Am i pretty enough?
Do i need to change?
Does my wieght satisfy you?
We are all stuck in an abusive relationship
Because when we free ourselves from society
We are the ones who bring negative words
Whether your beautiful or not someone judges you
Whether it be yourself or
The world we live in
We stay in this abusive relationship becaue
We think theres no way out
And im afraid there's not

Alone in bed she looks around
Afraid of what's to come
The shadows dance along her wall
She hears her daddy hum

Tears fill her eyes she starts to cry
Up out of bed she runs
And locks the door; the **** then turns
And Daddy whispers one

"Don't make me wake your mother up
To tell her you've been bad
Come give Daddy a kiss goodnight-
You're making me very mad"

She turns the key and steps away
And Daddy walks inside
Slowly shutting down again
She crawls inside to hide

Alone inside her little world
She cannot feel the pain
Innocence lost long ago
Left in a ****** stain

Images fly through her mind
First her then Kristy too
Baby Carrie's next in line
Before the night is through

Anger builds around her heart
"Please stop!" she tries to yell
But Daddy's hand is on her neck
He knows she'll never tell

She struggles underneath his wieght
As he removes her shoe
She tries to hit but misses
And Daddy whispers two

His grip on her is tightened
And his fist comes crashing down
She tries to fight unconsiousness
As Daddy rips her gown

He rolls her on her belly
Pulls her close so he won't miss
Then he enters hard and quickly
As he gives her "Daddy's kiss"

The minutes seem like hours
As she opens up her eyes
And she hears the desperation
In her little sister's cries

Daddy thrusts in one more time
Then rolls onto his back
And she just lies there motionless
And awaits his next attack

She looks into her sisters eyes
And reaches out a hand
And little Carrie reaches back
And slowly starts to stand

But Daddy isn't finished yet
And Carrie's pushed aside
He holds her down and spreads her legs
And takes another ride

She falls asleep all bruised and naked
****** and surrounded
By the sisters she had reached for
While her innocence was pounded

14 years of **** and lies
She fall into depression
And suicide is what's to come
Of a childs molestation

3 days later a little body
Washes up on shore
A suicide; her wrists are slit
But the sherrif sees much more

The headlines scream the story
Of a young girls devastation
And the silent screams that go unheard
All throughout the nation

But Kelly's story isn't through
Her secrets now unfold
For she tells them with the bruises
On her body now so cold

Now the lights flash through the windows
And there's people all around
Asking all these questions
But we don't make a sound

Kristy hasn't spoken since they
Told her Kelly died
And I am little Carrie
In a corner I now hide

Handcuffs bind his hands and wrists
The evidence they found
Her body told of the abuse
When Daddy was around

"How many?" Mommy askes of him
"How many and God why?"
And Daddy looks away from her
And Mamma starts to cry

"How many did you do this to?"
And then he looks at me
My green eye bruised the night before
And Daddy whispers "three"

Tear after tear showered down from her eyes
Wishing at that moment she could've flied
Words ran through the air attacking her
People of all ages laughed at her

Sometimes the world gets so unbearable
Trying to survive, trying to be lovable
If you try to be yourself you get rejected
You have to be another person to be accepted
Fake a smile, fake a life, live a lie
People will love you, will cherish your every smile
Being true means you're weak
Being you means you're a freak

She laid down on the ground crying
Alone in this world she was sighing
People walked past her ignoring her tears
Laughed at her, forgetting the she feels
Not because she's different she's not human
She's just a person trying to be a true one
She was living her life according to what she given
Knowing that in the end she had to give in

People are all clones of each other
They all look alike it makes you wonder
Where are all the true people gone?
Is shallowness and materialism a must now?
Her image was not accepted in the society
She had to give in and lose wieght quickly
She couldn't bear the suffery she was going through
She wanted to be happy, wanted something new

