When I first heard of you being with her,
I didn't bother myself so much.
I didn't think much about it because
I knew it was never going to be me.
I told myself, "You don't have the right
to get hurt because there was never anything
between you."

Five months after that news, we were both in a party
hosted by a common friend and the universe, with
all its funny jokes, made it happen so that
I was sitting right in front of you,
with her next to you.
Looking at you both, it hurt me so much.
I told myself, "I'm lying to myself because
I knew there was something between us
before there was a him and her."

I couldn't look you in the eyes.
It was the saddest party I ever went to.

if you think of me,
i hope you remember
me as that friend who
was there for you all the time,
without asking anything in return,
partly because i know
you couldn't have given me
anything in return.

i would have to beg.
that's how you are.

if we walk together,
i will leave the hand
closest to you out
of my pocket in case
you want to hold it.

but i remember how you
told me you want to
feel up my thighs.
i will sit next to you instead
and place your hand on my thigh.

you make me tremble.

you never had me,
or rather,
i never had you.
but i was always yours.
since the beginning,
since the day you talked
to me at the seminar room.
i remember how you looked -
your eyes and the way you spoke -
even in that dimly-lit room
i saw you clearly.
i see you clearly.

memorizing the details of
that one afternoon -
cold room
warm hands
heartbeats in chaos -
this will haunt me for lifetimes.

It's you,
who came back for me after that time I got left behind on the subway.

It's you,
and that tiring walk up the snowy hill, and then feeling incredibly relieved when we reached the top.

It's you,
and that time you held my hand because I was scared of the ride.

It's you,
and the many things you told me about the Han river.

It's you,
and your curly hair under that green bonnet you always wore.

It's you,
who always looked out for me, and for everybody as well.

It's you I cannot forget.

I went out with you
alone again and we talked
about lots of things -
things which I hope you
talked about only with me.

I was sipping my green tea
latte and when I looked up
at you, I looked at you
differently.

I never admired
your eyes before, but now
I thought, "Heck, what a shame
if we couldn't be."

The rain,
the wind,
the sun.
You bring
them all
with you.

In a few years more,
I think a part of me
will always be the
17 year old girl whose
heart you broke in
many different ways.

I thought my feelings went away.
That what I once felt for you is gone.
For 2 years, you kept on pretending
that you didn't know.
Maybe you really don't.
Maybe you do.
But it doesn't matter now cos
they're all gone.
But I realized they aren't.
Sometimes I think
maybe you didn't return my call
because you couldn't take a risk.
We have a great friendship
and you don't wanna lose that.
But I'm just a girl.
And whenever you're around,
I feel different.
This is ******* but
I can feel the butterfly riot
and the electric feeling
even now.
And when you look at me,
I swear that I fall every single time.

I told myself
I’m going to pull
myself together and
swim until I reach
the surface.
But it’s been six months
since then and I’m still
stuck in this water.
I drowned, and under
the surface I could see the
midnight sun’s glowing halo.
“Grab hold of it”, I said.
But no matter what I do, I couldn't.
I’m stuck in this same place.
There’s dark water everywhere
and the sun never rises.
I feel like I’d been thrown overboard.
But in reality, I jumped into the water.
I said, “**** it, I’m done.”
I left behind the warship I was on.

How come 3 years later, you
are still the only one I want,
rummaging my empty heart,
reaching out for something that
you took with you after we part.

It all started when I
helped you finish your
Solid Mensuration homework,
when we stayed at the library
until closing time, and before
going home, you bought me
a sundae, caramel flavor.
But you didn't take me home.
25 months later, I'm still hoping
that you'd walk me home.

Hating you is impossible
although you're a terrible person,
reason is you are the sun -
radiant and blazing, still
you burn me from afar.

And I like the sun so much.

I didn't believe them
when they told me
you smoke.
Until one day,
you told me
yourself that
you do and
proudly showed
me your pack of
cigarettes.