alone again

i punch the **** out of the porcelain sink
in the upstairs bathroom
the carpets already maroon
maybe the blood won't stain
everything else is out of my control
just something to make myself feel
my knuckles get more red as the time goes on
my fingers are swollen
but i keep punching the **** out of the porcelain sink

the light in your eyes brings me home every night and i can’t stop following it because it’s the only light i know. it guides me through each tunnel and hallway. it fills a lantern i grasp as i travel through each day, facing a darker darkness. each day i put your light in a jar or a lantern or in my bag and i carry it with me through each and every journey. the light in your eyes is what i see when i wake up and i hope it’s there everyday. i need a reason to keep waking up. every time i look into your eyes i hear wind chimes and i see the light like the sun rising every morning. and your eyes can’t just be described as a color. they aren't just blue. they are wind chimes and they are lanterns. they are stars and they are illuminating. they are candles burning. the lantern cant dim. the candle cant burn out. it cant leave me in the dark. what will i have to guide me through the darkness? what will i have to brighten my days?

you're laying in bed thinking twice about your life

her name was kept a secret
but she asked everybody what kind of flowers they'd want on their grave
everyday she went to the farmers market
wondering if her dead body would smell the roses
or the daisies
or the lilies
above her
she traced her fingers over each stem
she kept a jar of daffodils on her windowsill
she'd look at them when she felt sad
she knew that even though if her death was ugly,
the beautiful flowers would still
lay above her

I love you so much that it hurts and when I hear windchimes I feel your fingers running down my spine. the ocean isn't as pretty as your eyes and I love the sound of your voice, it's as calming as the waves. you make me feel safe and your two eyes and your heartbeat and your two arms are my home. I wouldn't want to spend my Tuesday nights anywhere but in the car listening to music and talking about our future. God, you make me feel like a little kid again. the sunset tonight doesn't even come close to how beautiful you make me feel and I love you so much that it hurts

you hate tattoos and that should make sense to me because you're afraid of commitment

i'm broken inside and all i can seem to do is trace the mountaintops i wish to climb onto your skin. i try to envision our future in your eyes but lately i can't see past the tears i'm hiding. when we're laying and my legs are tangled with yours it's so hard to look past that moment and realize all the **** enclosing us. i want nothing more than to stay in your arms all of the time but the world bangs on our door and reality hits and i have to face my fears

the voices in my head, they won't stop yelling
they won't stop telling me to give up
the migraine in my head is pounding from their voices
i wish i could **** the migraine in my head but i don't know how
the vicodin makes the pain go away but what about the voices

i want the storm to run out of rain

my symphony played the song that broke my heart. the song haunts me in my sleep every night as I grip the blankets trying to tell myself to keep holding on. the song played louder and louder as I drove away from my broken heart. in my sleep she said come inside, fall asleep it'll be okay, but when I woke up I wouldn't be okay. when I woke up, their mouthes wouldn't tell me it was all just a sick joke. their mouths would scream that song. the song played louder and louder. it'll play on a warm day in August when I'm wishing for their arms around my shoulders. it'll play when I'm in a park kissing my husband, thinking to myself about the terrible lives I had because of their decision. it'll play at a wedding. it'll play at my brother's high school graduation. it'll play at a birthday party. it'll play and it won't stop.

my own house doesn't even feel at home
every hug, every memory, every bit of laughter
is gone
the love i thought you shared, is now shattered
my childhood
growing up thinking my parents were in love and that love really was real
it's all gone

you make me feel safe even when my whole ******* world is crashing down

you hold me when i'm sitting on the floor and the cries come out of me like thunder in a storm
you grab my hands when they are trembling like branches in the wind
you look into my eyes when the tears flow like a flood
you kiss my scars that look like red rock and you kiss my bruises that are so purple like the galaxies in outer space
you rub my back even when i am sweating from all of the tears
you reassure me when my mind is full of dark storm clouds
you are my sun in a day full of storm

yesterday you were here with me
it was another tear, another hug
it's complicated but you save me
yesterday you looked into my eyes
yesterday you watched me break down
on my bedroom floor
yesterday you were here with me
oh, i miss you
i wish you would stay but,
do you notice that the stars shine out for you?
you were here with me and
all i could think about was how lucky i am
yesterday you watched me crumble
and you still love me
yesterday you loved me in my down and out
yesterday you were here with me
stay here
stay here with me

I can't do this anymore.

I wish I felt nothing.

there's this necklace I wear layered under countless other pendants that hold memory and feeling
it's supposed to be the symbol "the hand of God"
it's supposed to protect me from evil and give me strength
it used to give women strength and power to be healthy and have fertility
why doesn't it help me find the strength to get out of bed in the morning?
what evil eye has it protected me from?
the history says that the sun and moon are eyes of God, that God is everywhere with us
we can never leave the consciousness of God
it's been traced back to early Mesopotamia but maybe I'm just too ****** up to actually receive some sort of help
why do I even bother?

I keep praying to what seems to be a nonexistent God. I ask for some sort of strength to get me through these hard times but all I can find are reasons why I should give up

there are trees in the sky and a sea in my veins but you consume each thing i see, when i'm alone on a saturday night i just remember your hand on my waist. there's a whole world out there but i want nothing to do with it unless i have you by my side and i can't imagine shrugging you off, i can't imagine my life without you because i fantasize about a white-picket-fence life with you. last night i had a bad dream and i couldn't stop running away, i always run away from people and i know i try to push you away but i need you in my life. how could you know how much i need you?

things change, they rearrange. it might not always be for the best and your tears may fall but it's always meant to be, just let me be

the world is beautiful but i'm ready to die. i found you but why haven't i found myself? am i supposed to be happy?

