The dragonfly pauses in the middle of an April rain to listen to the girl who cries.
The girl who cries looks at the dragonfly and wonders what it means to pause in the middle of an April rain.
The dragonfly finds it's meaning looking at the girl who cries.
The girl who cries finds the meaning of the dragonfly.
To pause is to reflect.
To pause is to be honest.
To pause is to stop and rest.
The girl who cries will not stop crying.
The dragonfly will stop.

Maybe it's the music I listen to
Or maybe it's the weather
But one thing that I know for sure
Is that is isn't getting any better

Maybe it's the way we parted
I chased a shadow and you ran like hell
But one thing that I know for sure
Is that I am not feeling well

Maybe it's the fight I had
My best friend's silent resentment, driven insane
But thing I know for sure
Is that this is much more than pain

You chunk
You little cheese
I've know you less than 3
Months
And yet I love you
You know me
You smile when I walk in
And we start talking
You're covered in drool
And I love you

Barcode trees and sticky leaves
Blue skies like your candy eyes mountainous vertebrae
Spine of the earth
Finally giving birth
To the sea

The earths wet open mouth
Spindly coral teeth
Immortal lunch
Swimming about
And then crunch

Rainbows slap the table like rain
Chocolate and navy snakes and streams down my neck
Laughter echoes - dripping in drops down the rocks
Glancing at me
Again and again
Eyes flash like wishing wells
Wet smiles sliding over your teeth
Coral pink lips - dripping teeth in white
Wink after wink
Clouds passing over the water
Drowning
I'm drowning
And I've never wanted to drown so much before

I'm losing my voice
But I'm never losing you
Even though I've finally realized
Dying's all we'll ever do
If it's 40 years from now
And God sends you off to sleep
I'll wait patiently until then
To lay down next to you and weep

Around every corner, they lurk
They jab their fingers in my sides
"I knew it was you, I knew it was you"
"You're an idiot"
"I'm ashamed of you"
"You will never be that clever"
My bruises have bruises
And my cuts have been cut
They lurk around every corner
Inside every rut
"You're stupid"
"Too young"
and
"You haven't much sense"
Though it will be forgotten
Less than a year hence

Are you okay? He says to me
His eyes as green as emeralds
I am okay, I say to him
His words would slowly echo
You're sure you're fine?
He asks again
I wish he'd smile
He doesn't
Yes, I'm sure
I say again
But now I wish I wasn't

Anxiety makes familiar faces unfamiliar. My stomach aches in church. The monster in my head turns my loved ones into monsters also. No safety net, only cement. My pastor talks of Paul escaping Damascus, being lowered down a wall in a basket. I feel that sick swaying and tense fear. I am held in sleep but must keep moving. I am kept awake but feel sleep like a strait jacket. Save me God. My life is only nothing without You.

I wish you were here to ease the tension in my stomach
And kiss away my headache
But every word you say to me is as sweet as potatoes and molasses
And just by looking at a picture of you -
I feel all else evaporate
And I know
It never has to come back

In a tornado of flags and smudged faces
You carry a white rifle
It twists and slithers around your neck
Your torso
Your legs
Swift as a snake
You're a blur of grey and black
Barefoot and pale as dawn
As papery and long as a willow tree
Spinning and twirling
Graceful and strong
You dance amongst the women
But you're stronger than most men
Then in unision
You all fall in a heap on the floor
Legs twisted in your flags
Completley still
They eye of the storm has never been more beautiful

I know you're looking at me
I pray the sun is in your eyes

A face for the morning
A face for sleep
A face to borrow
A face to keep
A face for the sky
A face for the sea
A face for alone
A face for me

C     a     n     y     o     u     s     e     e     m     e     f
                                                               ­                     a
                                          ­                                               l
                                                               ­                              l
                                                                ­                                 i
                                                               ­                                       n
                        ­                                                                 ­                  g
                                                               ­                                                  ?
Can you hear me  CALLING?


Can              
                           ­                you
                                                                ­               see
                                                             ­                                         anything
               ­                                                                 ­ at
                                           all?
Just                                   find
                                                            ­                   your
                                                            ­                                              seat

             ­                                                                 ­ and
                                         watch

me f
          
             a
              
                      l

                               l

I don't want to be your fantasy
I don't want to be your queen
I'm tired of feeling desired
I'm tired of being seen

I'm embarrassed
But that's okay, right?
I'm broken
But it's okay
I'm angry
But that's okay, right?

Yes you are
But that's okay.

