When I first heard of you being with her,
I didn't bother myself so much.
I didn't think much about it because
I knew it was never going to be me.
I told myself, "You don't have the right
to get hurt because there was never anything
between you."

Five months after that news, we were both in a party
hosted by a common friend and the universe, with
all its funny jokes, made it happen so that
I was sitting right in front of you,
with her next to you.
Looking at you both, it hurt me so much.
I told myself, "I'm lying to myself because
I knew there was something between us
before there was a him and her."

I couldn't look you in the eyes.
It was the saddest party I ever went to.

i want you
in every way there is to want a person

from lazy rainy days
sitting around in underwear
wrapped up in the covers
enveloped in each other

to lustful late nights
high happy and in love
too absorbed with each other
to focus on anything else

i want you
and i see so much in you
that counting all your perfections
would be like counting the stars
there's too many to keep track of
and they just seem endless

i am utterly in love
with every inch of your being
every corner of your mind
and everything in between

i might not know what i believe
or where i'm going
or what i'm doing
but i do hope
you'll hold my hand
and wander blindly with me
because as long as i'm with you
i don't need a destination
you are the journey

i am simply enamored with your entity
captivated by your character
fascinated
infatuated
amorous
in love

if you think of me,
i hope you remember
me as that friend who
was there for you all the time,
without asking anything in return,
partly because i know
you couldn't have given me
anything in return.

i would have to beg.
that's how you are.

if we walk together,
i will leave the hand
closest to you out
of my pocket in case
you want to hold it.

but i remember how you
told me you want to
feel up my thighs.
i will sit next to you instead
and place your hand on my thigh.

you make me tremble.

you never had me,
or rather,
i never had you.
but i was always yours.
since the beginning,
since the day you talked
to me at the seminar room.
i remember how you looked -
your eyes and the way you spoke -
even in that dimly-lit room
i saw you clearly.
i see you clearly.

memorizing the details of
that one afternoon -
cold room
warm hands
heartbeats in chaos -
this will haunt me for lifetimes.