Last night was all pen ink
And faded playing cards
You squeezed my shaking fingers
All it was, was time apart

The next morning was all waiting
Not knowing if you were there
You walked in when I was reading
I just sat, and let you stare

"I don't look like Snooki, do I?" I asked her, grimacing.
"Of course not! You look hot!" She gleamed with pride. This monstrosity on my head was her doing.
My frown deepened and I stared at my red face in the mirror.
"Beileve me, he's gonna love it."
I forced a smile and asked her to go grab me my purse. As soon as she whipped around the corner, I shut the door and wiped off the eyeliner and lipstick slathered on my face. I zipped up the front of my "zip-all-the-way-down-" shirt that she had lent me, just in time for her to open the door.
She smiled at me again. She didn't notice the difference.
I grabbed my purse from her hand and slung it over my shoulder. My Mom called from the stairway
"Girls! It's time to go!"

She beamed at me again and we ran down the hallway, my left hand placed strategically placed on top of my head ****, as to keep it from sliding right off. My Mom threw us a look; we were already late. I ignored her and bounded down the stairs and out the front door.

Straight into the world of love, abandonment and heartbreak. The world that brought me here. Writing a short anecdote about it, with my hair poofed, makeup slathered, ready to go meet another "him."
I hope he likes it.

We hold hands in church service
My back - board straight
A tree with gnarled roots
White knuckled focus
Your shoulders slumped
An old stone with weathered features
A fog of sleep clouds your face
And your fingers are limp in mine
When the band plays -
White knuckled focus
The tendons in your hand supple -
Out-standing
You tap imaginary chord patterns on the back of my hand
The muscles of your fingers being plucked like piano strings
Chord after chord
And I relax my shoulders
And become an old stone with you

You glanced at me with wonder, curiosity
There was a look in your eyes that I've seen a few times in others
When they've looked at me
I saw a gleam in your eyes that proved my prayers weren't wasted
At least not yet
But it could have been only the fluorescents

The bronze of a ringed finger
And the gold of God's heart
The silver of Poseidon's eyes
And the red of torn apart
It was made in the cave of a mountain
Foraged from the heart of star
The angels were playing a game
And I suppose they could throw them quite far
An Irishman found the celestial rock
And took home to give to his wife
But on the way o'er the moor he tripped with the star
And fell on a stone like a knife
The star slipped from his grasp and rolled away
Exactly where no man is quite sure
But a hundered and sixty two years after that
It was found by a woman quite pure
She loved how it twinkled and glittered and shined
But her young daughter loved it and whined and whined
So one day the woman, though still pure of heart
Took her young daughter and tore her apart
Arrested and biter the woman was taken
The star underneath her pillow lay shaken
The poor little thing had lost quite a sweet home
Then the poor thing heard a long, lonely drone
Something was coming, something quite frightening
So the little thing rolled away kicking and biting
But stars, the poor things, are quite without eyes
So the star rolled off a cliff, sure of its grim demise
But then it was held softly, by something quite bland
It had been caught, been caught by a hand
The hand took it in to meet its homely face
The face belonged to a young girl of eight
She smiled at the lump of celestial rock
And ran home to the mountain, with only one sock
She gave it to her mother, who worked with polished metal
She cut the rock in half and carved one half into a petal
The other she saved for something quite new
First she took her stone axe and cut down a tall yew
She fastened a clock out of metal and zest
And she shoved the clock right into her young sons chest
It sputtered and spit until his eyes opened wide
And suddenly he stood up and right out he cried
Mother, a new heart, how am I to thank you?
She smiled, took his hand, and wiped tears for her eyes blue
He nodded and began straight to pack up his bags
He piled it on his back and his shoulders did sag
He kissed his mother and sister and began his long trek
Towards the black vast beyond
Toward the world, towards the wreck
He walked for six weeks before he came on a village
He was a kind boy, he had no thought to pillage
He called out quiet loud for everyone's ears
Hello! The boy with the clockwork heart is here!
No one came out, save a beautiful young girl
She looked at him quietly, and she made his head whirl
She asked him if she could feel his heart at work
He nodded and she placed her hand with a smirk
She gasped and she shuddered, her eyes like warm butter
Then she laughed and he let out a chuckle
He kissed her warm lips with his hands on her hips
But then suddenly something made his knees buckle
What's wrong? The girl asked him, a frown on her face
Still with hair soft like wings of a dove
He smiled sadly and laughed again, holding her hands
Dear it's silly, but the clockwork boy has finally found love

