Were those days real,
The sunshine moments conversing?
Did those precious few nights exist
Blanketed by your breath?
Where do memories end
and visions of desire begin?
Those words of love you spoke—
are they memories or dreams?
Will they yet come back to me?

I want you Big, Baby,
Lanky long and strong
Like those arms and legs and torso
Tangled up with mine in my dream…

I’m a Tiger, Baby
Crouching in the recess of your mind
I long to leap & pounce,
to ply your gentle lips with wild raw passion
Feel my red writhing tongue
draw yours into an ****** dance
My hungry mouth tracing every line,
Arousing every hidden nerve
along the edges of your consciousness
until we lose all consciousness, sunk into desire.
Lost in this tingling moment
entrapped by our electric dance

I want you!
Long and strong, Baby!
Teasing me
Driving me to beg for more
More of you
I’m on my knees, Baby!
I’ll awaken, tease & tempt you
on my knees

I want you!
Driven,Baby!
Driven mad,
Wild & lost in me!
Grabbing, grasping, parting
With long strong arms
Hips pressed on hips
Pounding me
With that long strong head
Deeper, Harder, Yes!!
I love you! I Want you! I need you!
Yes!
I need you Again!
I love you Forever!

When a vision dies
While the love that wrote it breathes eternal
The heart cries
Tears trickle down worn cheeks as sharpened ******
A sorrowful mourning

How can i reconcile Love and Loss?
What to do, Knowing how I must let go?
These tendrils of my need cling so tightly
‘round and through each essential part
of my life?
I understand why…
I just don’t know HOW
Did YOU find a way?

5 months effort to my 20 years
before the mask of kindness dropped

“Speak 7 positives for every negative,”
instructed he who floundered
finding single words of kindness
through my many years of grace & deference.

“was proud of you
renovating…you removed a toilet alone…”
(***?! that was circa ‘04!)
offer rejected!

just fly back to Korea already
spare me the stench of destructive sentiments
marinated in days-old garlic sweat
I’m worth more!
where’s bolt cutter?

How comforting, those simple words,
“I do that, too.”
Then, I knew I wasn’t alone.
If it makes me broken or crazy,
at least I have company.

He suffocates me
Asks me who I want to be
Then snuffs the fire trying to breathe
My birthday wish? I’m trapped!
He demands reply… Set free these wings
Let her phoenix fly.

but what do I know
chained down here below?
what do i really know
of love’s tragic flight..
it’s pointless to fight
so I meekly say, goodnight

As I lay here Drifting,
Tired, nearly passed into that otherworld of sleep,
mind reaches out before it fades to plead:
Would you, my Love, spare some moments in my night
Penetrate the passage to my mind
Engage me for a dream or few?
I have no care where we go, what we do
As long as we are happy together, just we two
Holding hands and laughing
Stolen secret glances…
Embrace me for a moment as best friend,
Touch me as Beloved
Hold me next to your forever
or just simply BE with me in my dream
Spare a fleeting moment here & now with me tonight
Together
Let me dream with you immerged.

before I even knew
even then it was still

Only
Ever
Always
You

I think we were meant to be
because
no matter what life brings
I always return to missing you
Only ever always
You are my
Inevitable

If I made you feel like just one
of several parentheses in my life,
I am sorry, full of remorse, apologies & change

The truth is I wish you had been the book!
(my heart remains enclosed by your parentheses)

I wish we even yet could build
sentences & paragraphs, pages & chapters...
I wish we could live a book Together?

It seems the pen has dried. . .
I wonder why?

