sometimes I feel like my heart is too heavy for my friends.
and they'll share with me their worries, their mistakes and their regrets.
and all I can feel is a weight that pulls on my chest,
unsure of whether sincerity overrides a word of encouragement,
for their sorrowful and underdeveloped conscience.
would I be better off if I pretend,
do you think?
if instead of sinking softly into my own skin,
I laugh and complain and play the part of a woman?
sometimes I feel like I am a separate species.
a societal defect placed among faces of similar prose and behavior.
is it possible that my worth is immeasurable in this small town?
that in another environment, much more simple than this, like a vast plain filled with opportunity and potential for deliberateness, I could thrive off of the thoughts my own brain creates?
somewhere where I wouldn't relate to anyone anyways, but it wouldn't matter, because there wouldn't be anyone else around.
I work hard to avoid indulgence in senseless behaviors.
I once thought about carrying around a tape recorder throughout my day,
just to prove the meaninglessness of the conversations I am trapped into overhearing.
and maybe then I could finally find someone,
to understand these selfish urges that wash over me to abandon all the people I hold closest to me and start fresh.
I don't know where this longing for a partner comes from, as I have always been more on the introverted side, never taking seriously my disappointment when a friendship fails.
after all, I have myself to handle.
most days, my heavy conscience is enough to bear, and I treasure the fact that it is my burden.
a burden is a bit harsh, I admit. my conscience is like an animal, something to train and teach how to properly react to various stimuli.
the difficulty comes with my uncertainty in these areas,
as even I do not truly know what is best for me.
this world can be lonely,
disappointing and it leaves me confused.
sometimes I accept that only I will be able to fully decipher the scenarios and fleeting thoughts that run through my head.
and the loneliness slips by,
and I'll remember that I am my own species,
unable and unwilling to adhere to the desires of this small town and all of it's superficial faces,
because in the end, there is me, and there is only me.
and I will always be the only person who is really there for me.

the lies fly up like flames unchained
as the friends turn their heads
as they turn their disapproving faces

nothing but a one-side story
a collection of epiphanies drowned in irrational fears
you've got that tunnel vision
seeing my world through a brown paper tube

scolding with reckless abandon!

so strange yet so unfulfilled!

unleash all my darkness, the sides of me you cared not to find
somehow my vision has become hazy
somehow I have gone absolutely crazy
a stuffy nose and bloodshot eyes
how could they ever see through this disguise?

but understanding is a conscious effort
and judgement comes with ease

I have nothing to prove to you people,
living underground
still sneaking around
won't make a defensive sound
if that's how my life shall be.

all the friends fall
and bones wear thin from the drug
remember all you intended to be
and bury it deep in the mud
when the day drags long
and loved ones stop loving
remember all that was expected of you
and run the other way
for the sake of sanity, for the sake of respect

when the words don't come easy,
an effortless attempt to allow a creative mind to wander,
the minutes drag on, the flavor flies by,
all alone is the woman you wore to the bone

forget what you know, forget what you were trained to think that you want.
maybe running away is too much for you, maybe walking with me will be better.
instead of your crying, just laugh off the pain, see the world through a lens that dilutes all misfortunes.
because you'll never be the saddest.
you won't ever know what it's like to feel suffering.
you'll never be the most victimized,
so take your blessings and take your advantage, take the privilege they tell you you carry, take the good with the bad and the bad with the good because one day, alone, as you stare at the backyard, you'll wonder where your life went, where all your strength now lies.
the inevitable decay that we try so hard to ignore,
the fantasy of immortality,
hits hard like a hurricane when you don't come prepared.
so take all the hardships and the lovers and strain, lay them down or raise them up,
because life's a gift, so unwilling to be put to shame.

I can still feel your face in my hands.

From the night full of wonder, and laughter, and love
The cold wind brought you in
My warmth will guide you closer to me.

I can still see you blink in the light.

