Is that what you called me?
A ******* Satanic?
I'm atheist for one
For two you must comprehend
The undeniable difference between
Insane and Satanic
Allow me to elaborate
Insanity comes from the constant
Redundant tolerance of *******
People like you propose
Satanism comes from the belief
That a super being with horns and wings
Can buy your soul and give you equality
I'm satanic?
Maybe I'll use you in my next ritual
Ask for the gift of sanity
So I can tolerate your ******* some more
Before you call me satanic
Learn how insane I am
Or I'll have to show you

To foolish ideas
I bid good riddance
To these emotions
I find you repulsive
To this pack of smokes
I couldn't be happier to see you go
To these old picture frames
Holding all the memories
I so desperately want to leave behind
To these ways I've adopted
Thinking I'm something more
Then a stoner and a heartless fool
To these scars
Holding back the pain
To what defines me
I'm simply saying goodbye
I'm saying farewell
I'm packing my bags
Heading away from here
I'd rather be a homeless nomad
Then a miserable man
Everything has became a chain
Weighting me down
Slowly pulling me into the abyss
The Mariana Trench of depression and fear
I'm nothing more then a heartless ****** fool
And thus I bid farewell
To live my life alone as such

Smiles fill today
While razor-sharp teeth
Flash themselves from behind tender lips
Yes I'm scared of tomorrow
Because the end of today
Brings me one step closer
To the world filled with the unknown
Mother and Father trying to protect me
Saying they're getting me ready
Yet they don't know what tomorrow holds
I'm scared of it
Will I fall?
Will I see four walls one made of steel?
Will I walk through fire
Or slip on the icy heart of the streets?
Tomorrow is unknown
Today is almost over
Yesterday was simpler
Let my life go backwards
At least I know what it held

Title says it all
You lost


Game Over


Thanks for playing
Hope you have a whole in your chest
Put one in your head too
Just so it will match
I played you like a fool
I never loved you
Simply because you weren't worth it
You got too close
You slipped and let your guard down
So its game over for you
In this unpredictable game of Life and Love

Of coming to your rescue
Of picking up the pieces
To your desolate heart

I'm tired of being there for you
When you continue to try and end it
When your crying
And wanting to be held

You drink and sulk
You cut and sit
In the puddles of pity and blood
I'm tired of this game

Just end it already
I'm not going to be there
So let me rest
And don't call me again

For every little thing
On every ordinary day
I find myself say I'm sorry
Well I'm sick and tired of it

I'm not sorry for your petty problems
Even if the the words I say
Put a whole in your chest
Or make you feel empty again

If the world caved in
Underneath what you thought
Was solid ground
I wont be there to pull you out

I'm tired of saying I'm sorry
It's all I say
Every ******* day
And I'm not saying it again

I would rather feel regret
Numb, broken, and alone even more
Than say it one more time to you
So no matter what you say or I do
Those words will never come off my lips again.

I've just slapped you with a shoe
Squished you under my heel
I wonder if I'm going insane
I must be insane
I just tried reviving a roach
I like you'll live little buddy
Hope you don't
You're such a nuisance
I've seen you running around
Naked and crawling through my sheets
Sleeping with me
I might have ****** you too
I don't know
Every night I've been drunk
I gave you the boot finally
Hope you love being an insect
A pestering nuisance
Twitching on the floor
Begging for another chance at life
Well this second stomp should decide it
I must be insane
I compared you to a roach
I gave you chance after chance
Let you go
Just to be crawled on
When my back was turned
**** that
Baby I'm glad you finally died

I'm writing to you
I no longer know why
But I know I shouldn't
Only because I know
You don't love me anymore
So it has to be for all the wrong reasons
If I know you'll never see
The pile of poems and letters
Because you're leaving again

You can hire me for whatever
I'll fix your broken heart
Repair the plumbing within its walls
Repair the wholes in it
I'll do it all for free
You can hire me to kiss you
To hold you
And I'll never charge you anything
As long as you tell me you love me
And I'm able to love you
With a love even a god himself
Cannot buy with anything
I'm your free handyman
I'll do whatever you want
Give you what you need
Even if I don't have the power to do that
I will try anyways
Ti amo con tutto il mio cuore

