I've been told
that I'm built like a fencepost
Kind of wiry
A few knobs here and there
A knot or two for character
I make a pretty good fence
Good at keeping things inside
Not letting things out
But now my shadow seems leaner
Not quite as tall in the morning sun
The soil around my feet eroding
Drying out isn't all it's cracked up to be
Staying straight ain't easy
The herd is getting restless
And the barbed wire on my back
is tearing me up inside.

r ~ 7/25/14

Are you okay?

No

Oh,
well,
have a nice day...

I saw him at the bar,
ordering the drinks that I order,
he's spilling drinks with my friends,
but I keep drinking alone at the bar,
he danced and said things that made 'em laugh,
I say that they aren't laughing with him,
but I keep drinking at the bar,
he smiles and waves and I think I'm gonna puke,
I fill up the sink and my head tossed in,
look to the left and see him again,
head in the water too,
I think why does he look like a clown,
take my head oot of the water and see,
a reflection of a clown staring at me,
I take another drink at the bar alone

I stood as still as I could.
Trying to hold in my breath, trying to turn invisible, trying to melt into the wall I steadied myself upon. My heartbeat thumped in my ears drowning out all other sounds.

Were my feet nailed to the floor by fascination? or was it disgust? The knot in my stomach laid no reliable argument to these rushing emotions.

My eyes followed his hands; the way he gripped her hips, the way his fingers traced her jaw. My eyes also followed his lips; how he pressed them almost reverently against the base of her clenched neck.
I watched as he inhaled her scent like he was being squeezed out of breath.

She struggled against his grip. Her eyebrows knit together in an unsightly frown. She halfheartedly pushed him off her weak body. It almost looked like she didn't want to resist, but her pride pulled her away from yielding. She was shaking, her form disheveled, yet it wouldn't sway him.

I felt a stinging in my eyes, that all familiar burning I experienced when I felt that twinge of paranoia. That burning paranoia that plagues me now, as my worst fears are embodied.

How could she easily dismiss him like that?
When I lay nights awake craving his skin, his breath, his words.

I have spiraled out of view, just a faceless backdrop in his hopeless love story.

How could a person hate and love so much at the same time?
It just goes to show that the world doesn't work that way, it works to crush you. All these emotions spurt out at once, as a lesson for all the lucky fools watching you.

I am jealous of your bed sheets, that gets to know what happened throughout your day
That gets to find out all your secrets at 3 in the morning
And gets to know who the real you is
I am jealous how it gets to listen to your heart beat every night before you go to sleep
Jealous how it gets to listen to all your favourite songs
How it's able to comfort you from the cold, because I wish my embrace could do that
I am jealous how it's able to wipe out all your tears from the bad days you've been having, because I wish I could take away your sadness for you
I am jealous how you look forward to be in your bed every night, because I wish I could be your home that you come to
I am jealous how it's always there for you, even if you didn't need it
Because I just hope that I could be there for you even if I didn't have to
But I can't because you won't let me be there
I am jealous how it brings you comfort & warmth
For how I wish I could be the one to comfort you
Jealous how it gets to tuck you in every night
And how it gets to sleep and be with you whenever you want to
Because I wish so bad to be with you whenever
Mostly I am jealous how it's where you want to be at most times, when you have your dark days
Because I just want you to come to me in the times where you're at your lowest
I am jealous how it knows all your stories, your strengths, weaknesses
Because I just want to be able to know them too
Jealous how it's the most comfortable place to be, because I wish to be your safe haven

She was there like the cloud
that moved in front of the sun to block the glare from
your eyes
You could tell she saw everything.
She was alone
And she was good at it.
But you saw her hesitate
when she stopped to buy a candy.
You saw her, across the store, pace
back and forth--
with small little steps, rocking
back and forth,
to build up enough momentum to make her decision.
She glanced around for no one to see.
You could see her walk with confidence.
The way she looked at everyone like she was reassuring herself.
She sat by the bus stop, alone.
And you saw her.