Green eyes that beckon me towards forever
For a house fit for a self-proclaimed king
A suitable life for your future wife, your girl

I can still hear your breath in my ear,
Feel your hands in my hair,
The temporality of the night beats at my heart
Don't run from obsessive emotion

stillness in dark, floor cold to the touch
a ceremony of sadness.

bones thin, wither, wear
where she used to call home,
a murderous affair.

her reflection impure, burn a hole in the wall

in her blood-stained white gown
she suffers, she bleeds
under her permanent crown.

I haven't felt a feeling too long
I often don't love too hard
a protective system put in place for a self-destruct personality
unravel my intuitions until they're laid to rest
rest on me, breathe on me
place your hands on me, it won't be for long

a man's gentle endeavors
to handle a fragile little lady

home is changing, a home without walls
the clock's ticking with no time left at all
there's an infinite life, an infinite time
for us to conform to each other's resiliency

an intimate friend too old to call lover
too dangerous to feel any bit safe
but tonight, as I live out my ambitions, with you in the back seat of the car I just stole, we'll drive and we'll run . . .
to another lonely town full of poisonous fun
go-kart catalysts and vulnerability
with freedom galore
and a lightning-shock sun

...

they can keep me away, but they can't keep me far

pulling the most extremist parts of me
to the surface for personal use
I'll shake, I'll force a frown
but being under this control
tends to take a toll
on all the worst ideas I hold dear
I'm sick of this factory after 17 years

get high with me, you can boast
about how experienced you are when compared
to a little Catholic girl like me.

**** all the poems about feelings
waste away in your own delusion
and get into fights for the thrill of it.

and if by some strange blessing
your cigarette is too stubborn to light
toss that ***** aside, and slip
through the brilliance of jungle rainbows
and sleep in the hollows

presented through a dream.

he lets her win every fight
with a smile like bribery
she knows she's unsafe
he seems to think so
they're hopeless,
they know they will
end up laying it all on the table someday
walk away, if she wants to be free

each secret like a surgery
each one cuts a little deeper
each one raises uncertainty
but he knows they'll come out the other side
they'll be stronger than they were
becoming vulnerable to her
unveil the darkest side of each other
and she'll fall a little deeper
for each small discovery
pulls her closer to you

and if you begin
to hold me each day
God bless your delusional self
I couldn't bear another way
this game that we're playing
seems more like a sin
undeniably bitter when they're
watching us play
I'm not selfish, just confident
in the wavering certainty
and someday we'll come clean
confess every lie
unless time slips away, and this
connection starts to die
no one ever suspected
no one had a clue
and now they'll never hear
the sweet story of me and you.

someday we will be able to uncover all the hopeless needs of our deeper selves, as one... together, we fall into a sea of curiosity. I don't know for sure what lies underneath, but as long as our hands are intertwined and thoughts aligned, I'll trust. we're living a double life, as innocent and sacred behavior masks the reprehensible scandals. but as long as we stay, keep secrets far away, take this one day by day, together we will pray we can last as long as time.

let me feel
such a troublesome devotion

live a life so pure
no need for regrets
when I am with you

if you love it let it go,
if it returns it is real,
but as does a virus
or an insect in the walls.
to discern a lover from pests
or physical attraction from emotional sincerity
happiness from fulfillment . . .
drawing me back, every time, to you
caught in a trap,
a bitter taste for every confession;
painful admissions breaking their way through gripped teeth,
and since, in the past, you've destroyed all my standards
obliterated sensations of sanity
if you knock at my door,
you know I'll hand you the key
allowing you to enter
despite how poisonous you may be.

you've stained me like a burn
a sizzling cyst that persists
tainted my perception through gore, imagine
twirling eternity between *******
oh love, how you've lost
and abandoned assuming good sides of me
a scratch unexpected
I never could have guessed it
don't speak, I am only a ghost
altered visuals because of your preference
don't push me, I'm high on the ground
through stammers and handshakes
I'd lose in the end
but honey, worry not for your misaligned friend
in a way, I'd have liked you to stay
so I could disappoint you everyday
that look locked on your face
it's fatal, humiliate
bring divinity into a life so uncommon
and tossed for the sake of desire.