I know you hold
So many aches inside your heart
I know you care
So deeply
You hold so many hearts
Close
Your heart is big
But no heart can hold the burdens
of the world
Yet you try
I know this of you
Please know, my heart holds yours
I care

You’re closer now (in my waters?)
Yet, here I am
Lodged
between a rock and a hard place
just a little pebble
ticking away time in wishes
watching as the sun
rises, sets and years progress
Observing ocean tides
rise then gently recede…
Until one frigid night
intense & wild king currents
washed me out to sea
Lost in sand and sea-grass
as waves rock to & fro
watching ***** scuttle by
or snatched as eagles dive from the sky
Now I, like those hapless *****, aimless;
Never to rest on your welcome shores;
Remain, lodged
in these capriciously shifting sands of time
while you catch a connecting flight
Away

I’d built thick prison bars,
enclosed the corner that you claimed in my heart.
How did your ghost break free
to set up residence in its entirety?
My heart is now too vital,
too wrapped around those tiny fragile ones
to risk a break again (like long ago).
I know it’s not your fault!
‘Twas nothing of your doing that freed this apparition,
ne’er replaced friend & lover
whose conquering flag was never burned,
for whom my love could never be excised.  
The simple fact is:
“Promise me,
no matter what happens,
you’ll always know I love you”
rings true of my love, too—
This heart-home where your ghost resides…
this domain where you are King
I am your palace, you the Royal tenant ever,
My Beloved.
To drive you back into that prison cell,
I will not even try.

Just the thought of you
Brings much-needed peace
In this moment of glistening pupils
So, thank-you
For your healing presence
In my heart.

Would you linger with me
Soft lips meeting
Savoring the stolen moments
of red-light kisses Someday?

I’m saving them all for you…

My thoughts will fly your way  
At each red light each & every day
as in dreams I’ll wait

I would show you
In tone and word, touch and…
Do words exist sufficient to encapsulate
all the ways and senses?
I would use them all!
you would KNOW
my heart, soul, body…
You would know
the extent of sensation…
How I ache intensely to express
in every way and more
just how deeply
I Love You
Right now
If I could, I would
show you. You would know.

Many forms it takes:
Aching, stabbing, numbing, chronic,
dull crescendoing to piercing pang
I shift; it smites, no tonic
for the bone-deep bruise, the sharpened fang.

Mind & body too united
Too in tune to pain
Heart too unrequited
Meds & treatments all in vain

End-of-day: I’m wasted, broken, spent
Snake now coils, flicks its tongue
Injured python slithers to emotions’ scent
Constricts the soul, and I’m undone.

Do you remember how
I’d always catch you gazing?
However sly you tried to be
in sneaking glances from your softly hooded eyes
I somehow knew, would turn to look at you…
I still do… Know, I mean…
When you think of me with your cool blue eyes
gazing filled with tenderness and care.
Like tonight… I sensed your affection
& smiled across the miles in your direction.
Did you catch my twinkling grateful eyes?
Your kind thoughts… they really do make my day.

How can you even imagine
Much less believe
that Any touch but yours, k
Tattooed in living color
Could ever
Touch forever
even now your absence
reigns tears in the shower

This need for only you
Is writing my next tattoo

How many more tears must I cry?
& Now Don’t You Know?
It’s only you!

I’m trying to find a way back to me,
to undo some choice in my history  
when I took the wrong turn,
propelled down the wrong road.
Somewhere the me that was meant to be  
Turned into an alternate (missing) reality.
Yet, searching the map of my life I’m blind.
Which choice was not right, I can’t find
Or rather I can’t determine
at what point I should have deciphered the way.
When & where was lost
that stronger & happier me,
the “she” who I want to be?

Though, does all this questioning matter?  
It’s been a one-way street for so long.
Reverses & turns could just splatter
the good. Those I love would be gone.
Illusions, delusions, beacons of hope?
They’re all but a fevered dream to cope
Or a glow that spotlights how lonely the day
Yet, I continue this pondering to say:  
Is there hope for THIS life to be true?
(Could I ever find another like you?)