Today is Independence Day
Yet I'm still depending on you
To tell me you love me
When do I get to write my Constitution
When do I get to free myself
From the tyranny of my heart
Always needing you here
Holding me gently
I'm sick of it
I need my independence from you

Does anybody know where I can buy one?
I heard ebay might have them
I also heard death makes things better
Guess I will try them both

You died even before the words
Reached the tip of my tongue
And now you're gone
I can't hold you at night
I can't whisper poetic words
In your ears as we lay together
I can't kiss you
Your lips cold and discolored
I can't touch you
Your body boney and fragile
I never got the chance to say goodbye
Because you ruined us as a couple
Left before I could comprehend
What was happening before me
What was unfolding
There would no longer be an us
You acted on impulse
You thought he loved you
You crawled back to me
I just turned my back
Because you hurt me
In a way no one has before
I never got the chance to say goodbye
So I'm taking this opportunity to say it now
Goodbye

I never told you
How much I really loved you
or how much I really did care
That is my biggest mistake

I would do anything for you
Even lay down my life
In place of yours
Without a moments hesitation

I never told you
How stupid I felt around you
Or how you took my breath away
And I regret not telling you

But if I told you now
Would you believe me
Would it even matter
You don't love the same way

My emotions for you
Will never be returned
So what do I do with them
When they serve me no purpose

I never told you
How beautiful you were
Or how your eyes sparkled
When I had so many chances too

I hate those opportunities
That I regrettably passed up
I wish I could go back
But it wouldn't change a thing

Your gone now
I'm here alone
With useless emotions
And a hollow chest

I never told you
How special you were to me
Or that you deserved so much better
Than who you were falling for

I can't forgive myself for that
And every scar I gave myself
Is a reminder
Of how stupid I was

I never told you
That I had to force myself
Just to say one thing in front of you
Because you left me speechless

Would you even listen
Would you believe me
WOULD YOU EVEN CARE
If I tried to tell you now

even with her sitting next to me
even with the radio blaring
with the tv whispering
nothing ever makes this home
my parents house a hell hole even for the devil
made me crazy
drove so many to depression
its a chronic outbreak
catch quicker than aids
its never the same every time i come here
so why do i return
why do i stay
maybe i can reach out to even my father
that its time to set this hell house on fire
let the kerosene erupt the boards into ashes
let the screams of our familys curse
die in an echo of black smoke
in hell with nowhere to run
i wonder how long this house will continue
to destroy my family further

I am at home
I am immortal
I can never die
In her eyes
I will be a hero

No matter what I do
I can do no wrong
In her eyes
I can get lost
But I'll always be found

My life had no meaning
Till it fell into those eyes
In her eyes
I saw an opportunity
I saw an unlived life

In her eyes
I'm a god
I'm superman without a costume
My love is endless
Sanity isn't portraide

In her eyes
I see the future
I see the past
I see the present
But most of all I see her soul

I see the wrong she has done
I see the pain she has felt
I see me, her last hope for a better life
I see myself
In her eyes

I love her
Not for her beauty
But for the knowledge
She says she loves me
But she's not in love with me

But in her eyes
I see the truth
I see that she's in love
But not with me
But with the rage within

She knows that the pain
I can give
Could be the end
In her eyes
I'm her savior from this life

A black rose
Lain across thier coffin door
Pedals are withered
Thorns are dull
Leaves are gone
Blew away on the whispering breeze
In honor of the dead
I present this rose
Death and decay have kissed its beauty
Now even more beautiful
As it slowly falls apart
Like thier mothers and fathers
Crying tears of sorrow and relief
Knowing they are gone is devastating
Knowing they no longer
Have the cancer eating at your insides
Like pirahnas in your viens
Or having to fight a war
Waged for the most redundant reasons
In honor of the dead
I cry no tears
I simply salute them
My friend you are gone
Yet never shall they be forgotten
I present them this black rose
Red still dressing the outlines of satin pedals
Like blood on cotton sheets
In honor of the dead
I'll carve monuments with blank faces
Unknown men and women
Still missing after years of searching
So many have suffered
In honor of the dead
I'll carve my tears in the form of roses
On every headstone
In honor of the dead
I whisper lullabies in the moonlight
Sing songs of joy
Dance with thier ghost
As pedal tears fall from my eyes
In honor of the dead
I present this black rose
Red still dressing the outlines of satin pedals
Fortunate to be kissed by the lips of death
Blessed with the numbing of thier pain
Honored to rest weary bones

