He is everywhere
The places I eat
The places I sleep
The cigarettes I smoke
The music that plays
The stars at night
The clouds in the sky
He is everywhere
But I can't see him

It's just a blank slate, take it and run my dear.


Because these only come once in a lifetime,


make no mistake. This is your blank slate.

I'm in love with the thought of being in love, and which love in itself is a completely different form of love in someone or something. Love is a concept that can be created as a chemical, so understanding the balances of love is understanding being in love. Be in love with your thoughts of conception because I'm in love with mine.

Podium

That’s me on the totem pole,
with the face paints and cigarettes.
The smoke burns your eyes.

That’s me on the pedestal,
ears to ground and eyes in the clouds.
The rain soaked your skin.

That’s me on the platform,
with the rucksack and treasured artefacts,
The timetables melted your mind.

That’s me on the podium,
soaked in sweat, medal around my neck.
The track broke your heart.

That’s me at the finish line baby,
maybe,
we could go back to the start.

It was the first party she was invited to, she knew that the only reason people wanted her to come was because she was having a fling with one of the popular kids. One of the guys who wore the short shorts and southern tide shirts with his hat flipped backwards. She didn't even like the sight herself, but she had just been broken up with from her previous boyfriend and she was feeling lonely. He came onto her about one month after the break up, it was the middle of summer and he was always around hanging out with her brother. She remembered the time when she first really noticed him, they were picking up her brother from work late and night and she was switching from the driver’s seat to the back seat. She was moving things out of the seat when suddenly her brother pulled forward in the car and the wheel was on top of her foot. She was screaming to the top of her lungs and as Brandon leaped out of the car Andrew finally drove forward and the tire slowly released her foot. Brandon picked her up like a husband picks up his wife when they first get married. He placed her in the seat and untied her shoe trying to relieve the pressure. It was the size of a cantaloupe. She was crying from all the pain and her brother raced home to get her mom. They pulled up beside the house and Brandon came to the side and picked her up again cradled in his arms, he placed her on the couch and sat beside her to wipe away the tears streaming from her face.

Brandon taps her shoulder and she realized she was day dreaming of a better time, he motioned forward to the table and she realized that someone had poured shots. "Great" she thought, "the last thing I want to do is drink ***** with all these people around me." She took one and all the sudden everyone was cheering. Thinking to herself she wanted to get as far from here as possible but she didn't want to be the "loser" everyone thought she was. "You look stunning tonight." Brandon said when he was close to her ear. "Thanks, it's kind of a stupid costume thought don't you think?"
"Not at all, you look nice as a **** Santa." She felt so uncomfortable in that stupid costume, she went shopping two weekends ago to the Halloween store next to the mall. She couldn't decide what to wear so her friend picked out a "**** Santa" costume and said that all the guys would notice her in this. She felt her stomach turn. She didn't want people to notice her but she didn't think she could look at these ridiculous costumes any longer.

I feel so out of place, she thought to herself as the drinking went on and the music was growing louder. I don't belong with these people. Brandon wrapped his hands around her waist and she could smell the alcohol coming from his mouth as he tried to kiss her, he was beyond wasted. "Don't you think you might want to slow down a little bit?" She said to him. "What's wrong, this is a party you should be as drunk as I am." He laughed so loud, if she was deaf she would have been able to hear him. It was past midnight and she was getting sleepy, she figured she needed to slow down so she could actually drive back home. She was staying at her mom’s place so her mom wouldn't care if she came home wasted. Why not right? It's a party. So she drank until the room was spinning and she couldn’t stop giggling. She grabbed the bottle and chugged, “Woah, look who was telling me to slow done, how about yourself?” She laughed, “Well I thought you said I should have fun, this is what fun looks like right?” “Do you want to get out of here?” As soon as the words came out of his mouth she headed for the toilet and threw up whatever she was drinking and the dinner she ate before the party.  Brandon had sobered up overtime and drove her car home to her place, with her head hanging out the window so she didn’t throw up everywhere in her car. He pulled up outside her house and she already knew the words that were going to come out of his mouth, “Can I stay?” She felt her stomach turn to knots, and as she worked up the courage to say yes, she threw up right outside her front door in the bushes. He helped her up the stairs to her room, and she told him he could stay if he wanted. So he did. She wasn’t feeling as dizzy anymore so she finally changed into shorts and a tank top for bed. Brandon was laying in his boxers, and although she liked the sight she wasn’t sure this is what she wanted, but her thoughts were all jumbled together anyways she couldn’t think straight. Laying down, the dizziness came back and her stomach felt uneasy, she didn’t know if it was from the ***** or because an eighteen year old boy was basically naked lying beside her. She wanted to tell him that this was a bad idea and he should just go home but she knew he wouldn’t listen, he never did.