Did it again
repeated my sin
Let those feelings take the wheel
Expectations so unreal
Thunderstorm that stole the sun
****** up wishes come undone
Days wrapped up in a blurring daze
**** is scattered, lost, ablaze
…
As havoc’s ashes settle
passion is lost, no color
life has turned lack-luster
the fire has gone
just dullness on & on
Despair, an eternity
of empty
Wrong

Ravish me!
In the shower, on the couch
Release the animal inside
Take me on the kitchen island
Open wide for your drive of passion
Bend me over in your office on the desk
Let me hear your grunts and groans of pleasure
I will rip you naked
Gaze with lust upon your natural core
Grasp my diamond heart with talons fierce
it will not bleed within your hold.
Take flight with me
We’ll leave troubles of the week behind
As we find exhilaration and release
In these our bonds of instinctual need
Scatter with me handfuls of seconds
vulnerable between us.
In dualities of pleasure
Take us to the perilous edge
Release the beast that longs to play
Let us lie in fields of green, in daisy lanes
rush panting hard through jungles deep
Submerse me in the raging seas of you in me
For just a moment of imagination
Let us be happy
Soaring as the hawks in flight,
diving with the dolphins.
Come be at peace with me & I will sleep
In your arms my missing heart will be forgotten
buried safe in your love.
Yes, take me, if only for the briefest moment
Take me, Love,
be mine
this frozen moment in time

I’d rather message you…
Instead I told my friend
about the decrease in red signage in this area.
I’d rather tell you…
instead I texted him
about the coffee shop eves-dropping
leading me to learn a bit of trivia
(fact-checking a statement overheard
I found it to be only half true).

I realized this morning
from a cordial text exchange
with a casual acquaintance
(Siri mixed his name up with my son’s so I apologized for the accidental call)
that his conversation was more engaged
than those with you.
I mourn that you, once counted close,
share less than my son’s classmate’s father.
I realized THIS
Is why I fear sending you these thoughts…
Perhaps it’s not really friendship you wish to hold?
but what is it you DO hope to retain?
Is it memory, possibility,
a thread of connection (never to be strengthened)?
All I know for certain—
this sinking disappointment
of friendship unrequited.

I wish you’d share
the heart-truths of you
as do the other friends I choose
to hold Close.

I love my body
and I want you to love it too.
Always I have been selective
Guarded…but you…
I want you to touch, caress, hold
and love my body
as I love & hold your mind & heart & soul
Forever
I’ve saved the heart of me
for only you

When I die
Let me be Queen for a day
Let me prepare for death as for a wedding
I don’t want to go Fading
& losing Life inch by inch along the day
until friends & family say
“Her mind is gone
visiting other worlds
mostly of miseries”
I don’t want to cry out in the night Scared
and scaring those
who in sleepless misery bathe my rice-paper skin out of love or duty
Let me not go a Burden
or burdened by pain, insanity, dementia
Let me say good-bye
Lucid and happy
A final farewell party
Before a final sleep of peace

I know I don’t have you
but I don’t want to lose you.

My heart compresses and aches
and shakes and breaks
at the mere thought of pain too great
for you to stake your love on me.
The gift I need would make you bleed.
Yet shattered I plead for a sign, a seed.
Might even the tiniest sliver of you be mine?
I’m sorry! So sorry! How I stab and slice
with each roll of the dice.
You can’t pay the price and I should think twice.
This hunger is strong, has gnawed decades long
but you are far gone.
My desire cut you, bled you out,
Destroyed each last sprout of hope I fear
Only my doubt is left to muck about
in this drought of you.

Still all I want to do
is mend, befriend, heal, renew
Converse, embrace & always love you.
My chest heaves with a sigh
for drops of your love I cry
to know more of you, still I try,
I treasure your deep diamond core
It’s you I’ve always adored
Unsatisfied, I want more.
Instead all I taste
Salty tears on my face
and a huge empty waste
where you self-erased.

I know I don’t have you
so why can’t I leave this place?
I don’t want to lose you
Still

For me
Home is you
I want to be your home, too
You are my person
You are my place

Constricted
Restricted
Predicted
I Sigh
Addicted
conflicted
Resisted
a cry
Erase
Need space
Retrace
Still try
but why?!
Convicted
Depicted
Existed
A lie?
another good-bye?