Thats all you were
Young and fragile
Sweet and cheerful
But innocent all around

Your small dollish figure
Running around with a smile
Blinding even the sun
I wish you would remain this way

My dear girl
How sweet your name is
Bees wish they could talk
As if they never tasted sweeter

But the world cried
Every tear it could find
When your body was found
Still innocent and lifeless

What kind of evil
Could take such a beautiful life
Away from a world
Already lost in enough chaos

"Why do you love me?"
That was your question
Was it not
I love you because you are you
And I love how open minded you are
You smile at my stupidity
You are vibrant and intelligent
You have a quality not many others have
You are you
In response to your question
I shall reply simply
I love you because I have nothing to lose
I only have you to gain
And that is why my dear
I love you

They say I'm not even white
Been in the game all my life
Lost in the ways of drugs, ***, parties, and bullets
Fighting everyday just to survive
Well I'm not in the hood
I'm on the streets of a town
Known only as Slaughter
A state of its own
Streets paved with the bones of youth
Plants getting no water
Only ever rains blood
As you hear "Just the youth going wild" instead of sirens
It's no longer steel doors slamming
It's guillotine bullets chopping of hearts
As they speed through the chest of a son or daughter
A soul that fell victim to the game
Another person never mourned in the hood

In the words of God
You fall victim again
Cast out of your mothers home
Rejected by your father
All because your preference in *** is different

In the words of God
You're deemed weak and evil
****** by society with jagged words
Whipped upon the altar of peasants feet
Because you steal bread to feed little mouths

In the words of God
We all have a code to abide by
I'm sorry but I don't live life by a book
I live it with the intention
That every second is my last

In the words of God
You're only allowed to worship him
Yet you idol a cross
When your daughter or son
Walk the beaten path of self righteousness

In the words of Me
We're all one being
I don't give a **** for your beliefs
Your traditions or your customs
Live your life your way
Don't judge man for the way Your God made them
And add that to your Bible

It wasn't trumpets and pianos
I played your funeral song
With the air out my ***
Then came the background orchestra
Of me ******* on your grave
Had a weird tune
But the lyrics were magically short
Two words with a repetition
*******, *******, *******
I never thought taking a ****
Would ever feel as good
Yet when it's on your grave
It's like ******* butter
With a cool relaxing feeling
I played your funeral song "mommy"
Hope you liked it
Maybe in a couple of weeks
It will all soak into the ground
For your mouth to taste
This lovely little tune
I played at your funeral

I'd take you to see the sunset on the Florida beaches
I'd make you happy beyond your wildest dreams
I'll never hurt you
I'm not like all the other guys
All I did was promise you lies
Look at where we are now
Hating each other
No longer looking in each others direction
And I can't keep those promises
Only because I no longer love you the same

I was wandering on the beach
Looked up to the sky
A shadow ran across the vivid oil painting
Of the great sunset
I bowed before this sight
Marveled at its glory
I saw god today
The worst part is
It was just a day dream
In the bathroom where I cut myself
And all I saw was the reflection in the mirror

Yeah I am a god
I can take life or give it
I can be a temple for your burdens
I don't ask for money in return
I just ask for you to be there
When you witness  a god break

Is this who I am?
Is this what I am?
Anger rushing through my veins
Racing with the adrenaline
Hatred in close third
I laid my hands on you
I swore I never would
I asked you to run
So why didn't you?
Why did you stay?
You knew it was going to happen
I had no control
I saw nothing but red
Blood was all I tasted
Hungry for the violence
Patiently waiting for me to wreak havoc
Tearing clawing at my insides
Is this who I am?
Is this what I am?
The monster you now have nightmares of
Do I frighten you?
I showed my true colors
Is this who I really am?
A monster seeking nothing but destruction
Setting fire to the bridges
It took years to build
Why?
Why didn't you run?
I begged you
Pleaded with you
To run the moment
You saw my pulse racing
Eyes going blank
Why didn't you run?
I showed my true colors
And you're now terrified to look at me
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I know I'm a monster
But I never intended for you to get hurt