A knight in shining armor
Sun reflected on the steel
Distracts you from the blood
That has dried and he can't feel
A million militia
And miles of war
Spilled more blood
Than they ever saved before
They see no use in screaming
They see no use in you
They're trained to keep us bleeding
And that's what they're going to do
If these are my protectors
Who claim the night will **** me dead
If these are my protectors
I think I'll take the night instead

Driving pavement wet
Headphones keep me from silence
You aren't by my side

That grey gold curtain
Mexican restaurant glows
In the winter sun

You think you are dull
My heart is so very full
Of you and your laugh

Sleep like I'm right here
Piglet cheeks shine in the dark
Our pinkies touching

Dear Sammy,
I pray one day you'll read this and realize how far away you are from me.
I'm staring at the comic strip you drew for me on my birthday three years ago. You wrapped a jumbo Hershey's Bar in it and left it next to my backpack at school. I remember when my birthday used to mean something to you. I remember playing with you when we were three and four years old and dressing you up in my tutus and lipstick. I remember when you were my little brother.
I don't know who you are anymore.
You've been falling apart for so long and I tried my best to fix you. I should've done more, I should've told somebody. When you told me you wanted to **** yourself, I should've called your mother. But I tried to help you myself and I gave you attention and now that's all you want.
You still tell people you want to **** yourself. I know now that you just want attention. One day I fear you'll stop getting it and you'll actually **** yourself and I will fall to my knees and tear my hair out and wail and scream because you are so young and in so much pain and you tried so hard to leave me behind and now you've finally succeeded.
Now all you do is find girls and cheat on them and smoke and drink and swear and fight and you left Jesus and your big sister and your best friend in the chaos behind you and we cannot keep up. We've stopped trying. You don't want to listen. We don't want to talk. We just want you.
I haven't had a conversation with you in 3 years. I see you every ******* day and I talk to you and you hug me but you don't even see me anymore. And I don't know who I see anymore.
You have so much promise. So much talent. You are so smart. Sam, I love you so much. We all do. And despite what you think, your father does too.
I miss you. I've lost you and maybe it's my fault, maybe I should've done something more. But now you're too far gone, you've denied every shadow of your pain and therefore I cannot help you heal it.
I pray for you now. I pray for the little boy who I ate Mac and cheese with and built forts with. I pray for the star musician, for the painter, for the writer.
I pray for the boy who is killing his body and suffocating his heart and abandoning his family.

Sammy, please come home.

Mr. Miller says their is no resolve in life
Or jazz
The way everyone screams at me and curses
Foreshadows no resolve
Everyone is forgiving wrong
Everyone is loving wrong
Everyone is trying to prove each other wrong
But we're all wrong in the end
Love is no longer a hearts well
It is the dagger with which a starved man stabs his food
And the wedding ring
No longer wed
Is covered in the chocolate he stuffs in his mouth
Through his tears
There is no resolve
Only conflict

Any minute now
Something will happen
My feet are stuck to the ground
But soon, I'll be free
Soon I don't have to be me anymore
Any minute now
Something will change
A new job
A new life
A new name

A new name
A new job
A new life
Soon, I'll be someone's mother
Someone's wife
Don't know when
Don't know how
I just know it's not now
But I'll wait
I have nothing else to do
Something will happen to me
I just hope it's you

God I'm stuck
I wish I could sit down
I wish I could run
But I'm stuck
**** it all
I can't move
I can't fall
Any minute now
Maybe I'll get a call
Life is stalling me
And I'm done with it all
Any minute now
Any minute now
Any minute now
Any minute now

Something will happen

I don't want to be your fantasy
I don't want to be your queen
I'm tired of feeling desired
I'm tired of being seen

I'm his Plato
His Homer
Aristotle
Socrates
I'm his beautiful philosopher
His conquest
His tease

I'm sorry
I do not feel that way
I'm sorry
You did not know
I'm sorry
I thought I did
I'm sorry
But when I say "I have to go"
I mean
I don't feel this way, and I can't fake it anymore
You have always been such a sweet friend
And though there wasn't much to begin with
It must come to an end
I wish that I liked you, believe me I do
But I know that I can't
And I don't want to use you
So when I say "I have to go"
I mean
*I don't feel this way, and I can't fake it anymore

I would marry you
If I were older
If I were smarter
If I were prettier
I would marry you
If I could
Then I would
I'd marry you

Would you marry me
If I were older?
If I were smarter?
If I were prettier?
Would you marry me
If you could?
Cause I would
I'd marry you

I miss you when you're gone.
You're gone for far far far too long.
You're standing over there.
I can't find you anywhere.
I miss you when you're gone.
You've been gone so so so very long.
You glanced at me just now.
But you're not here, so I'm not sure how.
You're in a mood today.
It's a shame you had to go away.
I miss you when you're gone.
You've been gone for far too long.

