I met someone exciting the other day. We’re in an English class together, twenty of us, the class is really about chaos. Attraction can spring from nothing (talk about chaos). We had split into discussion groups and we were next to each other.

The abruptness of it surprised me - I felt the realization, a tingle that ran through me like a wave. I actually twitched, shivered really.

I’m still getting used to people, after the great pandemic separation. I know there were people who carried on as if it weren’t real. My parents, both doctors, took it very seriously. I was “sheltered in place,” like Rapunzel, with shorter hair. For over a year - it seemed longer.

So I haven’t felt this way in a while - this crushy feeling. Near him, my whole body is a receptor, very aware of everything about him - the smell of him alone saturates my senses. Everything about him seems vibrant, revelatory.

He opens doors sometimes, he brought me coffee - twice. He’s started covering the seat next to him and clears it when I arrive so I can sit next to him. He asks questions about my life. He’s polite but persistent, like a newspaper reporter. He’s from Nebraska, a farm boy (19, a man?), he has a dreamy accent and he’s funny.

I wish I could be around him more. Even thinking about it makes my heart race as though I were confessing a secret. But the fact is, it’s impossible. It’s too soon, we just got here. The wish itself is a burden.

Why do I have to be ruthlessly practical all the time? It *****.

O I'm well tired
My poor feet are bigger than
normal that's not good

I know what a big
elephant feels like now with
there big stompy feet

And it's o so cold
outside that winters trying
to get in my house

I can feel it's bite
What a cheek it as , get out
of my house winter

go outside to the
trees cause no matter what you
do the trees stand tall!

Yeah take that winter!!
And see your fluffy snowflakes
They can shoo off too

Because all they do
is shut down the schools buses
and all train stations

And it melts way to
fast to build a snowman , all
that's left is puddles''

Oh slushy mushy
Fussy crushy lushy snow
Pushy offy please

The conversation
takes an crushy turn - so my
brain starts making quips.

My experience is
that my amorous impulses
are unreliable.

With my friends, my flawed,
carnivalesque attempts
at romance are legend.

Unless I'm starved
for embarrassment's grief
which I seldom am.

I will dodge, slither,
obfuscate and stall attempts
at intimacy.

What if I’m the
Kind of girl that guys can’t
just fall in love with?