I look into the dark oblivion
That is my room
I stare blankly at the ceiling
The cold still darkness
Slowly becoming darker
I wait to dream
But I fear what it is
That I may dream of tonight
I begin to think
Of where my life has gone
Where it is that I stand
And I realize
I am standing in darkness
My evil pool of misery
My worst fears compiled and drowning me
Is it sad to be scared of my dreams
The dreams I dream are not dreams
They are nightmares
Simply put on steroids
And injected daily
Into the wasted remnants of my brain
Mutating into a monstrous demon
Vividly I watch as my limbs are torn from my body
My sanity has cursed me
With this image
In a flash
Quicker than lightning
The scenery changes
The world is dissolved
Eroding faster than nature intended
The sky opens up
Demons walk to the edge
I look down to where Hell once laid
And see the decaying and half-dead bodies
Of archangels and angels
Wings torn from their backs
And a sense of hope
Banished from my mind
I fear my soul is lost
I awaken in horror
Just as demonic eyes
Pear into my soul
Intentions for me clear as day
Is it sad to be afraid of my dreams
My dreams are inhuman
They are wretched wild things
No human shall endure
But maybe I am not human
Maybe I am a monster
A demon hidden under human flesh
Clawing at the surface
Begging to be free
Oh that would be a terrifying dream
To watch as my flesh
Ripped from inside
As scaly skin appears
With a burning amber color
Tampered with blood ruby eyes
Focused on engulfing the rest of the world
Infecting the planet
With more of its kind
Is it sad to be afraid of my dreams
If my dreams are real
With a slightly different wording
To exaggerate the fact
That killing me could end a lot of problems
Bringing a new sense of peace
With a demon gone
I am afraid of my dreams
Because I don’t have to be asleep
To have these dreams
Just looking at the window
Watching the world **** itself
This is a dream not so friendly
One you cannot awaken from
This sadly is our reality

I want to tell you how I truly feel
I'm becoming even more insane
I want to shower you
With the best poems I can write
Telling the world
Of the things I want to do with you
Live the life I was never given
My heart may be broken
Pieces missing
Scattered across the world
Due to how far I threw them
Thinking I was better off without them
I don't want to be another mistake
Every poem I write matches me
Incredibly and disgustingly flawed
I'm not a musician
I can't write you a serenade
Even though I would love to
You're ******* perfect
I enjoy trying to make you smile
Sure the days will come when I can't
I'm conflicted with the thought
That something as perfect as you
Is close to grasping
Yet I don't know what to hold onto
Or what I should let go of
My darkness made me
Your perfection awoken me
Realizing everything I learned
Was ruined from the start

I'm fighting tears
My older brother
Laying in a hospital bed
Infection on a heart valve
Doctors saying I dont care
He's states away
*** am I supposed to
Make a 25 year old man
Take his medicine
When he's too busy getting high
Trying to survive this world
***** of a mother
More friend and foe
Bundled into a sunk in face
And fat rolls buckling knees
You're ******* kidding me
If you think I'll let him die
I'll pay his way out here
Have him move in with me
Straighten out his life
Because I'd rather get buried first
It could happen
I could lose my brother
The guy that tried to **** me
When I was only two
The guy I dropped on his head
Because he decided to steal from me
Sure he's not the perfect person
Or the ideal roommate
But he's still my family
And I'll be ******
If I let him die
When the rest dont care about him
Sure he's a drug addict
Like that ***** that gave birth to us
So what that he has a tendency
To be a complete *******
But I'll try my damnest
To see that he lives longer than me
It could happen
And I'm too far to do a **** thing
If it happens
Two bodies will be buried
That woman who says she's a mother
And my brother

I knew I ****** up
I tried to make things better
I drew us a picture
Wanted to send it to you
I had a drink to celebrate
Celebrate another lonely valentine
Fell asleep
And you called
I miss our 2 hour conversations
Just rambling about nothing
Where every now and then I got the chance to say
I love you
I know it seems like nothing now
But if we still didn't have feelings for each other
We wouldn't be writing to each other
With an entire world watching
I'll never stop proclaiming I love you
No matter how many times you say it doesn't matter
Or that I'm lying
I'll never cease fire my emotions for you
I'll never let them dwindle
I'll only take a step back
Evaluate my own imperfections
Because I dont want to be another ****** bag
You fell in love with
I wanted to be a man you could have pride in loving
A man that could take care of you
Even when you don't want me to
I know your bull headed and stubborn
I know you love your independence
Yet I know you found comfort
When I said I love you