I'll see you tonight.
But I have a feeling you won't arrive.
And when you leave, you'll still be erased.
As if you were never there in the first place.
I'll see you tonight.
But I don't think you'll be there.
You'll be where?
Anywhere, but here.
I'm here.

I'm the pig faced ******* a red bike
So shiny
I thought
How he'll ooo and ahh
When the tires pop
I become
The pig faced girl making paper cranes
So bright
I thought
How he'll coo
When the paper tears
I become
The pig faced girl who loves flowers
So smart
I thought
How he'll whisper
When winter comes
I become
The pig faced girl who can play piano
So beautiful
I thought
How he'll exclaim
When my fingers bleed
I become
The pig faced girl in a pretty dress
How beautiful he'll think me

Turns out
I'm just the pig faced girl to him

They say there has not been a single day without construction in New York City for over 100 years
Cranes loom above the stumps of skyscrapers like skeletal fingers
And the noise is the anthem of the city
God drops a box of tools he used to build the Earth - and the noise reverberates around the universe until it bounces between the buildings of Manhattan for all eternity
The trickle of traffic lulls children to sleep
No noise is loud enough to drown out another
Framework and scaffolding decorate the sky in lacy corpses
As the white men build their way toward the dollar signs in the stars
Civilians walk the streets in black
Mourning for city that has not yet died and will never sleep
Rushing to a funeral - rushing up ladders
A man runs up the stairs - craving only the elevation and never the satisfaction
Man in neon uniform affirm themselves by yelling at women they will never know - wanting only to dominate the space
Building, always building - toward the nothing the city has not found yet

One day - there will be no more left to build
The skies will no longer be scraped but injected
The sky will not be seen
Useless legacies will tower over the city
In black for the funeral that has finally arrived
The city dies and there is no noise
No noise
No noise
No noise
No noise
The silence is perverse to the inhabitants of New York
A permanent funeral
The people do not know how to mourn
They do not know silence
And the white men - building their worth floor by floor - discovered there were no dollar signs in the stars
There were only stars
And stars meant nothing to them

New York is silent.
And the people begin to scream.

My love for others is formed in desperation
I lose myself in the broken valleys of their eyes
Because I've lost you across a pit as wide as beauty
And as deep as jealousy
I fight to keep my independence
By depending on the abandoned and lonely
I'm so tired of you
But I've got no one else
Gloved hands stroke my hair
Yet they are mine
I've created a hand to hold in the winter of my desperation
And it's as cold as everything
I succumb to shameful acts of self fufillment
To protect my heart from the the anguish that awaits me in your arms
But do I know?
Can I know what truly waits in the shadow you cast?
In my desolation, not only did I lose hope
But hope lost me
In a dark world of unfulfilled expecations, their hues biting at me heels
I am lost in the invisible tragedy of the fall
I have succumbed to the despondency
And expect it to suffice
Replace what I refuse and fear to ask you for

Voiceless, I am begging you

Mnyamata
I can't honestly tell you this has been the happiest year of my life, because I've no idea. I can't remember a lot of my life, so there's no way to be sure. But what I can tell you, is I could relive this year over and over again forever, because it has been so astoundingly happy. Every second of it, from today, a year ago when we told each other how we felt, to our first date at the Streetlight Manifesto concert at the Neptune, to our first kiss in Jennings Park, and the poem you wrote me, to all those drives home from your house, where we could do nothing but hold each other's faces and stare at each other in the dark because we were so in love, we didn't know what else to do. I'd relive it all, forever. I love you, Ryan. Happy Anniversary.
ndimakukonda

Don't tell me there are plenty of fish in the sea
When the silvery, slimy things hang from coral reefs
And are stuck in frayed netting
Not yet frayed to the point of breaking
When they drown in oil and choke on garbage
Scaly flesh peirced by razor blade teeth
Captured and smothered
And beaten and gutted
Frozen and thawed and chopped
Stewed and grilled and covered in salt and sauce
Tossed and sliced and torn and diced
Delivered to my table in a trice
Don't tell me that there are plenty of fish in the sea
Because one of those fish could be me

