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Mia Lancellotti Dec 2014
you asked me to think about why i tried to **** myself. you told me to write a journal entry and paste my feelings onto paper and make me try to pretend that it would be okay. that putting everything i tried to destroy with a bottle of pills would help heal me. am i supposed to be your new entertainment, your new muse. to try and have me romanticize my everyday thoughts that torment me and create a daily aesthetic for you? explain how i felt trying to destroy myself, and capture what destroyed me into a journal entry. is that what you call art now. ive never picked up a cigarette before and now i cant go an hour free of anxiety without having my lung chew up one. is that romantic enough for you. im not sitting here saying i dont enjoy life, because i do. if you wanted me to write you a poem you could have just asked because youll find more beauty hidden underneath stanzas than my hollow bones. and im pretty sure im sane, even though i have to take a pill to get through some days when i get sad. but you see, you asked me to write about why i wanted to commit suicide. not as to why i did not succeed. and to be honest i dont know why i survived that wave of toxins. maybe it was my fingers that managed to grasp the back of my throat or maybe it was how i already knew the comfort of hanging over that pitiful toilet seat. maybe it was my parents who rushed me through hospital doors at 2:00 am. or maybe it was the nurse who could not believe i would try and destroy a work of art. but i found life while i was dying and i ******* survived that night for some ******* reason. and this is my journal entry for you. not as to why i wanted to die, but as to how i survived. but if you wanted a poem, all you had to do was ask.
Dec 2014 · 786
storm chaser
Mia Lancellotti Dec 2014
my town has managed
to be hit with a snow storm
every winter
since you left

last fall
we were visited by a hurricane
that managed to demolish
every power source,
yet
my mind would not shut off

i can remember how loud
the wind was
and how i could scream
at the top of my lungs without
my family hearing me
but
it was usually like that anyway

this year,
i met you and you decided
to come into my life
and also decided to leave
so **** quickly,
i was watching the news the day you left and a tornado
was going strike down and destroy everything and disappear
and
it was funny because they named it after you

so i sat there, and
realized chivalry had died a truculent
death

but
now its almost winter
and the tornado didnt touch much
of my fallow land
and the rain poured down as the temperature changed
turning rain into hail
pungently piercing my fragile skin
and my anxiety raged because
i felt another storm coming in

but some boy came by
and stood over me with an umbrella and kissed my forehead

and it hit me
harder than any storm
that you find who you need when you need them

you cannot simply be a storm chaser without getting damaged by the storm
Dec 2014 · 578
i stepped on the scale
Mia Lancellotti Dec 2014
youre right
maybe i didnt get enough
sleep last night
i couldnt possibly understand why
i could be tired
i fell asleep at 10
but i managed to wake up at two
i had to use the bathroom
i climbed back into bed
my stomach yelled at me,
screaming at me actually
i hadnt eaten in two days
i went back to the bathroom
i stepped on the scale
i lost two pounds
i smiled and it was 8 am
by that time
my day was about to start
i went to bed around 9 this time
i woke up at 1
went to use the bathroom
i fell on the way there,
accidentally of course
i broke my collar bone as a screamed in agony
i had not eaten in 5 months
i lost more than 70 pounds!
my stomach stopped screaming at me
i was over joyed
i didnt manage to break a rib
but i couldnt breathe
i was gasping for something to enter my lungs and nothing would
but ignored the mirage of pain
long enough for some
****** oxygen to enter my lungs
i went to bed at 8
i didnt wake up
at all
i hadnt eaten for 8 months
Dec 2014 · 393
morning of an alcoholic
Mia Lancellotti Dec 2014
this is the third shower
ive taken today
and now the water
is ice cold
pounding on my burned back
after i scorched it the
first and second shower

maybe i figured if the water was
hot enough
it would burn your essence
you left on my skin

thinking that
the one thing you couldnt take
away from me was my body

but i just dried myself off
and
i can still feel your tongue
on my neck
saying my name

i can still feel your
fingers
grabbing my face and
your eyes staring right
through me
stuttering that you
loved me

and now i look in the mirror
and stare at
whats left of my reflection
and chuckle
as dry my hair

i got dressed and went outside
said hello to michael
got the paper and walked
back inside
fixed myself a scotch

i figured feeling numb
in the morning
was better than any wake up
call i was going to get
#alcohol #love #touch

— The End —