If I took my life
If I said I love you
If I can't be loved
It doesn't matter now

My life is over
Was from the beginning
So whatever step that kills me
I can't take it soon enough

If someone said they care
If someone wanted to listen
If i could rage even once
It doesn't matter now

My world is collapsing
Was from the start
But trying to find someone to trust
Was **** near impossible

If someone hated me
If the world wanted me dead
If it got any worse
It doesn't matter now

I am who I am
The way I think is negative
And if it offends or worries you
Go to hell its my life

Was it a mistake?
Was awakening a poet
So lost in the depression
More important than being sane?
Was the questions better left be unasked?
They say everthing happens for a reason
So tell me what reason does this have?
Is it to show me that I shouldn't love?
Is it to show me that this poet is better off dead?
I'm tired of trying to reach his throat through my wrist
I want him gone
I think I should have never fell for her
Because it seems that I'm the one hurting myself
Far more than anyone has ever
My stupid ******* mother didn't even hurt me this bad
I'm the reason for these scars
Not the death I've witnessed
Not the *******'s and go **** yourself
Not the you're just like your mother
Not the you're just another charity case
Going nowhere but deeper in the alleys
As you want to scream when the world rapes you
I think I should have never fell for her
Was it a mistake?
Somebody answer me!
I don't want to find out
Big tough guy Robert is scared
And I don't have enough batteries for this flashlight

As I'm staring into your hazel eyes
I'm thinking of all the possibilities
The endless amount of laughter
The massive smiles that cross
Your cherry lip gloss covered lips
The one I love to taste
Every time you shy away
And mumble you love me
Scared because you don't know
What it is that I'l do this time
I can't say it's impossible to love you
Just impossible for you to understand how much
But when I look at the stars
Through your eyes
I see the hope
The last bit of faith
Making everything you are to me
Even more important to fight for
I love you
Nothing will ever change that
So maybe before
I kiss you for the last time tonight
You can do me a favor
As I whisper three words
That will echo throughout your body
As you dream of what tomorrow holds for us

Smile real big and blush

I love you

This constantino ribbon
You managed to coil
Delicately around my heart
Makes for the perfect yoyo string
Guaranteed to hurt me
No matter what tricks you play
Sad thing is
I don't believe you intended
For any of this to happen
Yet here it is
The world's smallest violin
At your fingertips
As I watch you with him
Witnessing every chance
I wouldn't mind having
Get backwashed in ceramic
You and me
It'll never be
You're chasing something
I don't have a need for
That gratification of being
Somebody's little hero
I'm chasing a bigger role
As somebody's little world
I see your smile
I know the genuine imprint
It leaves on your face
But no matter how hard I hammer
I can't leave a dent
On that shutout heart
You forged around his hands
Maybe it's jealousy
So much more envy
Watching how all he has to do
Is look in an opposite direction
You'll be chasing his sight
Waiting for the recognition
You feel only he can give
You wonder why I never made a move
Why my chess pieces stayed
Ever so stationary
What's the point of playing
When you're at a different table
Playing monopoly
With him owning the board
Already won
Without ever giving anyone
A chance to roll the dice
It'll never be
Its all too familiar to me
I'm no one's anything
Just a man idle as a pawn
Easily cast aside
To get to the King
I'll never reach the other side
Stuck on the middle row
Of this board we play on
Maybe I need to play cards
Give up on my usual efforts
All that happens is a broken pawn
Worn out from too many uses
No chance at becoming
That King I know I could be
Its not in the cards for me
Yet again proven wrong
My heart's too worthless
To find momentary satisfaction
Giving way to closer examination
Finding the deeper veins
Hold more riches
Then those seen
With the naked eye
It'll never be
Not at least for me

I tried does that not deserve
Some kind of recognition
Does that not deserve an applause?
I gave you everything I could muster
Yet apparently I fell short
Because tears still roll down your face
Scars appear to dress your thighs
And hide underneath your clothes