I'm a Christian
Not a Creationist
I'm a Helper
Not a Homophobe
I'm Righteous (Or I try to be)
Not racist
I'm a Believer
Not a Belittler
I love
Not laugh
I try
Not tease
I decide
Not to discriminate
I hate
Hate
I'm A Christian
Not an *******
And no matter what YOU believe
Those two do not have to be synonymous
I BELIEVE
In a God that created us Different but Equal
In a God that Loves
In A God who created my Universe
Whether it happened in 7 days
Or billions of years
The Bible does not have to be LITERAL
And Evolution does not have to be RULED OUT
I believe in Science
And I believe in Salvation
I believe in God
And I believe in the Human Genome
I believe in Equality
And I believe in Forgiveness
I believe in Mistakes
And I believe in Miracles
I believe in Love
No matter where it's found
And I believe that Loving Athiests
Will go to Heaven before Hateful Christians
I BELIEVE IN A LOT OF THINGS
I BELIEVE IN GOD
And that doesn't have to mean
That I'm Homophobic
That I'm Racist
That I'm CRAZY
That I'm Mean
That I'm Narrow-Minded
Or that I'm Perfect
BECAUSE I'M NONE OF THESE THINGS
I hate Hate
But I still Hate
Because I'm Human
And I Fail
And I KNOW that I Fail
And I Fix
And I Forgive
Because I believe in a God
That believes in Me

Depression isn't what you think.
It's not slicing wrists and crying.
Not for everyone.
Sometimes it's just a heavy blanket.
You get your work done.
Mostly, anyway.
But you don't leave your room.
You don't leave your bed.
You tell your boyfriend you're going to bed early, but you sit awake for hours.
You get a watermelon from the kitchen and eat it in bed with a spoon.
Lights off, juice dripping down your face.
Watermelon used to taste good.
Sleep used to be easy.

Weddings' always made me sad, but only for myself; this one made me sad for everyone else in the room, including the bride. Actually, especially the bride.

I crawled slowly into my closet, pushing piles of shoes out of the way. I let myself cry; something I had not done in weeks. My tears grew into sobs and my sobs grew into screams so violent I shoved the sleeve of one of my sweatshirts into my mouth to stifle them.

The thought of getting drunk sounded so delicious, I figured I could down a whole case of beer before I remembered I didn't like the taste.

I started blankly at the photo taped to my wall. I held back tears and tried not to remember that the boy in the picture, the one I had my arms wrapped around, was nothing but a stranger to me anymore. I had long ago stopped counting the days he had been gone, because I never knew what I was counting to. 8 years later, he's still gone, and the hope of his return is little.

The little cut on my wrist stung, though the knife had barely broken the skin.

Four minutes and five seconds into Stairway To Heaven, I realized my fingernails had been clawing at my lips. I ****** the blood off my fingers and sang along quietly.
"When she gets there, she knows, if the stores are all closed . ."

All the days of rain had transformed the fallen leaves into piles  the consistency of burgundy oatmeal. Despite its sludgy facade, the **** left stains on the pavement as violent as blood.

I would regret it tomorrow, but I stayed up as late as I could, praying I would sink into one of the many shadows in my room and never feel anything again.

Even though I could feel the ink sinking into my vessels, I continued to write on my skin. It may give me cancer one day but I couldn't resist; the secret Sharpie messages on my arms and hands made me feel like art.

I was numb. I felt like my entire body was asleep, a dull tingly feelings spreading from the ***** of my feet to the crown of my head. The only places I felt anything were the sore spots on my chest that I'd jabbed the end of my pencil into.

It was almost like I was too tired to sleep. Knowing that I would just wake up again made it pointless. So I stayed watching TV in a dark room and nervously eyeing the the flickering shadows the TV made.