The clock turned to three am, and she felt him push against her, she looked over at him wondering what he was trying to communicate to her, and that’s when she realized he wanted to have ***. All she could think was no. There was no way she was losing her virginity on Halloween night when she’s still drunk and can barely see straight. Her thoughts couldn’t make their way to her mouth. She felt like a mime, only able to speak with her hands, but she couldn’t even move. His hands were now on her stomach forcing down her shorts and underwear. All she could think was no. There wasn’t a sound able to escape her mouth. She was trying to wiggle her way out of his touch but his grip suddenly tightened around her stomach keeping her stationary. Her moved his body on top of her and began forcing himself upon her. Tears were staining her bed sheets but she wasn’t screaming for help, her mouth wouldn’t let her. Instead, she cried silently still trying to break free from his body encaging her like a prison. He forced himself upon her again and kept forcing himself until she started to wail. He acted as if he didn’t hear her. No, this is not what I wanted, this isn’t what was supposed to happen. Why is he doing this? She thought as he pushed harder unto her. He loosened his grasp on her arms and she broke from his prison and ran to the bathroom, there was blood, so much blood. Red marks covered her arms and thighs. She didn’t want to go back in there but she didn’t know what else to do, she waited thirty minutes before entering her room only to realize he was fast asleep. She noticed all the blood on the sheets and just cried herself to sleep.

It was sometime in the early morning when she woke up, and he was gone. She heard someone at the door and shot up wondering if it was him, she peeked out the curtains and let out a sigh, Thank god it’s not him, was all she could think. She walked down the stairs realizing how much her body ached. Opening the door, her best friend walked in and she lost it. She began crying in her friends arms telling her everything that had happened last night and all her friend could do was stand there in shock until she finally stopped crying. “You have to go to the police!” Amber said. “No, Amber I was so drunk and stupid they won’t believe me when I tell them what happened. They will tell me that it wasn’t ****. They will tell me that I didn’t say no!” she cried. “Michelle, if you don’t go to the police your just going to let him get away with this? I told you her was a horrible person and yet you still fell for his stupid tricks and look what happened. He ***** you Michelle, can’t you understand that?” “Yes, I do understand. But I didn’t say no, I didn’t scream to get him off of me I just laid there imprisoned and took it.” She said so quietly it wasn’t even a whisper. “I’m so sorry.” Amber said and she motioned for Michelle to come into her arms for an embrace. “It will be okay.”

Dear you.
You have become old,
you can make your own choices,
and no one will be there to stop you.
You have become old
and you have learnt a lot from life.

You have met a lot of people,
different hearts and characters,
and some that you loved a lot,
surely stabbed you at the back.

Some that you believed would never be away from you
were the first to proof what betryal was.
You learnt to love, care and be tolerant.

You learnt how to hate
and dislike,
you took examples from your childhood
and carried them to adolescence,
you vowed never to be like your father
and up until today you are still not like him.

You learnt how to carry you self well in public,
while standing up for yourself.
You led almost every group discussion
and you were always the up-front
person in class,
you forever said your words
and they stuck loud and clear into their hearts.

You became a rebel,
by not doing what the majority did.
You have kept your varginity up until this day,
and no form of drug has ever been diguested into you system.

You stood up against what you knew was wrong,
and you forever made things straight,
you didnt care whatever it took,
even being hated was never at any chance going to stand in your way.

You promiced yourself to be true to your own being,
you kept your diginty,
you left a smile on faces of those who felt secure around you.
You never lost confidence
and you didnt care what people thought about you.

You learnt to love,
accept,
apologise,
and forgive,
and up until this day you have forgave even that sharped knife that cut too deep.

Dear you i wrote this counting down to those few days left before you become a young adult.
I am proud of how you fought through all those trails.
You faced it all,
and no daughts have ever stood in your way.

Yours loving,
most caring,
the only comforter,
the only one that understands you.
The only one to never live your side,
the one that has always felt all the pain when you got hurt.

Yours loving friend...

MYSELF