Unspoken.
No token.

once broken
twice shy

I’m a confused sort of angry
Since you left my heart to empty
abandoned in the shadow of your silence
Absence
Yet again confounds my sensibility

I’m a confused sort of angry
with myself
for still not hating you
So contrary, irrational
how I want to know your words
how I desire still to see your smile
how I care

I’m a confused sort of angry
some moments wanting to evaporate
some moments sinking like a rock
sometimes seeping everywhere
flood waters breaking dams
swirling into
a confused sort of…

I want to say it
with your name
spoken to You
Audibly
Softly
Such that you KNOW it’s true
true of EVERY version of you:
I LOVE YOU!
I love YOU, _.
I love Only you.

I want to know
the ENTIRETY
of who your are,
have been
and desire to become

Every revelation
of your history
your present
& your desired future
is a gift

I do not take trust lightly

Please believe,
I value
every smallest measured Piece of You
because
I
Love
You, _!

Always,
_

Every fragment
That is more than before
Is a treasure
I adore
Ah for more gold dust of you
to glimmer the floor
of my heart

What are the secrets
You promise yourself never
to reveal?
They are safe with me…
hmm, but would I be safe with them?
Perhaps that is the truer reason why
you hide the thoughts I wish you’d say.
Truthfully, I just miss you
in every way, every day…
I’d be your week of recovery
If only fates allowed…
Mmm, though we both know
I’d never be satisfied
With just a week
I still want a lifetime
even that would be too short a time
to know your touch
to touch your heart
to hold your heart in mine
to have all mine be yours
No, a week would never suffice
Still, it would be nice…
Famished here in this desert of nothing
I dream of an hour, or just mere minutes
in your presence.
I count my wealth in moments
spent immersed with you
(& your secrets)

The universe conspires against me
Proclaiming with each futile wish of mine
“NO, you fool! IT SHALL NOT BE!”
In your deep wound feel the brine

Laughingly it thwarts my every effort, every hope
Capricious deities strike thunder from their skies
Wrong connections, caged pretensions,
pain! I cannot cope

Power lost, appointment cancelled
Their bolts of lightning pummel down
He commands, he’ll determine where I fly
So I fall wingless to the ground

Then for a final blow I’m questioned
“Do I really know of love?”
Should his earthquake break my shackles
To a more fearful dungeon I’ll be shoved

I miss you so!
Your heart pulse fails to beat
on my spirit’s lonesome drum
Your breath no longer brushes my soul
with happy peaceful hues
Where did you go? & why?
My longing is lonely for your aura,
lonely for your loving care & desire.
Would you not hold me
in your heart and mind tonight?
I miss you
as always!

Even though you cannot be
My today or my tomorrow
My soon or maybe Someday
Even if an Alternate Reality for us
would hold a vastly different You & Me
You are still & always will be
my Somebody
Even if I can’t be truly yours,
YOU ARE MY PERSON
You forever rule my heart.

Once again, pragmatic droning of newscasters
juxtapose against the bomb Blasts
of another war Ringing around the world
in undulating ripples of potential risks.

As always, my thoughts Blast to you.

I, helpless to effect peace in the warring world,
will rather chime for you
soft ringing bells of loving wishes…
Wishful these, my caring thoughts,
could hold the power to assure that you
& all wrapped close inside your heart
would Remain safe,
that peace might e’er surround you
as a soft bed for your soul.
Through these bomb blasts
& their undulating ripples
of potential risks they would bring
I ring…
no, I Blast, my love & care to you…
Stay safe!

My heart would race
Flip-flop
Stop
If you
Walked through that door
As if I were a teen again

When I woke I thought of you,
Smiling; do you think of me, too,
Sunrise of my day?
As I packed their lunches
my mind perused your memory.
Driving kids to school I thought of you.
Explaining mortgages in simple words to a curious boy
I beamed again imagining you.
In a waiting room, later paying bills
Your story was my smile.
Hearing music, reading,
You joined me mentally,
repeatedly…

I hope you’re doing well.