Something feels wrong about this
About you now
24 hours can change the world
Can change everything
Twice
Three times even
I miss being stable
I miss wen things were always the same
And I never had to think about tomorrow
You were so beautful to me yesterday
And maybe you will be once I see your face again
But for now
I'm scared of the changes
I'm scared because I cannot control anything about or around me
I want everything to be the way it was when I was little
Everything was juice boxes and scraped knees and laughing
Now everything is dfferent

I've been waiting months
For the day when
My desire will be quenched
With darkness and popcorn
A crowded room
Of people who disobey
Proved by the small glowing screens around me
And I'll shiver from excitement in my seat
Surrounded by family
In pajamas
With sleep in their eyes
But I do not sleep
I am far too excited
For the day when my Sire
Will return from the Shire

The salty scent of empty arms laughs
Laughs
Whipping my hair through the brine
Fingers dancing
Raw from the tide
Taste on my tongue
Enchanting
Romancing me
Shines with moonlight
Hides with it
Digging in the sand
Gritty between my teeth and knees
Broken glass
Slipping from my grasp
Blood coursing from my veins
How quiet can my footsteps be?
Walking toward the waves
Lifting and falling
Laughing at me
Eyes twist away
Blinking rapidly
Too bright
Too bright
Surging
Burning like a wildfire
Bleeding through my skin
Sobs drowned beneath the wind
They cannot hear me now
No time to say goodbye
Just regret
All regret for me
Things I shouldn't have said
Away they fly
Cannot say goodbye.
The water laps
Cools my skin
Embracing me
Inviting me
For years it called
I stalled each time
My hot skin drenched with perspiration
Tears and resignation
Come
Come
Drink from me
I will cleanse you
I will hold you
You will not feel alone any longer
Like a lions roar I stand
Tall and beaten
In the sand
Toes curled
Grains scratch my skin
Though I cannot feel it now
Breathing salty loneliness
Through my nose
I take that first step
Foot pointed
Until it aches
The time has come
The Beast awakes
Diving in
Breathing deep
The water coursing through
Reminding me of you
And burning deeper,
Hotter than
The hottest ray of sun
That ever burned whatever Man
Who stood here crying in the sand
Salt leaking in my lips
Drying the cracks
Twisting my hips
My chest caves in
The blood flows out
The stones are banging on my skin
My arms
They flail
My eyes wide open
Burning like white flame
You're omnipresent
I cannot run away
So  the last drop of empty arms
Grabs hold of me
Hair floating  in graceful patterns
My neck stretched under alabaster moonlight
And with that dreaded final thought
I descend into the depths of
Briny hate and salty steps
But with a new man on my side
The one who reaches with the tide

Shame is this thing in my hand
Shame is my heart
Shame is this part if me
That I can't control
Shame is this thing in my lap
Shame are my eyes
Shame's none the wiser
Than I claim to be
And I am ashamed
I'm ashamed of me

She was an enigma of a girl.
Always passionate and compassionate
but mean at the very best of times.
She was always changing.
Sometimes she was quiet, words delivered awkwardly
but sometimes she was loud and exciting.
She was funnier on paper
but smarter in person.
Her heart was spilled onto pages of books
and notes of songs
but never on her sleeve.
When you first look at her,
you could almost see right through her
but after you hear her voice,
you're always aware of her.
Her voice is deep as the Mississippi,
her laugh is always loud,
but soft when she talks about
special things.
Always willing to help
never willing to be helped.
Sometimes her eyes were so dark, they were almost black,
but when she was happy, they were chilled brown.
She was ******* up
but never thought about her own problems.
She was always happy to talk.
She was sensitive around her freinds
but tough around everyone else.
She was smart. The smartest.
But she simply didn't pass her classes.
She hated pericings but loved tattoos.
Her was curly but straight on sunny days.
She covered her mouth when she smiled.
No one was sure why.
She liked challenges but hated puzzles.
She loved poetry but hated puns.
Never could decide between flowers or skulls.
Pink or blue.
She was a geek. But she belonged
at the top of the food chain.
She loved to sing but hated performing.
Never sure who she wanted to be.
She was a talented musician but
failed at improv.
There was always a happy smile on her face
but she was rarely happy.
She loved so deeply.
But she threw herself around.
Always loyal, never confident.
Always afraid of being alone.
Of never becoming what she wanted to become.
She wanted to be somebody to someone
but never felt she could be.
She was a very specific person.

She waded in the shallows but longed for deep water.