You will not just be living
But you will live
In our Father
Our daughter
And I
Will kiss you twice for every pill you have to swallow
And kiss you infinitely
When there's no more left
And I will kiss each aching bone
And I will kiss each straining muscle and
Dying nerve
And we will pray and pray
And she will say
"Daddy, you'll be okay"
And I will kiss you
And you'll know

You fickle *****
You try too hard
You bite too hard
You sigh too much
You try too much
You're fast to love
And fight the fall
With all the bruises on my skin
I wonder why I try to fight at all

My Father said it would be hard
My Mother said have fun
But what  they didn't think to tell me
Was that battles weren't always won
My Sister couldn't really care
Now that she found her love
She held his hand and fell asleep
Face pointed to the up above
My Father said he'd **** them all
My Mother said be still
But I didn't think to expect
There would be nothing left to ****
Friends would tell me stories
Of all the fights they won
And I couldn't help but wonder
If my fight was already done

It's calming
Actually
To know that someone gets him
When I didn't
It's calming
Actually
To discover that his heart can be broken
Just like mine
It's calming
Actually
To realize that I knew he always loved her
When he didn't love me
It's calming
Still
To find out he loves someone else
Even though all I wanted him to want
*Was me

The salty scent of empty arms laughs
Laughs
Whipping my hair through the brine
Fingers dancing
Raw from the tide
Taste on my tongue
Enchanting
Romancing me
Shines with moonlight
Hides with it
Digging in the sand
Gritty between my teeth and knees
Broken glass
Slipping from my grasp
Blood coursing from my veins
How quiet can my footsteps be?
Walking toward the waves
Lifting and falling
Laughing at me
Eyes twist away
Blinking rapidly
Too bright
Too bright
Surging
Burning like a wildfire
Bleeding through my skin
Sobs drowned beneath the wind
They cannot hear me now
No time to say goodbye
Just regret
All regret for me
Things I shouldn't have said
Away they fly
Cannot say goodbye.
The water laps
Cools my skin
Embracing me
Inviting me
For years it called
I stalled each time
My hot skin drenched with perspiration
Tears and resignation
Come
Come
Drink from me
I will cleanse you
I will hold you
You will not feel alone any longer
Like a lions roar I stand
Tall and beaten
In the sand
Toes curled
Grains scratch my skin
Though I cannot feel it now
Breathing salty loneliness
Through my nose
I take that first step
Foot pointed
Until it aches
The time has come
The Beast awakes
Diving in
Breathing deep
The water coursing through
Reminding me of you
And burning deeper,
Hotter than
The hottest ray of sun
That ever burned whatever Man
Who stood here crying in the sand
Salt leaking in my lips
Drying the cracks
Twisting my hips
My chest caves in
The blood flows out
The stones are banging on my skin
My arms
They flail
My eyes wide open
Burning like white flame
You're omnipresent
I cannot run away
So  the last drop of empty arms
Grabs hold of me
Hair floating  in graceful patterns
My neck stretched under alabaster moonlight
And with that dreaded final thought
I descend into the depths of
Briny hate and salty steps
But with a new man on my side
The one who reaches with the tide

The salty smell of empty arms laughs, laughs
Whipping my hair through the brine
Fingers dancing, raw from the tide
Taste on my tounge, enchanting, romancing me
Shines with moonlight, hides with it
Digging in the sand, gritty between my teeth and knees
Broken glass, slipping from my grasp, blood coursing from my veins
How quiet can my footsteps be?
Walking toward the waves
Lifting, and falling, laughing at me
Eyes twist away, blinking rapidly
Too bright, too bright
Surging, burning, like a wildfire
Bleeding through my skin
Sobs drowned beneath the wind
They cannot hear me now
No time to say goodbye
Just regrets, all regrets for me
Shouldn't have said, away they fly
Cannot say goodbye.
The water laps, cools my skin, embracing me, inviting me
From birth it called, I stalled each time
My hot skin drenced with persperation
Tears and resignation
Cometh, Cometh
Drink from me
I will heal you
I will love you
You will not feel alone any longer
Like a lions roar I stand
Tall and beaten, in the sand
Toes curled, grains scratch skin
Though I can't feel it now
Breathing salty lonliness
Through my nose
I take that first step, foot pointed
Till it aches
The time has come, the Beast awakes
Diving in, and breathing fast
The water coursing through
Reminding me of you
And burning deeper hotter than
The hottest ray of sun
That ever burned whatever Man
Who stood here crying in the sand
Salt leaking in my lips
Drying the cracks
Turning my hips
My chest heaves in
The blood comes out
The stones are banging on my skin
My arms they flail
My eyes wide open
Burning like white flames
Beneath the sun
You're omnipresent
Can't run away
Last drop of empty arms
Grabs hold of me
Hair floating graceful patterns
Neck stretched, alabaster moonlight
And with that dreaded final thought
I desend into the depths of
Briny hate and salty steps
But with a new man on my side
The one who reaches with the tide

