oh see,
i will take this outlet
[this two pronged outlet
one of you and one of me]
to reply because
i picked up the phone today
and called someone else
thinking
"oh hell i'll warm up a bit
before i dive into this-
i mean, i want to get
my personality right
don't i?
I MEAN DON'T I?!?!?!?
WHO THE HELL AM I ANYMORE?!?!?!?!"
panic set in.
i called my dad.
he's always calming.
we talked about christmas ****.
what he wants. what mom wants.
it calmed me down.
i figured out who i am:
i'm just a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude,
not breaking character til we're done the DVD commentary.
[paraphrased of course cuz I don't plagiarize.]

i'll call you
but how late will you be awake?
i'll call you
but what are you doing right now?
i'll call you
but why am i nervous?
i'll call you
but aren't we all one Being?
i'll call you
but but but but but but burt but but but but but but but but but
don't you have home work
or something better to do
than listen to me preach
and flap flap flap flap
and not hug me again
and not listen to me
or are you listening to me
or am i neurotic
or is it all smoke and mirrors
and seriously i'm coughing uncontrollably
and you'd think i'm crazy
but it's that holiday season
and for the next handful of weeks
i've got a handful of excuses
of why and how and what and how
but burdens only stack up
and i've released literally every single one
except i'm still replaying josh ritter in my head
and the car ride home from that purple chair
and the walk around the duck.

[not stopping for breathing
or trimming my toe nails,
which started growing again.]

and LA and Delaware and pencilwania and where we met on that pier at that show in socal and house of blues and mini golf and lists and names and places and "there's no hell when you die, so don't look so worried."

and i'll call you
but will you answer?

She's mine to keep
To hold in my arms
And love forever

She's a piece of art
Waiting to be noticed
By every soulful being

She's a short sentence
Really sweet
And sharp to the point

She's a hopeful girl
Who dreams of life
Being lived the way she wants it

She's a beautiful thought
Stuck in your head
Like a catchy tune

She's the top prize
That you win at the fair
And keep close for a life time

She's my girl

I'm driven
Driven by hope
Led by dreams
Told by thoughts
Nudged by tranquility
Pulled by love
Poured by peace
Controlled by nothing
I'm driven

The coming day
offers so much fear
so much insecurity
I wish I could wear a mask
pull my hair in front of my face
wish no one would talk to me
above all
oh above all
don't look at me
I hate having people look at me
their eyes burning into me
searing my skin
don't look at my blotchy face
don't roll over my doughy fat
don't linger on my frizzy hair
don't you notice how big my thighs are
when I sit still
trying to be unnoticed
just don't look at me
the coming day
offers so much fear
too much fear
and I can't handle the terror
of being noticed
being looked at
it makes me sick
and shameful
and terrified
please
god
please
avert your eyes-
pretend I'm not there
it burns when you look at me
it sets me aflame
and I feel nothing
but the searing heat

**and it kills me

has gone from this demon
of hatred and depression
and has slowly become
an angel made up of
love and happiness.
Looking in a mirror is
no longer a fight to not notice
the flaws and imperfections
but more of a booming concert
celebrating them and noticing
the perfections.

I adore you
Not as a collector idolizes what's his to keep

You're beautiful
the cusp of your hills
leading to a shallow sink hole
just before the meadows

You're perfect
The circular masses
surrounded by pure white sand
Even when it rains
emotions gleam flawlessly

You're joy
Hide poorly your white city
Covered by soft rose gardens
That part
In a way that evokes happiness
Within me

I adore you
Not the way a collector
Idolizes what isn't his to keep
But as

A traveler...
Lost in another land

...finds himself.