I found my sister's heart
I screamed out to God
"I need her, I need her"
I am too lonely to be without you now
I have too many secrets
I need you more than ever
I found your heart, sister
And cried until all my bones ached
And I thought I might be sick
I screamed to God
"I want my sister"
I screamed so loud
I could not hear it
I need you sister
I need you sister
I need you more than ever

I saw this mountain all alone
I saw this mountan on its own
I saw this as a lonely mountain
Its tears cascading like a fountain
I thought I'd climb it, keep it company
I thought that nothing could go wrong
I thought the mountain, it would love me
The mountain chuckled; I was wrong
But still I began my treacherous climb
The goal I'd set still tricked my mind
I dove between the weeds and thrushes
I slipped around the water rushes
Expecting to hear the mountain call'
I was surprised when I heard nothing at all
Calling out for something more
Calling for the mountain's roar
When nothing came, I did not panic
Patience, thought I, should surely do it
So climbing still and dodging, diving
Without warning, I began crying
Why has the mountain been so silent?
Why has the mountain been so quiet?
Perhaps it doesn't want me after all
I realized it would never call
So sobs tearing through my chest I turned 'round
Deafened by the lack of sound
And when I reached the bottom once more
Still, I did not hear the mountain's roar

Anxiety makes familiar faces unfamiliar. My stomach aches in church. The monster in my head turns my loved ones into monsters also. No safety net, only cement. My pastor talks of Paul escaping Damascus, being lowered down a wall in a basket. I feel that sick swaying and tense fear. I am held in sleep but must keep moving. I am kept awake but feel sleep like a strait jacket. Save me God. My life is only nothing without You.

Misery
You've never been so good to me
Misery
You've never been so kind
You've stayed awake with me, through all my hardest nights
You've put your arm round me, when he wouldn't look twice

Misery, I beseech thee
Though you've been what holds up my bones
Misery, I am begging
It's time I hold them up on my own
Misery, I know you've set me free
But I didn't ask you to follow me home

She came -
Dripping in blood
Like all the plagues of heaven
Ethereal torture
I've fallen in love -
With a demon

I couldn't give a **** what heat engines are.
My job is to tell a couple little snot noses to sit their ***** down and drink juice - it's easy and I love it. I couldn't give a **** about heat engines.
(I mean, aren't all engines hot anyway?)
But when I watch you kneeling in front of a whiteboard, drawing out diagrams for your coworker about what you're learning in physics, my heart jumps out of my ******* throat and slaps my computer screen like a raw steak. Not exactly a romantic metaphor I know, but it's accurate.
I never thought Expo pens could be ****. I never thought math could be ****, for ***** sake. But you do it somehow.
Everything about you drives me nuts. Looking at you gives me the biggest feelings I've ever felt, and I get scared I'm going to explode. Really. People say stuff like that, but it's true - it feels like I'm going to explode like some sort of adorable grenade.
I don't know what to do with myself. Ever.
Go to church - yeah.
Get my degree - sure.
Go to work - totally.
But with myself? I have no ******* clue.
For one, I don't think I can come hang out with you at work anymore. You have a certain amount of professionalism to maintain, and I am a threat to that - in the most violently affectionate way possible. I am so close to tackling you in a bear hug and spooning you right here in this classroom. I never considered how painful it is to love somebody. In the best ways and the worst ways.

Now you're sitting in the armchair next to me, the ****** little coffee maker filling the air between us. You talk with your friends and draw  and type into your calculator and occasionally glance at me and every time you do anything, I  . . .  I can't. I can't even explain how it feels. You are the antidote and the virus to every part of me. Loving you has been the most exhilarating and most miserable experience of my life. Loving you has taught me how agony can be sweet. Loving you has changed my life and will continue to change my life.

I've lost interest in almost everything. School is school, work is work, books have become boring and friends have become obsolete. You feel the same way, and your Mom thinks you're depressed, but you're not. Neither of us are. We're so ready. We're so ready for something new.

I have never stared at someone so shamelessly in all my life. I could listen to you talk about heat engines for the rest of my life.
That's the plan, anyway.

I drink one
When I can't have two
I beat myself up
I thought I couldn't have you
Now you're telling me I'm pretty
And everything is fine
There's a ring on her finger
So she's drinking all the wine

I'm sitting in the dark
Losing feeling in my fingers
The room is full of no one
And I'm singing with the singers
Now you say you wanna kiss me
And everything is fine
I'm still feeling pretty lonely
But there isn't any wine

My skin is getting darker
So I blend in with the walls
This is all I'm getting
Always texting, never calls
He doesn't have the minutes
And I guess that I'm okay
But I wanna see tomorrow
Cause I'm tired of today

I stare at the bro-k-k             earring on my desk
                                      e
                                            n
                         g
                    n
                      i
                r                                          
                e
           d
Consi  my last Pokemon battle
There's a NOISE outside
Thunder or trash can?
A beep, beep, beeping in the kitchen
Inane and e t  e   r    n     a      l
Cinnamon w           f             s  
                         a            t
Through the      w a y ,
                         h           s
                         c           w
                         r            e
                                       e
                         a            t
As *sugar