I tried to make you happy
And that alone is an accomplishment
Considering that I have nothing to offer you
I am just as broken as you are
If not worse
I may not be the best looking guy
But I had what most did not
Knowledge as to how you felt

I have worn your shoes
I have slit my wrist
I have cried tears that no one could see
But I planned out my life
Just in case I go further in it
Because I never thought I would make it this far
And I know you had your doubts
But can I give it another shot

I learned how you operate
You didn’t come with instructions
But I was willing to stand back
And learn every curve
Every scar you had
Even hear your most suppressed screams
Due to the torture you put yourself through
Before, during, and after you closed your eyes

I tried to make you happy
I tried to ease your pain
But it was by your hand that guided me
It was I you were holding
As you plunged me into your flesh
But I also seen all the guys
You tried to make yourself happy off of
But it never worked


You cried tears I couldn’t wipe away
Because in human form
I was a nobody
To far from you
To tell you I loved you
To far to hold you and make you happy
But I am here now
And I’ll take on any form for you

Just put my other form down
For I have hurt you enough
And I promised never to do that
But I tried to just make you happy
Yet I failed at every attempt
Because I did not understand you then
But baby I am here
And I have learned

So give me one more chance
To make things right
To rewrite the way things have happened
Because every tear I wipe away
And every piece of your heart I glue back together
Will be worth it
Because instead of trying to make you happy
I will succeed in doing so

And if I get hurt in the process
I am not going anywhere
Because every cut every scratch
Every bruise or crack in my structure
Will be worth it
I am willing and ready to die
Fighting to make you happy
But it all starts when I find the courage to say “Hello”

Doctor says I'll be fine
Don't know how long I have
Self destructive tendencies
Killing me quicker
Any second I could overdose
Pour one to many shots
A cocktail of chaos
Is this salt or coke
**** it, on the fries they go
I need to sober up
But ****, its a disease
I'm going to die one way or another
Looks like life got worse before better
Guess that's what happens
When the dead try to love the living
When the living forget the dead

I can hear them in the distance
Sounds of their engines roaring
The hounds are on me
Flashlights and pistols aimed at me
Its just moments away
No point in running
Its all over
My life
My future
All those memories I promised her
Fading away
The closer they get
I can see them
Blue lights flashing
They wanted me
I'll sit on this cold asphalt
Waiting for those steel bracelets
To cup my wrist with anger
Its all over
Tin gods with badges and a gun
Surround me
Birds of supposed justice
Feed on my carcass
Draining the remaining hope I had
Of finally make something of myself
I'll be another soul
Cast out of society
Ex convict with nothing to show
Just tattoos and stories from jail

Look at your phone
Three to four times
Hoping for a text
A single call
Perhaps a notification
People you love or know
Forgetting you exist
Emotions of paper
Just the same old *******
You felt two days ago
Its all repetitive
Everything I know
Its deja vu
I wrote poems
To forget myself
So the world would remember
Who I was
But the world changes
I'm a lonely record
Broken, stuck on repeat
My life seems to be the captured image
Of broken glass
There is no fixing
Maybe I really am
Just losing who I am
When words fail
To escape me
And I can no longer
Explain how I feel
I'm truly lost
Because its all so repetitive

Chocolates, heart shaped boxes
Teddy Bears holding hearts
Asking to be mine
Reminders we all die alone
So as these flowers wilt away
Know in my heart
You'll always be my only Valentine

I find words choking my tongue
Puppeteer to my hands
Voices finally monotone
A sense of security
I've longed for
You'll never know
Neither will I for that matter
Exactly what it is you did to me
But its better then heroine
So thank you

I hate you!
Everything about you
Reeks with the scent of stupidity
You're a disgusting figure
Hopeless and pathetic
I'd carve valleys into your wrist
Awaken the streams coursing
Just beneath your flesh
You're a discrimination
An utter abomination
Skeletons look better than you
Rotting corpses taste sweeter than your name
I's complicated to describe you
I hate you
You ******* *******
Go ******* **** yourself
I can't sum it up enough
How much I hate you
Even if you are my reflection

I was asked for my price
Not for my soul
Not for any jobs
Neither for my heart
I was asked
How much
To rewind it all
Start over with the same knowledge
I know now
Would I do it all over
Could I
Would any amount be worth it
To forget the pain
Erase my mistakes
Say I’m sorry
A thousand times less
I couldn’t price it
Give me your best offer
A six pack of beer
Fifth of whiskey
Pound of ****
And a lifetime knowing
You always made the right decision
Sold
I would have done it just to forget

