you're meaner than my demons

scars are just another type of memory but all of my scars scare me
some deep, some thin
some from yesterday,
some within
these lines each have a story
some because i deserved it,
some because i couldn't handle it

when i told you i wanted you forever
i was giving you a piece of my soul
theres a boy who thinks he wants that piece of my soul
he should know that i am insane
i can hear them whisper but
i had told you i wanted you forever
you couldn't say it back
i can't wake up
i wish this were a dream

yesterday you were here with me
it was another tear, another hug
it's complicated but you save me
yesterday you looked into my eyes
yesterday you watched me break down
on my bedroom floor
yesterday you were here with me
oh, i miss you
i wish you would stay but,
do you notice that the stars shine out for you?
you were here with me and
all i could think about was how lucky i am
yesterday you watched me crumble
and you still love me
yesterday you loved me in my down and out
yesterday you were here with me
stay here
stay here with me

i still wear your t-shirt to sleep
i still slit my wrists at night
i feel safe inside your t-shirt at night
i still listen to the songs
that you used to sing
i still replay the sound of your laugh
when i hated the smell of tuna
in your dorm room after
we cuddled
i still remember the way your
fingers felt running
through my hair
i still get excited when i see dogs
i still like to argue
i still cry because i miss you
i still wear your t-shirt to sleep

..

God I can hear your heartbeat
I still feel your hands against mine
I still can hear your breath against my neck
I still can see your blue eyes
I still feel your legs tangled between mine
I know the world is black and white
but you fill everything with color
I can still see the red
the blue
the green
the blankets
I still taste your lips
I don't want to see you go so I still remember you hugging me

...

I keep praying to what seems to be a nonexistent God. I ask for some sort of strength to get me through these hard times but all I can find are reasons why I should give up

everywhere I go I keep a bottle in my purse
I hear the rattling of each pill
I hear the motion of the pills
around and round
around the orange canister they go
off to sleep
I go
the orange
the orange reminds me of a hot summer day
the sun beating down
burning my cheeks
melting my heart
I feel something
I feel so ice cold
without the orange
without the rattling

i saw you in my dream last night
your fingers traced the freckles on my thighs
i never knew something could be so wrong
but feel so right
i woke up remembering your eyes
wishing you weren't hours away
your fingers traced my lips
i woke up remembering those nights
laying next to you
wishing you loved me too

each buzz,
siren,
honk of the horn
reminds me of him

every person i see walking down the streets

all of the trees in central park

the lone light on in an apartment building

it all reminds me of him

i could be 5000 miles away and i still wouldn't be able to escape him

I don't believe in your god because
I don't believe in myself.
I don't believe in the forever "I love you"
and the book that tells us what
to do.
I believe in the little.
Birds chirping for the first time since winter
type of ****.
I believe in the listening to your favorite song
on repeat.
I believe in inconsistency,
but not in world religions.
I believe in weakness,
but not in your arguments and persuasions.
I believe in soul,
but not that it needs to be saved
to prove the goodness in my heart.
I believe in being unstable.
I don't believe in being
hypocritical.
I don't believe in believing,
because I don't need to.

your hand brushed against mine when i went to open the door
your hand brushed against mine when i turned on the radio
maybe it was a sign
you gave me a hug that day
for 15 seconds i felt safe
you dried my tears that day
i remember the feeling of your thumb on my cheek
maybe it was a sign

I feel like I'm drowning but I have all the air in the world. the only thing pulling me closer to death is the ocean that flows from my veins and I can't seem to get up. memories of you are flashing back to me and it hurts to know you stopped caring. my eyelids are heavy and the only thing wrapped around me is this towel but all I want is his arms.

I could put millions of stars in the sky on a perfect July night and I'd still think of you as the view

I wouldn't mind to have all of my little-girl dreams crushed by your fingers that trace my skin so perfectly

why i started loving you:
your eyes
your smile
your ability to make me smile
what i see behind your eyes
the way you carry yourself
(even though most people hate that)
how you don't care what anyone else things
how real you are
how you listened to me when i was sad
you complimented me
you wanted me
you tell me you love me when you're drunk
you let me cry
you let me be angry
you don't mind my craziness

why i need to stop loving you:
you don't want me like want you
i am not prepared to be hurt again
my heart already hurts
you say you're emotionally damaged
i will lose myself if i try to fix you

but i want to fix you

you make me happier than anyone has before but why does it hurt

10/27/2014

making someone smile gives me a fraction of peace because i think that at least people will have something to look back on when i'm dead.

make sure you eat dinner.

the time is falling like the leaves around you. move quickly.

don't let anyone tell you you're not worth it.

when i went overseas it was like each worry
each feeling of anxiety
each puzzle piece left out
each door left open
went away.
i stopped worrying.

we all need to stop worrying.

we don't have forever. each of us could be gone tomorrow, so, why're we living like we're trapped in some box?

make the best of it.