I know you love me
And I was silly
To ever think
You never could

I've been losing myself in their arms
Though no arms wrapped around me
With one look
A story
With one slip of the tounge
An ending
With months of work and misery
A beginning
And in forty eight hours
It's lost, wrapped in the arms of the one who won't have me
Pressed to the jacket of the one who refused me
Held by the boy who does not love me
I finally lost it all in his arms
And now I sit with a hammer at my head between
My knees watching tears smack the floor at my feet

You're walking
I'm waiting
And soon we'll be here, now.
Your heavy feet
My heavy eyes
And our eyes will meet
And my lips will bow
In a smile

I can't wait to get a toaster
My own toaster
I really enjoy toast, especially with the peanut butter that's bad for you
And sometimes with cinnamon
I usually make myself scrambled eggs and bacon
With a couple pieces of toast and chocolate milk
Toast and I have a special relationship
So I'm looking forward to the day when you and toast meet
When your step uncle in law twice removed buys us some cheap Wal-Mart toaster
Wrapped 20 minutes before the wedding with a card where my name is misspelled
And I use it a week or so later to cook you bacon and eggs the way YOU like them
With a side of apple juice and toast
I've loved toast all my life
When I marry you, you'll know I love you just as much
So, you and toast should probably meet

I could do this little back and forth forever
I'm always here to tell you how I feel
You're not defined by what you find outside you
It's what I see and love that's really real

I love your name and the way it fits next to mine. I love that you have two middle names - one you hate and one you can't spell. I love that you're older than me. I love that you're responsible. I love that you're funny and silly. I love that you lived in Africa. I love that you have friends all around the world. I love that you love Dalmatians. I love that you're a dog person. I love that you love Thai food. I love you when you're sick. I love when you're healthy. I love waiting in the hospital for you while you have a check up. I love that you tell me about your doctors. I love that you're taking Physics. I love that you're making friends. I love the little curls behind your ears. I love the roughness of your beard. I love the blues and blacks and silvers in your eyes. I love the way you smile, so crooked and perfect. I love that you're going to be an engineer. I love that you're supportive of me. I love when you make me sandwiches - especially the ones with pickles and ham. I love to cook with you. I love stealing your clothes. I love how our hands fit perfectly together. I love the way you demand I take my socks off so I can keep your feet warm. I love that you buy me roses just cause. I love when you pick me up from school. I love that you made me read your favorite books. I love your favorite books. I love the way you smell. I love the place where your neck meets your shoulder, because by head fits perfectly. I love watching Unbreakable Kimmy *******with you. I love going to concerts with you. I loved sitting in the Neptune, waiting for Streetlight Manifesto to come on, trying to get you to kiss me. I love our first kiss. I love the poems you write me. I love falling asleep in your bed, with your arms around me in the middle of the day. I love your little brother. I love your sister. I love your opinions on wedding dresses. I love the way to talk. I love how much you talk and what you talk about. I love your head and your heart. I love your character and your personality. I love the way you say my name. I love your laugh. I love your dreams. I love your optimism. I love your cynicism. I love your idealism and your realism. I love your arms. I love your dogs. I love the posters on your walls. I love that you know so much about music. I love your guitars. I love the stuffed animals you got me. I love your handwriting. I love the way you draw. I love the way your hair looks when you wake up. I love waking up thinking about you. I love the way you stare at me when you think I'm especially beautiful. I love when you tell me I'm beautiful. I love that you work with my sister. I love that you take me out. I love that you make sacrifices for me. I love how smart you are. I love how you always make me laugh. I love that I can make you happy even when you don't want to be. I love that I miss you. I love that you miss me. I love your tattoo ideas. I love our future daughters name. I love our future daughter. I love our future son. I love our plan. I love how well I know your voice. I love going on walks with you. I love playing with your fingers. I love that you let me paint your nails. I love sending you kisses on Facebook. I love scrolling through tumblr and FML with you. I love singing with you. I love playing made up games with you. I love telling you I love you. I love your chest and stomach, and I love laying my head on them. I love that you are always so happy. I love that we communicate without words. I love that we've been together for almost 2 years. I love that it will be much longer. I love that romantic movies make me miss you. I love your taste in everything. I love that you're punk. I love when you sing to me. I love being on stage with you, and making you smile. I love playing card games with you. I love that you find my hair on your clothes. I love talking about God with you. I love when you wear a hat. I loved going to Comic-Con with you. I love how you always make me happy. I love that you liked me back. I love that you texted me first. I love you. And I love that you'll at least try and read this whole thing, just cause.