The scars from decades
Of battling depression
Wars with myself
For the littlest things
But this New Year
I still haven't found
Anything to believe in
There is no hope for me
For there are no more
Words left to say
This book of life
I have been writing
Finally ends
2013
Almost 17 years
And it finally ends
Did I make myself
Suffer this long
Or was it
The constant knowledge
Of a mother
Who abandoned me so young
The constant reminder
From a father
Only home for the weekends
The constant memory
Of a love
That would of never worked
The constant flashbacks
Of times that never happened
Im sick of the constant "what if's"
Im ready to let go
But not the way
So many people want
2013
And its finally over
This story has an ending
Sure it might not be happy
But its an ending
Good enough for me

I walk by you on open paths
Drive by and see you smiling
It brings back the times we had
But its foggy
Only a deja vu moment
We never held hands
Never kissed
Never loved each other
The way we thought we did
Its all so confusing
I dont know whether to be happy or sad
Knowing your happy finally
In his arms
Or sad because we could never be
It all feels so real
The pain in my chest
The haze in my mind
I'm fully convinced
We were something
Only in the stories somebody else wrote

Started with a fight
Forgot about what
I only remember screaming
Fingers scratching at my head
Clawing trying to find them
Growing louder with every pull
My hair thinning quicker
Its happening all over again
I'm fading into another episode
The demons pleading to show their faces
I'm chasing the needle once more
Begging for that high
Praying for the pilot to turn the motors
I want a piece of it again
Taste the sky on my lips
Run the milky way on my fingertips
Its happening all over again
I'm losing who I am
Stranger in my mirror
What have I become
Eyes sinking in
Playing xylophone on my ribs
I'm moving but standing still
Lost touch with my dear friend reality
Are you a dragon or a tree
Could you be a clown or my boss
Do you wish to eat me or kiss me
I can feel it crawling under my skin
The high growing stronger
The looser this band gets
Candles burning stirring my thirst
Veins twitching prisoners to my own body
Tortured by these invisible beings
Its an invasion
Dropping corpses in every pulse
Instinct to run gone
I'm alone in this world
Maybe another 15CCs
Will bring me home to my wife and kids

Your body slowly fading away
Watching time slip by
Wrinkles and sorrow
Staining each line on your face
Its hell to watch
Everything you've once known and love
Get devoured in the sands of time
Every penny you earn
Get sold for a dollar
While your heads under the blanket
Afraid to peek out from underneath
Scared to witness life once again
I just wish I could live in my imagination
Where Rainbow Unicorns dance on pots of gold
Leprechauns smoke bowls of the best ****
Santa just throwing parties
Zombies break dancing
Maybe I'm just living in a high
But **** reality is hell to watch

To love with no end result
To live in pain
And wither in silence
It's impossible

This mask I wear
Has become the face
The world has come to know
And still all I see
Is the worlds back

It's impossible
To just walk away
From the anger and the hatred
To just continue to say
I love you without you knowing how much

To breathe these toxic fumes
That the world calls air
It's plagued with screams
For freedom and peace
That will never exist again

It's impossible
To smile and laugh
When there's nothing to be happy for
All I do is past the time
Sit in silent shadows and wait for death

It's impossible
To continue listening to these screams
To continue fighting myself
To just gain my sanity
When I'm growing weaker

It's impossible
To continue not letting you in
To watch your tears fall
But there's nothing I can do
I'm just as lost, broken, and alone

It's impossible
To be happyWhen your not smiling
To celebrate life
When life has been cruel

They say I haven't lived
So I can't say
I hate this world
But I've seen enough of it
And I can say I hate it so far

It's impossible
For you to understand me
When I told you so little
For me to continue on this road
Of my own self-destruction

It's impossible
To be loved
When all I do is stress, rage, and hate
To love you anymore
Than what I have offered

I'm goin to die alone
I'm already living alone
So what's the point
Of saying I love you
If it's impossible to continue living

I've been beaten, shattered, left, and forgotten
I still got up
Because I had you to fight for
But now I say
It's impossible to fight any more

