encourage me,
Make me smile and laugh,
Protect me,
Make me feel special,
I've never had that

Didn't you think I deserve it?
Wasn't I important enough?
Did your own selfhatred get in the way?

While you wallowed in self-pity
And added even more regrets to your life
I was left alone, on the outside, feeling abandoned
Like I wasn't worthy

You acted cold and distant
The words I was too young to hear
You didn't care for your life,
Or to see us grow up,
You probably didn't see it like that,
But kids do,
We're not programmed to have adult minds,
You should've known,
I wanted to be loved and that's all I wanted back
To love you with all my heart

The few times you looked at me and smiled
Is all I will ever have from you
It hurts that I care as much as I do
When you've never been there for me
You were never there
I wonder if you ever wanted to

All those times you never showed up,
Made me cry,
Left all alone...
Did you even know?
Did you drink away the only hunch
You've ever had?
Was it worth it?

I get life is hard,
I get you're down,
Believe me, I do
But is that an excuse to neglect your flesh?
If someone hurt you in the past,
It was never me, never your little girl
Why weren't I your little girl?

You grew up in a distant family,
It does stuff to a person,
Just like all this did to me
I get that and try to be understanding
But my patience is fleeting
You don't value my heart
I'll still continue to **** you with kindness
That's a better way to die
Than die of the *****, old and alone

Hopefully you'll find peace and stop
This selfdestructiveness
If not, atleast I tried
A job not mine to do
Only you can make the change,
Only if you want do

I guess you're a lost case
Prove me wrong
But I'll never hold my breathe waiting,
Because if there's one thing I've learned,
It is that you never keep a promise
jealousy
empty, restless
kills, pushes, stops.
Someone’s lie’s and ignorance’s result.
selfhatred.
Floor  Nov 2019
The fall
Floor Nov 2019
Disgustingly full of selfhatred
I once again push a knife to my skin
Red pearls fall to the ground
They are filled with rage and pain
I can't remember a time before my fall
They cut my wings with silver blades
They teached me how to do it
So now I'm pulling feathers out of my skin
And wish no more
As I walked down the same road
I've walked a thousand times
Small town,
I have dreams, never seem to get out
I realized the stupidity of what I was doing
I'm avoiding life because I'm scared of living,
Not being true to myself,
In fear of failing as me
Insignificant people decide my destiny,
Their opinions are valued over my own

This is the road to hell
To selfhatred, regrets and pain
I always wind up ******* things up for myself,
Instead of listening to my gut,
Which I know have all the answers,
I'm just a coward

As I look at the beautiful sunset,
I know the truth is within me,
The power inside me
And the strength with me

I have to change,
Break the pattern,
I've said it from the beginning,
But I never seem to begin
Will I begin now or forever hide in despair?

It's killing me before my time,
I want to live,
But it's like I'm frozen,
Unmovable,
The same place as always,
In hell,
When my soul is made for heaven

Could it be worse?
It actually is,
Because the reason I'm in hell,
Is because I've put myself there,
And it's like the fear screams to me:
"You'll never make it",
"You're not worth it",
"You're stupid"
"You're ugly"
"Why are you even thinking about it?"
It silences me, keeps me stuck
My thoughts are the root of all the evilness
I'm putting myself through

I need to fight through all the sadness
And embrace my madness
The future is in my hands
Will I let it slip through,
or will I grab it by the hands and make it greet me?
It's up to me

Will my fear get the best of me,
Or will my best shine through?
SMP  Apr 2013
Narcissism
SMP Apr 2013
Would I prefer
The slimy synopsis of narcissim
Or to be eaten alive by my own hatred?

To pick at my own skin
Untill I'm as red as 911
Or to be reborn with makeup every day?

Does  masochism have a sweeter taste?
To rival in my own distruction and bathe in selfhatred?
To drink it like your father's wine stash and to sigh happily as I sink down beneathe the surface and relax...
Sometimes I think I'm dying yet I feel so fervently alive...

Disease tastes so sweet under my teeth,
And I long
I LONG,
To have your skin beaneath my hands,
Your legs tangled with mine,
Lips drinking screams.

I wonder which of us longs deeper for this?
Which wants more deeply to dance before a mirror?
To collapse against each other in the halls of a hotel?
Or in the woods behind your home....

What is your dirtiest fantasy?
Pick your poison and I'll drink.

— The End —