When I was younger I read Aesop's fables.
In it is a story about a father, son, and donkey.
The father and son try to please everyone they come across.
They end up falling off the bridge, and killing the donkey.
The moral is that you shouldn't try to please everyone.

I don't try to please everyone.
There are certain people I try very hard not to please.

But I do try to please some people.
And I rely on those people's opinions very much.
If I don't please them.
I don't please myself.

The problem is I sometimes pick the worst people.
....Like whoever I have a crush on at the moment.

And I hate it.
I hate that I need certain peoples' approval
For me to approve of myself.
Nevertheless, it still happens.

I think I am afraid of being in a relationship.
I think I do like people I can't have on purpose.
Even if it's subconsciously.

I'm afraid of being hurt.
The people I like, I like a lot.
I am very attached to my friends.
And if I were to be in a serious relationship.
I would fall in love.
And that gives so much power to the person.

The thing about me is I like having control.
And love is basically the opposite.
I won't be able to control what I feel.
We'll control each other.

I think I'm afraid to be in love.
So I like people I can't get to close to.


Or maybe it's not really that deep.
Maybe guys I like are in relationships
Because their girlfriends like them for the same reasons.
Maybe I like older guys
Because they are intelligent and they know who they are.
Maybe I like people I can't have
Because of the reason I can't have them.

You mean a lot of things to a lot of different people.
To me you're my best friend.
You're the person who knows me better than I do.
You're the person who does random tests on me without me knowing.
You're the person who I actually like.
You're the person I don't feel insecure around.
You're the person who loves all of me.
(all my curves and imperfections.)
You're my bae.

Not in an ironic way.
I do put you before anyone else.

I would be a completely different person without you.
I probably wouldn't even like that person.
I wouldn't say, "**** son" when things were deep.
I wouldn't wear flats.
I wouldn't purse my lips and raise my eyebrows when someone said something stupid.
I wouldn't be as nice to new people.
I wouldn't be a swimmer.
And I wouldn't have you as a best friend,
One of the most integral parts of my identity.

I'm so glad we colored together when our brothers were cub scouts.
Happy Birthday Bella