Suicidal Thoughts
by Shani Jonas

I paint a pretty picture
on the base of my wrist
with my razor and some red liquid
and my hand clenched into a fist

I do one stroke for everything thing I hate
everything that gets me down
I do a stroke for everything that turns my ugly smile
into an even uglier frown

I do one stroke for promises
that are very often broken
There is one stroke for love not returned
When someone throws away your kind token

another stroke goes on my wrist
for all the unfairness in this time
things go good for a second
and go bad for months at a time

A stroke for all the people I can’t stand
a stroke for all the harm done
a stroke for all stupidity in the world
a stroke for all the guns

that **** all those innocent people
I use this razor to show the things that I hide inside
one more stroke and I’m dead...
*A stroke for committing suicid--

I stare at the crowd
rapid breath intakes
sweaty palms
I can't do this

I look back at her
telling her I can't do it
don't overreact
she says

my heartbeat is deafening
faster
faster
as if it wants to escape

I can do this
I think
but i know I can't

I'll fail
fail
f a i l

I feel nauseous
why am i so stupid
all I have to do is go there
just walk
**** it
why am i afraid?

I can do this,
I convince myself again
but my heart and sweaty palms
told me otherwise  

I look back to her again
with my pleading eyes
on the verge of crying

it's so simple
how can you fail,
everyone else can do it
she says

simple for her,
but I am not her
nor everyone else

why are you forcing me?

i bite my lip,
so hard that it's bleeding

I stammer
but- I - can't-do- it

why can't you understand?

I was afraid I would lose you.                                                    And then I did