When eating meals
images of you provided truer satisfaction.
Water drops cascading
Transported me back to your side.
I heard your calming voice in my waking dreams
I thought again and again of you.
How many times?
As many as the steps I walked today
As many as the breaths inhaled at night
That’s how many times You return.
That’s how many times I miss you
every day.

No fireworks without you, Star in my sky
Red lips wishing yours would draw nigh
White hot flame burns still with desire
To be lost in your blue eyes I’ll never tire
Striped shadows cast by bars unseen
No independence from this in-between
Wearing red white & blue, this 4th of July
While secretly wishing you’d reoccupy
realms of my body, king of my heart
this homeland beckons for you to impart
that freedom I felt so long ago
when you spoke softly what I still know,
I love you… & I love you too
I’ll remember you with my red, white and blue

I want to go back in time
I want you to be mine
& me to be only ever always yours
I want yours & mine to be ours
I want what cannot be
an alternate reality
as my now & my future
I want you to be in my life
More

I wanted just to briefly say
How much I thought of you today
I hope you sense my love and care
Throughout your day, as if I’m there.
Always in my heart
With Love,

Love of my Longing, I will be all that your passion seeks
I hear your siren song wafting through the clouds
(Falling with a startling shiver
as icy raindrops on my parted lips)
In wavelengths I alone can know
Your beckon binds me with the softest silken bow
My willing heart is tied to you.
Dash me on the edges of your body.
Plunge me in the sea, down into your darkest depths
until I taste the salt of you.
Capture me, snare me in your trap.
Let me be your hidden pearl, your secret vice.
Surely you must know, since long ago
ensnared by you I am.
Phantom of the cliffs along the shore…
I, offering willing, then, now, and forevermore,
answer your siren call
Yes!

I’ve long believed in keeping bridges,
Building them, maintaining them,
Rarely setting them aflame—
only the most detrimental structures
and even then with greatest care…
Yet of late it seems some pyromanic demon
Deep within my psyche has escaped
Wielding a fiery weapon haplessly
against these structures in my life.
Soon I fear all will burn
At my own demon hand
and I will tumble to the seething rapids
Far below
If so, I wonder:
Where will the waters carry me?
Who will survive?
Can I stop
setting fire to this bridge
on which I live?

Is it like having another child?
As parents age, it might be…
Yet different, too.

With each year we’re further formed
More hardened in our ways
85 years stiffens more than joints
and loss is painful
whether a father, spouse, (lover?)
or mobility & independence
The loss of oneself is hardest
85 years of grit & drive won’t be broken
by a couple of falls & fractures

Maybe Benjamin Button had it better
since babies & elders both need aid anyway
or was it dementia with a different name?
She fears that most—
the loss of mind & memory
I relate (memories are treasures)
I’d add cancer to the list—
long drawn out pain,
increasing dependence…and loss

Sometimes mercy is allowed…
but that’s my thoughts
how I might deal with cancer,
not her (Christian) way…
Ironic my pro-choice response
“your body, your life, your choice”
respects her “pro-life” (and suffering) perspective,
facilitating independence
as I live with the fear she’ll fall again
spend an hour crawling for help again
suffer long & lonely again

Yes, it’s like having another child
my own Benjamin Button born
I must prepare a room
and my mind

The tiniest flicker of…
Fluttering ember, a possibly maybe might be Hope
Sparked for a second within my tonight
Rapidly darkened by doubts and reason
So many maybe’s…variables won’t align
There’s not enough time
Hope smothered by darkness of
“Unlikely”
No tears I shed as my mind sped to
“Is mother losing her mental acuity?”
& questions of “What’s next?” preside
as sorrow hides beneath plans of what should be.
So what I wish would be again slides
to despair…
Even if I am, you won’t likely be there…
Anyway, what’s an hour to eternity?
an eternity of longing