I still love you
But I'm growing weaker
I felt the change come
But I still remain the same
And everything is still impossible

I'm done with life,
With love, with wisdom,
With respect, with poetry,
With art, and finally with myself
Because all I do is curse myself

It's impossible
To say I'm done
When I just got started
To say I can't
When the will is still there

I'll fight for you
I'll be there for you
I'll never back down
Till my arms can
Caress your body

It's impossible
Not to love you
To just remain silent
When your tears crash
Instantly destroying me

It's impossible
Not yo want to hold you
And give you a place
Where your tears can freely fall
To just never be there when you call

If your 19 and older
Your old like dirt
You refuse to be young
By refusing to have fun

Let your imagination run free
Like birds migrating or wolves on the hunt
Like lions on the prowl
Be old mentally never physically
For this is my philosophy

Never aging like peter pan
Creative not incompetent
Young never old
It's my philosophy

Live a million times in a minute
Be an astronaut
A zombie killer
Be young and wise
Not old and crippled

My philosophy is profound not proven
Run a a marathon in two seconds
The power of imagination
Makes everything possible
No can't or improbable

Vibrant, young, relentless, and wise
Even at age 89
Your young if you have fun
Dont get old and grumpy
This is my philosophy

Don't hate me for my ideas
Love me for my creativity
Because I know I'll live longer
If you decide to despise me
Your old and fragile
I'm young and agile

My philosophy made me young
I refuse to grow old
My body may age but my spirit will not
My mind is set
We'll never meet our grave, you want to bet
It's my philosophy

*** grabs here
Gay men there
Cougars over there
Its not just one way
Its a two way street
We could both avoid
Its never fun when the same *** grabs your ***
Try's to comb your hair
Gets in your face
Begs for a kiss
Take a man sized slap
Four times while I was talking to you
Hung up when **** was getting out of control
Yeah you dont remember that do you
Of course not
Why would you
Cougars with deeper voices than me
Saggy **** and asphyxiating perfume
You got creepy dudes
But I dont see you dealing with lesbians
Its a two way street
So before you tell me I dont or wouldn't understand
Know I'm not the average guy
I make it a mission to understand
But I'm the *******
Because you can't explain how you feel
When the opportunity arises
But dont expect an apology now
Me and you are done
So dont forget your excuse
That you don't know how to talk about your feelings
Or how to express them because you showed anger
Pretty ******* well
Its never just one way
But with you
Its always construction in the other lane

It's what we are
Yet your hypocritical ways
Blind you from realizing
That you preach to me
And judge me for being athiest
Yet does it not say
That you shouldn't judge others
Because they shall be judged by thine heavenly father
***** WAKE UP!!!!
Does your god have a face
Does he have a voice
Does he have a hand that I can hold
If he does then how come I can't see him
Or touch him?
Riddle me that you fuckshit hypocrite
You say my unhappiness is because I don't believe
So tell me
Why it is your so unhappy
Why scars dress your wrist
I know
Pick me
I have the answer


BECAUSE YOUR WORTHLESS GOD DOES NOT EXIST *******

3....2....1.....
Your dream forever seems to be fading
Sand slipping between fingers
Oxygen slipping through the cracks
You're suffocating on the fear
Realizing that in seconds
Your forever will no longer exist

Chasing affection
Where I'll never deserve it
Seeking gratification
Through a smile
That will never really mean it
High and low
It evades me so perfectly
You'd think love was god
Only answering prayers
To the more fortunate souls
And leaving the lost on read
It's Pointless
This life I try to figure out
Believing where belief
Holds no worth
Hoping when hope
Leads to nothing
Keeping the faith
Despite having nothing to show
For all my devotion
Maybe I'm ungrateful
Oxygen still fills my lungs
Yet pain fills my heart
Is that the price for the air I breathe
It's pointless
So here is my declaration
Independency from my failure soul
I'm giving up
Not going to try anymore
Work, sleep, food
All I'll concern myself with
Take life in strides
That will leave me in a ditch
Rushing full speed
To the six feet that await
I'm over it
Tired of the consistency
Of routine heartache
Just waiting for father time's hands
To align with the stars of my fate
Everything has became
Pencils without lead
Just pointless sticks
Waiting to rot
Or start someone's fire