sweet caressing baby, so gently we arrive
like a doll your steps all align
freedom comes with age but us, dear... my rage...
binds me to this haunted home
no knowledge and no hopes to confront
an alibi, but too common to take names
disbelief riddles my head and tangles my tongue
burning spark that is growing inside
I upheld you from the beginning of our time
now sleep, and wake not
for the day is lonely as I am alone
instinct takes over and
makes a warm heart cold

the breath that transports you to places of amusement
a slim figure, with hooded eyes that seek
lying to me through his teeth, showing affection

an easy way to confuse
someone who leaves you feeling used
maybe I initiate for the sake of lost time
and the moments I'll cease to remember

I'd trade my world for another catch
of your eyes already on mine
reluctant but simultaneously obsessed with us
the more I study, the more is forgotten
the more I see you, the more the earth pushes

deadweight happiness under a sheath of promises
travel back, taste the magic of reality
that stings your tongue, symmetric with my ballad
sing softly, don't refuse

color shifting galaxy, and I'm ever confused
going against the grain to prove
my mind can withstand the strain
trying new things while trusting this driver
awaited! too crowded for me!
feeling obnoxious and greedy and stuck . . .
but that's not what they tell me

they say I'm in love
that I overflow with passion
the little love bugs that dance around inside
but how can that be, when I can't feel my feet?
when my legs underneath
don't align with my mind?
and the sound of my voice comes from three levels deep?
I'll tag along one more selfish time
they're on to me - gonna figure me out
and all along I've stayed hidden

stung, yet sprinkled, with crystalized particles
embarrassed to look up from my lap
a silent snicker, a squeeze of the knee
willingly sacrificing composure for adventure
run away with the secret!
hide it somewhere good!
lie to them, seek a personal advantage
pathetic and malicious
but abruptly amusing anyways
during the year final to this experience
to have this welcoming security
and excitement mistaken for anxiety
I cannot express my gratitude
I cannot explain how lucky I am

falling, I can feel it . . .
building up in a delayed type of motion

like a house filling slowly with strong gasoline
watch yourself, when you finger the flame
and the place is ablaze in seconds

awaiting the tipping point in uneasy distress
to push me over the edge, just barely
and experience a crash landing like never before

I'm a senseless fool for you,
not because of what I do, or have done, or will
but you, revealing all these forgotten truths
to uncover things I never knew I wanted

like involuntarily pressing on the gas pedal
and your foot won't seem to let up
a dynamic weight that is out of control
dancing down a dicey avenue

sooner or later I know you will say
something to cause a change in the way
I view myself, a delegation by the highest power

. . . seep lento, my dearest friend . . .

your discouragement has brought you to me
while I'm lying asleep in confusion
. . . euphoria,
enveloped by rash dissonance and heavy heartbeats

it's senseless! irrational!
and I labored so willingly to avoid this fate!
escape, I can't, not now, you see . . .
you're too attached, you know too much
fall into me . . .

the timely contraption calls in beckoning fashion
it ticks in a mimicking manner as if to laugh
at the sudden second thought and malevolent misfortune
of finding true love in a small bathroom stall

oh well, I am unable to dwell
hoping to progress with as little tenderness as needed
have a nice day! positive thoughts!
all up until you are mine and beyond
we'll fall freely

I've never written while drunk before
A hot tub night while awaiting a text
can't text, it's hopeless
mistakes thumping through the mind game
and I'm simply alone in my head

alone and confused
I'm not yet amused

believe me, the day is long
and my feet are tired
I miss you but can't say so
I'm tired but can't sleep though
stay with me for the long haul
I'll overlook the agonies
to foresee the lovable future
You

a bad night, good girl

with missed opportunities and a realm of mistake

travel to the past that disappointed her once before

high and lacking information

as the world moves

. . . slowly . . .

praying for an end to a night so short

leave her! don't speak!

a song to distract and a drink to recover

a breath of fresh air and a car to take cover

she's never felt alone like this

always surrounded by a welcoming world

a decision took three seconds

to discredit a lifetime of virtue

she wants to come down

but the moon promises a fun time

useless vows and thoughts disregarded

help her, she's sinking . . .

a car seat to catch her and jolting her back

tremble, shiver, she needs a new way

to stay true to herself

in the midst of decay.