i'm broken inside and all i can seem to do is trace the mountaintops i wish to climb onto your skin. i try to envision our future in your eyes but lately i can't see past the tears i'm hiding. when we're laying and my legs are tangled with yours it's so hard to look past that moment and realize all the **** enclosing us. i want nothing more than to stay in your arms all of the time but the world bangs on our door and reality hits and i have to face my fears

some say there is beauty in the pain
i don't think you know how i have changed all my plans
theres so much time left for me

your love
made me feel like a butterfly opening it's wings for the first time--
beautiful
yet terrified

your love
made me think i could stop all crimes and fight the biggest battles--
ambitious
and stupid

your love
made me crave you
like an addict craves it's needle--
dangerous
and helpless

Place my cheek
against your careful hand. Look me
in my anxious eyes. Look and see what
is inside. You can see
every strand of fear.
You can see
every hole in my heart.
I don't think you'll want to see
every broken piece.
But look.
Look and see.

It's as if those words you let leave your tongue
Were equivalent to a drug
Shot into my veins
Or
A bullet
To my heart

Did you even think about my feelings?
Did you even realize what you were doing to me?

YOUVE ALREADY STABBED ME PLEASE STOP TWISTING THE KNIFE

there's a park down the street from my summer cottage
I've imagined us sitting on the bench watching our kids play

I got my heart broken on that bench

but the idea of you mending all of my broken places
doesn't seem too bad

I wrote down your name when you checked mine off.
- my ten word story

i want the storm to run out of rain

I promised I'd stop searching for the ocean in my veins

Everything would be alright
If I could kiss you tonight

**** the old pictures of you and I

I'll never know what you felt when I told you I loved you

I'll never ******* know

I keep trying to fit myself into places that weren't made for me
I have too many scars

What am I doing

alone again

the thought of going somewhere nobody knows my name
gives me such joy

the image of a new me
makes me feel like the sunrise on a new day

on rainy days i miss u
i let u see all of my secrets
we left them on the porch
i left u on a rainy day
i wish u could have saved me
i wish u would have said something
when i walked out ur door

you make me feel safe even when my whole ******* world is crashing down

there are trees in the sky and a sea in my veins but you consume each thing i see, when i'm alone on a saturday night i just remember your hand on my waist. there's a whole world out there but i want nothing to do with it unless i have you by my side and i can't imagine shrugging you off, i can't imagine my life without you because i fantasize about a white-picket-fence life with you. last night i had a bad dream and i couldn't stop running away, i always run away from people and i know i try to push you away but i need you in my life. how could you know how much i need you?

you told me you loved me again
i was the drunk one
i almost killed myself that night
you followed me home
to make sure i came back

missing you is like trying to find your way in the dark. it's like nothing could ever be right again, until that moment i see you. i see you again and everything changes. my heartbeat goes from 5 to 29837 miles an hour and god even the ******* temperature changes. my palms get sweaty and my hair sticks to my forehead. i start to miss you even when i'm in your arms and i can hear the sound of your heartbeat. you hug me and tell me to stay. "please don't go just yet." but what are we supposed to do when we live two different lives?
we wait. we wait until i can find the safety in your blue eyes. we wait until i can feel your hand on the small of my back. we wait until you lean in to kiss me because simply saying "hello, i've missed you" won't be good enough.
*i wait until i can see you again.

i sit in my room with the blinds closed and the lights off. i can hear the rain on the gutters, the gentle wind against my walls. i think about you. i fold and unfold one of your shirts that i never gave back. i accidentally washed it. how could i be so stupid to get rid of a smell so heavenly? the rain picks up and it's almost unpleasant. i sit with my eyes closed hoping i can remember what its like to feel your lips against my neck. all this time is passing by and i can't seem to remember what happened and why. i can tell that clouds are bunching up in the sky. i can hear the gathered rainwater falling to the ground off of the trees. i can hear you say my name.

i blocked your number
this is what i'd send you:

i don't want to let this go but theres not somewhere you can meet me. i have loved you and tried to support you, since the day i met you, but i am still not your number one. and second is not the same. i know you think you aren't doing much to me and you don't think this is a big deal, i am sorry that i fell in love that night we first met. i didn't meant to fall in love. i didn't know i'd get so hurt and this would be so hard. i didn't want to fall in love. you're manipulative and you somehow got me to be everything you needed. i let you shove me around. i let you break me, i thought i was already broken and i thought you knew that but you didn't care. you did not care. and you never will. you promised you'd be there to pick the pieces up and you weren't. you never will care.
i just keep saying this and maybe i will believe it but i keep clinging on to the moments when you cried in my arms and when you pulled me off the ground and wouldn't let me be gone. i just cling to these like stairway railings and i cling so ******* hard the blood can't get to my fingers.
i am so sick of all of these people talking and sick of hanging on to you but its time i move on. i need to move on.
you will never meet anyone that cared like i did. i will never love anybody like i loved you. (love you)

my own house doesn't even feel at home
every hug, every memory, every bit of laughter
is gone
the love i thought you shared, is now shattered
my childhood
growing up thinking my parents were in love and that love really was real
it's all gone