There's a fire in my heart
And my fingers are shaking
And the ground is quaking
And I can't hold on
There's a fire in my heart
And my face has turned red
And I wish I were dead
And I just can't hold on

I'm on fire
I'm on fire
Darling, put down the matches
Please God, put down the matches
Because I cannot survive

I fixed your tie today
Today you wore a tie
I placed my hand upon your knee
And tried hard not to cry
We made promises to promise
And I thanked God that you can walk
We drank smoothies in the parking lot
And talked
And talked

All I can say is
Please, Daddy
I'm nearly old enough
To know
You must know that this
Would make me very happy
So please Daddy
Let me go
Mommy's known him most his life
She knows that he would do me well
And I can tell
That it will show
So please Daddy
Let me go
It's just one night
One hockey game
It doesn't mean that nothing will ever be the same


Now that, I think you know
So please Daddy
**Let me go

Don't tell me there are plenty of fish in the sea
When the silvery, slimy things hang from coral reefs
And are stuck in frayed netting
Not yet frayed to the point of breaking
When they drown in oil and choke on garbage
Scaly flesh peirced by razor blade teeth
Captured and smothered
And beaten and gutted
Frozen and thawed and chopped
Stewed and grilled and covered in salt and sauce
Tossed and sliced and torn and diced
Delivered to my table in a trice
Don't tell me that there are plenty of fish in the sea
Because one of those fish could be me

"I don't look like Snooki, do I?" I asked her, grimacing.
"Of course not! You look hot!" She gleamed with pride. This monstrosity on my head was her doing.
My frown deepened and I stared at my red face in the mirror.
"Beileve me, he's gonna love it."
I forced a smile and asked her to go grab me my purse. As soon as she whipped around the corner, I shut the door and wiped off the eyeliner and lipstick slathered on my face. I zipped up the front of my "zip-all-the-way-down-" shirt that she had lent me, just in time for her to open the door.
She smiled at me again. She didn't notice the difference.
I grabbed my purse from her hand and slung it over my shoulder. My Mom called from the stairway
"Girls! It's time to go!"

She beamed at me again and we ran down the hallway, my left hand placed strategically placed on top of my head ****, as to keep it from sliding right off. My Mom threw us a look; we were already late. I ignored her and bounded down the stairs and out the front door.

Straight into the world of love, abandonment and heartbreak. The world that brought me here. Writing a short anecdote about it, with my hair poofed, makeup slathered, ready to go meet another "him."
I hope he likes it.

Anxiety is - waiting for the car to pull up, stomach eating itself away. Every minute needs a blueprint and you twist into one big knot trying to write them all.

The fog was so thick
It was as if the birds
were                                                weaving
     ­     
          cotton
                                          ­                                           between

                                            the
                ­                                                                 ­                             

                                  ­                                                                 ­                          trees

God -
I give you my misery.
I produce and sacrifice for you.
I pray that you return my misery -
With truth.
In my foodlessness, I will listen.

Peacock hues adorn your hair
And curl around the candle flare
Your eyes are emeralds ringed with gold
With fingers wrapped in paper folds
Running through a taller forest
Singing with a choir of blue
The only way that I can walk
Is through a taller forest with you

Temporary, yes.
But also forever.
Forever voices in my head.
Forever arguments.

Temporary relief, yes.
But never forever.

I hate you when you warn me
Even though you think it's right
You're only trying to woo me
You only see your sight
You say that he feels nothing
Yet you won't tell me why
I'd like to be alone now
I thought I'd said goodbye
You know, this is my heartbreak
And I will feel it when it's here
Your heartbreak ages day to day
Let me feel my fear
If you can't prove I'm failing
Stop talking of my heart
I never felt the things you asked me
Lied to you from the start
If you cannot forget me
Then it's time for you to go
You say he doesn't care for me
The truth is
**I know

I came to a fork in the road.
I stared at it for a long time.
It stared back, daunting.
Unmoving.
I picked it up and snapped it over my knee.

I decided to not decide.
I used the fork to eat my lunch.
Sitting there -
at a fork in the road.
I ate. And slept.
Refusal.

I refuse to cooperate.

Anxiety is getting quieter, but it's not gone. I feel it in my periphery, knocking and scratching. My walls are a little stronger today, and a little stronger everyday. But there's always that unwelcome guest tapping on my door. I hear it whispering through the boards, little lies I don't quite believe but I can't quite ignore. Each day is a fight.

Depression is a little louder today. Not quite loud enough to leak but it falls like rain on my roof. My roof is a little stronger today, and a little stronger everyday. But the rain still falls heavy and cold. When I find a leak, I patch it. Trusting the patches hold longer than I do. The rain makes me feel heavy and cold. Each day is a fight.

