When did I stop trying to save myself

Sometimes I think about the last time I saw you alive and almost told you I loved you. But when I almost said it and you looked at me and said "what is it, babe?" I lost my nerve and squeezed your hand tighter and said "you have beautiful eyes." Instead, and I just stared at you and hoped to convey what I couldn't say. But real life is not a romance novel, "you have beautiful eyes" was not heard as the "I love you" that it was, and even if you had heard it, I guess it wasn't enough, because you killed yourself anyways.

i woke up with a smile
my first word was a laugh
i don't deserve that

6 people in my family and i'm the only one who likes to make them mad
this is the first day i haven't woken up sad
i don't deserve to smile
i deserve to cry
all my life i've been living a lie
and i can't change even if i tried
i'd probably make things worse if i tried

you have eyes
you have a sight
but you didn't see

you have a mouth
you have a voice
but you didn't speak

you have ears
you could hear
but you didn't understand

you have a head
you have a brain
but you didn't think

you have a heart
you could feel
but you didn't let it beat
not even a little bit, not even at all




(samber)

Your like fire
Everytime I think of you it sends a spark through me
But not enough to restore my pulse
And give me body heat

As I search through the empty place, I like to call my mind I wonder
where are you the child who could always smiled no matter how many times they called her a mistake
where are you the girl who had dreams, and has someone she wanted to share them with
where are you the heroe who could stare at the stars and forget the dark
where are you the leader that I use to be
where are you because your no longer with me

I can't write...
     I have a stash of twenty drafts, bearing a couple of lines each
I can't crack...
     Every draft seem to have developed a shell I can't breach
I can't gather...
     My thoughts so I could nurture these drafts to fruition
I can't think...
     The clatter in my head meant only to deafen
I can't fathom...
     What went right from what had gone completely awry
I can't find...
     Much needed sanity to let soar and fly
I can't cry...
     The tears I've beckoned for so very badly
I can't scream...
     Only muffled gurgles of notions drowned at sea
I can't see...
     The bigger picture...that consumed us both
I can't hear...
     Except for the dreaded voice of reason that I loathe
I can't piece...
     Together one decent little write

I can't breathe...
     I can't breathe...*I'm losing this fight