"flightless bird"

my colorful mind has turned into black and whites, there's nothing to keep me going. won't it please stop? i want you to love me 'til i'm me again. my head barely leaves my pillow and my hands never stop shaking. my throat is so tight from holding back screams and words that were made for you but they got lost in the graveyard of my mouth.

you're beautiful
you're beautiful in the way i want to scream your name
you're beautiful in the way you make me smile
you're beautiful in the color of your eyes

I wrote down your name when you checked mine off.
- my ten word story

it's not too hard to see through these tears i'm hiding
i promise you i don't know why
i just start to cry

..

God I can hear your heartbeat
I still feel your hands against mine
I still can hear your breath against my neck
I still can see your blue eyes
I still feel your legs tangled between mine
I know the world is black and white
but you fill everything with color
I can still see the red
the blue
the green
the blankets
I still taste your lips
I don't want to see you go so I still remember you hugging me

...

I'D LET YOU RIP OUT MY GIANT HEART THAT WON'T STOP BEATING AND I'D LET YOU KISS MY UNTIL MY LIPS BECAME NUMB BECAUSE I'D BE YOUR PAPER DOLL IF YOU WANTED TO PLAY. YOU'RE THE ******* NIGHT SKY AND I WANT YOU TO KISS ME BENEATH THE STARS. GOD LET'S GO TO THE CITY AND LET'S GET LOST IN THE BOULEVARDS AT NIGHT. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME. JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING. YOU COULD BE TWO DRINKS IN AND I'D BE THE ALCOHOL IN YOUR GLASS.

i've never been a first choice
i've always been an object
i've never loved like this
i've never been loved like this

i can't catch my breath when i'm away from you and my mind keeps going back to your lips, i can't think straight. i wonder if you can't sleep at night and i wonder what it's like to be next to you every moment of the day. maybe i'm nervous about leaving for school in a few months and i know i get choked up but i can't stop thinking about the "stay" and the "please don't leave me" but what's going to happen when i'm hours away? i'm terrified of goodbyes. the first time i saw you i knew i'd love you forever and i knew it'd hurt. i knew you'd wait for me to let you know i arrived home safely and i knew you'd care. i get hung up on the moments you trace my knee cap and the moments when you leave traces of kisses around my neck. sometimes i wonder why you're looking at me and my hair on the back of my neck stands up when you do. your voice against my hair makes me feel safe and i can't stand knowing i have to leave this place soon. but here i am back to wondering why the ******* fell for me in the first place. the hair on the back of my neck is still standing and a trail of goosebumps goes down my spine.

you lit a fire inside my eyes
it's only been four months but i feel like i've known you forever
you save me
it's only been four months but you're already my hero
you kiss me
it's been four months and i haven't stopped wanting your kiss
you can't put out the fire
even if you tried, i wouldn't let you
you lit a fire inside of me and i love you so much it burns

11/27


look what you've done to me
i'm tied down
all my life
i've been on my own
but i'm yours now
and there's no other place i'd rather go
no other place that would compare
to the way you make me feel
baby, look
you've got me in the palm of your hands
i can tell this love is real
look what you've done
you smile and it changes my entire world
i'm yours
and you better be mine

what makes my heart skip a beat:
your eyes
the way you say my name
when you run your hands through your hair
your cute giggle when i tickle you
the way you trace my knuckles when we hold hands
how you say "i'm sorry"

i never knew that i'd one day be hooked on your eyes. the feeling i get leaves me intoxicated and breathless. god, i don't know how someone could be so beautiful. i'd do anything to feel this pain for my entire life. i love you so ******* much it hurts me. it hurts me to know that i lay in the palm of your hand, pondering whether or not you love me back.
you say you do and i think i believe you when you say it but there is always that fear. the fear of not being enough. i want to be enough and more. i want you to love me like i love you. these thoughts haven't stopped since july 4th when i saw you for the first time.
your ******* eyes, i could drown in them.

I thought I didn't believe in God until I met him. This boy, with bright blue eyes. I thought I didn't believe in God because of everything He had put me through. But now, all I can do is thank God for bringing him into my life.

i thought the braces would have stopped those people from talking
i thought starving myself would have made me feel good
i thought ripping open my veins would take away all of the pain
i thought boyfriends were supposed to compliment you
i thought my parents would be proud of me

maybe one day when my hair falls perfectly and my thighs don't touch
i won't think as much

YOUR ARMS FEEL SO ******* GOOD AROUND ME BUT YOUR HARSH WORDS DON'T

When I went to your house, I felt at home again.
Your dad gave me a hug. He probably felt each bone in my body rattling inside of me. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you again.
By the time I left your house, I hadn't stopped crying. Your lips stung my forehead. Your lips tasted like hell.
I wanted you so badly for all of the wrong reasons.
I wanted you to help me love myself. But you only hated me. You only muttered words under your breath.
When I got home that night, I finally stopped crying.
The "home" I felt at your house, was just familiarity.
You never loved me like I needed to be loved.
You changed.

i wish your eyes were as transparent as the alcohol you used to drown yourself in
maybe then i could know what your thinking
instead, all i see is the sky
i wonder what you see when you look into my eyes

living with the "your daughter is severely depressed"
means that you need medicine to function
it's not just a cry for attention
it means you have to search and search for a reason to get out of bed in the morning
you think its over, but then it comes back next winter
you think you're fine, something will hit you, and you can't leave bed for days
im sorry i can't help it, mom