I saw you last night.
you were standing across the room, but I couldn't stop looking at you long enough to tell myself to move my feet.
I touched you last night.
you must've noticed my twitching palm and because you know me so well, you knew it was because of how uncomfortable I get when you stare.
I held you last night.
for the first time in eight months I was lucky enough to breathe you in and my god you still smell the same as you did the day you told me you couldn't love me anymore. I was too much. of what I don't know but maybe it was because I refused to give myself up for you time and time again.
I kissed you last night.
I think it killed me.
my lips haven't felt that much sadness since you kissed me with tears on your cheeks and blood on my wrist. your voice echoing in my head "why did you do this, oh my god why did you do this, please don't do this again. I'm begging you please baby stop"
you were mine last night.
for the short time we were together, there was no one else.
I wouldn't dare give my attention to anything besides your hand on my thigh. I couldn't possibly move mine from you neck. I was bonded to you in a way I haven't experienced since I gave you my innocence.
I woke up this morning.
cursed myself for dreaming about you once again. I pressed my hands to my mouth and repeated over and over
"you are not mine
you were never mine
you never will be mine.
I was never yours.
I will never be yours."

Before you fall in love with a suicidal girl
Don't.
Suicide can not be romanticized and though she might idolize you
Remember that you may not be enough.
Remember that this world may never be enough.
Demons don't just go away, sometimes they just hide in the shadows.
And even at the highest noon they are there. Just smaller. The sun will go down.
She will always have shadows.
Remember that no matter what you do
You are irrelevant in her master plan.
She will plan out her letters in your arms.
When she is silent hold her. Make her know that she is loved, it may not be enough but those few moments in your arms might make her think twice.
But don't assume for one second you will be her savior.
When you see cuts on her wrists do not beg her to stop.
She won't.
She will cut deeper for letting you see her weak.
She will try to be strong.
She will put on a show for you. She will make you forget she was ever depressed.
Remember that sunsets can make you forget that night is bound to follow.
Know that night will follow.
When you get her final love letter to you
Ignore the fact that it is stained in blood.
Do not pour your precious time.into wondering if she suffered.
She will write her apologies in her best handwriting.
Do not read it.
Get in your car and drive.
Drive to the nearest bar and read the letter through hazy bloodshot eyes.
Do not blame yourself.
Do not look for moments you could have done something different.
It'll drive you crazy.
Before you fall in love with a suicidal girl.
Don't.

I wish I could feel the same feelings when I kiss him
But the problem is
He is not you
Nor will he ever be.
Maybe that's not a bad thing;
Maybe the feelings you gave me
Were too extreme for me to hold.
Maybe since he doesn't bring me those feelings of pure happiness
He won't bring me crashing into that dark hole of loneliness either;
That hole that I know
All too well.
But what's the point of it all
If I'm just pretending to be content with the way he kisses my neck
And grabs my hips
When I'd much rather have your clumsy fingers brush my side
And tuck my hair behind my ear?
What's the point of it all
If my smile is due to my memory
Of you kissing me
And not because he's kissing me?
There is no point of floating in shallow lakes
When the deep ocean is just a few steps away.

There is a man, somewhere, that is about to grab his hair with both hands and nearly rip it out of his skull by the roots because he is having ******* withdrawals after having decided to stop several days ago.
At this very moment, a woman is crying on her porch, her legs drawn to her chest as she mourns the death of her husband the day before by putting a cigarette to her lips for the first time in 3 years, inhaling familiarity.
Tonight, some 20 year old recovering alcoholic put his back to the wall and slowly let himself slide down, sitting with his feet in front of him.
Leaning his head back and closing his eyes, he let out a breath he had been holding for 70 days as he felt the accustomed burn of alcohol in his throat.  
Logically, it is easy for me to process these things because as a child, I was thoroughly educated on the addictive chemicals found within drugs and alcoholic drinks.
Yet, I was never taught about the addictive qualities in a person.
I never knew it was physically possible to ache from the soles of my feet to the top of my head because your arms were medicinal for my limbs.
I was not aware that my teeth would begin to chatter when a year had gone by since your finger last ran across my bottom lip.
I was not ready for the nights where I would stay awake until sunrise because I could not sleep without hearing your voice before I closed my eyes.
I may not have injected heroine into my system but you injected love straight into my bloodstream and there is no amount of water that will allow me to wash this out and be clean.
You are a tempting bottle of whiskey that sits in my kitchen every day after I say I'm going to stop drinking,
and even smoking 4 packs a day will not rid me of the withdrawals of the faint smell of cigarettes on your clothes when you were asleep next to me.
If there were a rehab for me to go to, I would go,
because this habit will be a lot harder to break than biting my nails.
-c.g

I want you to kiss your love into me.