I saw you there
in your grey shirt
with your old friends
and your brown hair
and your white smile
You are still perfect

I saw you there
and wished to scream
I nugded my friend
a bit too hard
She jumped and looked
to where I pointed
and stifled her own

We saw you there
You looked so happy
so tall, so dapper
a myth, a legend
an alien, a fairytale
that haunts me still

I saw you there
You didn't see me

How can someone so warm be so pale?
How can someone so tall be so frail?
Is this frailty I see?
Or are you a mirror, and I'm seeing me?

Swirling patterns of freckles
Across the bridge of your nose
Along the curve of your chin
Above the heart that nobody knows
Will I know it?
Will I touch your freckled skin?
Is it the place that nobody goes?
Are you also afraid of sin?
It's eating me away
And I'm afraid I can't stay
But I'll say
I guess I wouldn't have it any other way
Constellations on your cheeks
And your whole body reeks
Of alone

I have a friend named Forgiveness
Who doesn't feel forgiven
I have a freind named Almighty
Who's never felt more weak
I have a friend named Loyalty
Who doesn't seem to trust me
I have a friend named Flighty
Who doesn't lift her feet

There's a girl in a green jacket
Who has nothing left but lies
There's another with a sweater
And a skirt a bit too high
There's a boy who likes the Seahawks
But I don't think he can read
There's a girl who wears tight flannel
And doesn't know how to plant a seed
Another one who pins her hair up
We used to be best friends
And a boy who wants to be someone
And is facing a dead end
A boy who everyone finds funny
I heard he ***** a girl last year
And a girl who acts "protective"
But just really wants to fight
In all this Teenage "Revolution"
There's just a pair of sparkly jeans
I'm the girl in the black hoodie
Who they think is mean

After years of being nulled to stone
Blood run dry and flesh gone cold
My words can make me feel so old
But my wounds are always fresh

Silver veins in the silver city
Running like blood through the fainting grass
The cold pierces the flesh into the bone like a needle -
Delivering medicine promised to save but more likely to sicken

You think
Girls
Give you
Power

You think
They
Let you
Down

Make up
Your
Mind and
Realize

She will
Never
Mess
Around

Anxiety is - constant throbbing disdain for everyone around you, and the inability to explain what's wrong.

"It's late" he whispered.
"I know, I know."
"I'm tired" he murmered.
"Then go, then go."
"I can't" he chuckled.
"Why not, why not?"
He was silent.
"Because you're hot."

Who decided to rhyme grip with slip?
The harder I grip
The more things slip through my hands
I'm gripping
Things slipping
Which is which?
Sometimes, I can't even tell
I'm gripping school
And yet my grades are slipping
I'm gripping money
And yet it slips like pennies through my fingers
I'm gripping God
And yet He I feel the cloth of his robe slipping away
I'm gripping Life
And yet I often feel like Dying
Not unhappy
I'm not crying
Just confused, annoyed
Because everything I'm gripping
Knuckles white
Running till I'm tripping
Is slipping away

She smiles at the dark
She laughs at the shadows
She stares at the emptiness
She sings for the hollow
And you think her crazy
She thinks you blind

She talks to nothing
She cries out to the nothing
She holds her hands out to the nothing
She loves the nothing
And you think her crazy
She thinks you lack passion

She reads sensless text
She says sensless things
She beileves sensless things
She writes about sensless things
And you think her crazy
She thinks you lack faith

She dances with the masses
She sings with the masses
She cries with the masses
She prays with the masses
And you think her crazy
She thinks you alone

Tomorrow you'll be 18
I won't have seen you in 9 years
You were my best friend when I still liked Barbie - and now I'm afraid you're a stranger
I was 7
You were 9
He was 11
And we were ******* Jedis
Monkeys on the monkey bars in your backyard
Frozen yogurt
And your fat little pug
Zoo Tycoon and Lego
I was 7
You were 9
And he was 11
My best friends
My brothers
And then you moved away

2378 ******* miles

And now I'm 16
You're 18
And he's 20

Come home soon buddy

God, what a gift
That you have given me
From my legs
To my tent
To the honey golden sea
It's badly written
Yet beautifully said
And I'd like to be remembered
Even if its when I'm dead
Oh God, what a gift
That you have given me
A boy to love with all my heart
The one who's known me from the start
Who watched me move from far apart
The boy I love with all my heart
Dear God, such a gift
That you have given me
Something I'm afraid to keep
Because it keeps me from my sleep
And it will not stay this way forever
Under your guidance
It will be only better
My God, what a gift
That I am scared to take
He makes my fingers shake
And I know I'll grow to hate it
But as long as he's there for me
My love can't be debated