At the beggining she cut down her food
She appauled dinner, everything was good
She lost a little weight after days
But that wasnt enough because nothing had changed
She cut down her food a little bit more
Sacrifices had to be made so she'll be adored
Everyday she'd way harself on the scale
Then she'd say "it's not enough, i look like a whale"
Everyone noticed how thin she was getting
But she didnt believe, she said they were lying
The pain inside was still living
Like a tree it was still growing
Made her believe that she was fat
And no matter what she'll always be like she always had
To become thinner she considered food her enemy
She stopped eating and considered exiercise her remedy
She became thinner and thinner everyday
Hoping that the sun will shine on her someday
Days, months and years passed away
In the hospital she lies today
The doctor says there's a big chance she's dying
The little pupils in her eyes go drowning
Everything went wrong when she went further
When all she wanted was to live happier
Unfortunately, happiness didnt make it's way through
Because the tree of pain had already grew
It's covered her sight with it's shadow
She couldnt see the sunshine even if she tried to

People around her were still the same
And deep inside still lived the pain
Nothing could've changed her view of happiness
Unless she decided to erase the loneliness
Now her life is ending and for ever more
She's lost everything, she's lost it all....

Overthinking while i was driving to WalMart, didn't feel good, worried and sad. My life is not good, and been fighting forever to make it good. 

I walked to the store, saw a couple with thier kid putting the stuff in a basket basket, so i thanked God i had a CART. 

heard a kid crying, his mom was shutting his mouth, he wanted a toy, but she couldn't tell him that she didn't have enough money to buy it, cuz he wouldn't understand, so i thanked God i dont have to deal with such a situation. 

Two young couples were trying to find the cheapest diapers, so they have enough money to buy milk for the kid, so i thanked God i am not them. 

A very huge guy was trying to find the best bills for loosing wieght, so i thanked God i never been there.

A young guy was driving the elctronic cart cuz he couldn't walk on his feet, so i thanked God i can.
 
A young girl asked her mom if walmart has mattreses cuz she was tired of sleeping on the couch, so i thanked God i sleep in a mattres. 

People were waiting their names to be called by the pharmasist, so i thanked God am not waiting. 

A man was getting his glass cuz he can't see well, so i thanked God i can see perfectly and i dont have to wear one. 

A customer was yelling at the cashier, and the cashier couldn't say a word to save his job, so i thanked God i am not him. 

A man's card was diclined, mine wasn't. 

A lady and her daughter were waiting for a ride in the cold weather, so i thanked God i had a ride. 

I put the bags in the trunk, and thought of what i saw, i cried and prayed for everyone to be happy, get what they want, and be able to deal with life. 

I don't have what they have, and they don't have what i have, no one is better than the other, but someone is satisfied of what they have, and the other isn't.

We are only siblings with one thing
that connects us at birth is genetics
and chemical DNA
Whilst our spirit, soul and energy
are from worlds away
seperated by will and the cosmic fate
All through life we open up
to accept and forgive
to with truely live
We have our differences
even with or without the X's
Theres still a connectedness
that cant be easily suppressed
The hemoglobin blood tissue flow
is where our DNA grows
We share the droopy lid eyes
and the addictive traits
and personality lies
ankles and feet that cant
wieght or structuraly stand
I idolized you both so now
so now im alot like you both
and myself defined by my
own values, morals and oaths

Sipping Red Wine
With
Disciplined disciples
Dining
With minds alike
Best friends,
Next of kin
I repent
For my sins
Then
Hug my worst enemy
As she
Kisses me
On the cheek...