Our little road trip
Don't know the destination
Whispering lip to lip
No amount of hesitation
You bring the snacks
While I give directions
Our little road trip
Don't know the destination

I'm sitting at a wooden desk
A quill in a *** as black as pitch
And with feathers as soft as sea water
The desk with peeling white paint
Has drawers
With crooked silver sconces
To hold the candle stumps
At night, as I write
I use parchment, not paper
Stroking the rough, grainy surface of it
Waiting for my fingers to go numb
In front of me a window
Of warped and misty glass
But I throw it open to feel the air
As its wafts, heavy and salty
Past the curtains I've hung there
And clings to my face and neck
I pretend I am the sea
Clasping the quill in my hand
Freshly dipped into its ***
I write in thin, twisting letters
I imagine they are grape vines
Twisting through an orchard
Fat with grapes
Purple from the sunrise
And these letters make words
So sweet
I can almost taste the wine on my tounge

All I can do is sip your Peace Tea
And wait for you to fall in love with me
All I can do swear under my breath
And cover my face and push out my *******
All I can do is wish you would stand closer
And pretend that I'm not an absolute poser
I look at a lot
But you're all I can see
So I'll just sit here and wait
For you to fall in love with me

I'm tired of worrying about hurting your feelings.
You're tough - you can handle some honestly.
This -this offness that happens between us - is called codependency. It's when one of us becomes unhappy, and the other person can't stay happy because of it. Or when one person gets slightly disappointed or upset by something and let's it dig then into a hole they either can't or don't want to get out of, and then they take it out on their counterpart in various ways.
Ignoring them, not speaking, not interacting, withholding answers, withholding physical contact, refusing to provide the attention, affection or love the other person requires. It's selfishness.

You and I are both guilty of it. But recently it feels like you struggle the most. I'll mention something like family dinners will be moved to Sunday's for a while, which somewhat conflicts with the days we spend together - and you'll be disappointed that we don't get as much time together as you want.
I'll still be spending the whole day with you, I say, a fraction of it will just be at my house, with my family.
You'll say yes, family time is important, but I just want those days to be for us two.
Well guess what, when we're spending those days together, it's with YOUR family. I think your real problem is with my family. Even though you'll still be getting just as much time with me, which I'd think you'd be happy about, you're upset that it's not under your conditions. And you let it bother you and bother you until you refuse to acknowledge me.

This happens too often. It hurts me, badly and it hurts you, and it hurts us. When you're in a better mood, you and I can talk about it and you'll promise to try harder to be happy, promise to tell me what's wrong when I ask, and you never do. You don't seem to even try. I know it's not impossible to make yourself happy - I do it everyday. I do it for you, because I want you to be happy. But you seem to forget.

I don't want this to hurt us anymore. We shouldn't be feeling this way so often. I need you to be honest with me about how you feel, I need you to be willing to discuss it with me, I need you to try, please. I love you so much and I am choosing you, right now, I'm choosing this - and I'm choosing to finally be honest about what I'm feeling.
I need you back, I need your normal self.

I miss you. I miss my best friend. It feels like you're a different person when we have days like this. I know we can make it better, but I need you to try, for me. Please.

It's always the same
The way I whisper your name
And I can hardly believe it
That you cannot conceive this
I've fallen again
Tried so hard to win you with sin
It's not a matter of money
When my honeytrap is missing its honey
I'm a person kinda person
And I know I'm a prison
My arms hang like shackles
You're no good to me now
I can't believe the lie
That I'm going to die
When I hug you
You ought to say ow

You think
Girls
Give you
Power

You think
They
Let you
Down

Make up
Your
Mind and
Realize

She will
Never
Mess
Around

"What an interesting development."
I thought to myself, sadly
Because I'm in love, though very badly
His freckles his smile, there, just barely
I told my sister, though quietly, warily
I regret it already, it was bad of me, bad of me
Because I know it's a lie, that I lied cause I'm lonely
And I wanted his freckles, his smile, there barely
So I'm trying to love him, though quietly, warily






It's not going to last
It will be gone in the morning
And I'm sad that I know that
So I go now, in mourning

I have a lot of monsters
Some are here and some are there
They hide inside my closet doors
Or whisper in my hair
They were made to **** me
And one day
One of them will win
But when I feel your arms around me
I don't let those monsters in