"Here's my toast,
A final cheer"
I raise
Out my chair
Hold my glass
In the air
Final words spoken
In red
"Momento Mori
Remember the Alive
Soon becomes Dead!"
Lips stained
And wiped
With bread
My Body
And Blood
Portrays
The art
Of Me
Spilling my heart
As I talk
Of My Final walk

Remembered
For ages to come
The pages will turn
As nuns
Thumb
Through my revelations
Revealed
To show my appeal
For
Keeping it rea
lEveryone stands
Clap hands
I give the
Cue to sit
Then
Follow in suit
Before
The crucifix
Suited in an outfit
That helps
My family
Come to grips
With The Final dip
Into oblivion

Rest assure
The rest's assured
With a promised
That God keeps
Strenght
Will be
Bestowed
Upon the weak
Faith
Is best owed
To the one
Who speaks
"Let There Be Light"
And brightens
The darkness
Of life

I
Will take the pain
Of a thousand deaths
Take a thousand steps
With the wieght
Of the world on my shoulders
As I pass away
For my best freinds sins
As he watches me
Silently
Violently whipped
As blood drips
On a red shirt
Tye dyed
From the wine I sipped
The night before

I died

I walk around everyday lost in the past, like reading a ******* history book trying to learn of people from the past. I can never understand how other people think. No matter how hard you try and find the solutions for other peoples problems and honesty and sinceraly want to help them. Whether it is for love, money, friendship, or simply wanting to do the right thing. And even when we do our very best to help and get hurt in the process, for some reason we always come back for more as if the pain inside of us is blinded by the new distraction of you will. I call it that because 9 times out of 10 it seems that the people you are trying to help act as if they want it but then run when it is given. We jump blindly of cliffs to our own doom. We do it so ******* willingly that it becomes second nature.We do our best to protect those we care about or want to care about and the world has a way of saying go **** yourself. And when we take that plunge we hit the ground landing on jagged rocks fragementing into a million pieces. And as time goes on our minds and hearts pick up whats left and piece back together into what we lie to ourselves and call a new and better person. But it is exactly that, we are not a new or better person we are just more learned on the fact that not everything in life is free and the very sad fact that you will cry by yourself far more times than you will laugh with the one you care about. You will learn that there is no perfect relationship, there is no such thing as a soul mate. These are fantasies and dreams we make in our minds so that we can have some glimmer of hope that not everything is lost. That not everything we do in our lives will bring pain and confusion to our lives. So again we decive oursleves. Nothing ever good happens to its too late. We make a million mistakes in the process of trying to do one good thing. Those odds are proven time and time again. And it is not until a friend lays out our  mistakes and can sympathize with them do we realize how stupid we have been and like a collision of truth slams into us and wrecks our whole ****** day. Draining us of our last drop of blood, pulling that last fragment of care from our hearts which is already in a million pieces on the floor as the world walks on past crushing the fragments beneath the wieght of the past and it becomes harder and harder to ever believe that anything will get better with time, people never change, they are what they are, and no matter how much you may be willing to change for them...the sad truth is you will never change, and they will never accept you if you do.

my mind has turned against me
images of being tortured
bounce like a red hot molecule inside my skull

"you deserve this"
"you're worthless"

they scream in my ear
its like a non stop 747 flying by my head
but today was different

i grabbed the thoughts by the throat
and pressed them against the wall

with my eyes burning with righteous anger
i throw them to the ground

i press my boot against its throat
and press with all my wieght

they begin to choak
gasping for air
they utter a single phrase
"please have mercy on me"

you didn't have mercy on me
you didn't give me an ounce of joy
you didn't allow me to get out of bed

so no
i will not have mercy on you
i will end your miserable existence

in the trunk
and down the street
i throw you in a ditch

shovel to the head (1)
i bury you far away from me

i'm not stupid though
i know you'll come back

but this time i'm prepared
if you come on my doorstep again
i will not be held accountable for my actions

For Once.
The pain is gone.
The heart ache is over.
My belonging is back.
I hurt, but not so bad anymore...
The wieght has been lifted and removed,
    from this immortal soul.
I have done right by me...(For Once!)
10/03/96/
redone /11/16/09/ac

there's nothing I can choose
nothing to lose
lose wieght as such was never really one
of my great pleasures

i measure life with coffeespoons
and moons reside in greater circuits as yet discovered
by man kind

so blind so blind my love
i see you here and feel you
and this is all i care about

over
and out.