there are things i do,
alone.
no one sees.
except for the shades
i have cracked.

this is how i know
when to stop.
or better,
to know to go
a little more.
i know because
it burns.
it warns me.
so i back away.

there are things
i thought once
that no longer
have value.
to anyone.

but i'm going
further,
faster
always with
eyes closed

i thought for a second
that i knew
how to make it better.
but nothing
past that moment.

sometimes i know
the best thing to do
and i push it
as far as i can
until no more.

sometimes i fail
to stop the
ash from
burning my foot.

it can always
be more
or better.
this will always be true.

pain is
a stealing of focus

i try to
spread it around
breathe it in

i don't know how
to get anywhere else.

i've used up
all the things
that i knew.

except i know
enough
to hide things.

even entire people.

there, but
not there.

then there is more,
better to see
in the dark

a taking away
of things
always being
pulled higher

it's a place you can go
to catch your head
rocking on what
you must mean

there is not a
way back
through time.

i try to be
the one
who doesn't need anything

i like the word
upon word
upon word
layers

to have no
partner
you have to just
show up

i turned it inside
out
for a moment

i think i
missed
the whole thing

is it strange?
this strange place i am in?
can you see it?
it's just that i can
see it all the time
and it is
distracting.

and i'm back
to a silvery
piece

you have to
invite
the cells
ask them to
come in

and you have to decide
like or dislike
depending on the stack
of the winters

Sometimes I cry so hard
A thunderstorm erupts in my rib cage
And my hands tremble like beach houses
In the path of a tsunami
But thinking of your eyes
Helps me escort oxygen to my lungs
And hold a paint brush instead
Of strangling the sheets of my bed
As if my tears will create a waterfall
Sweeping me away from you and
My pillowcase is wondering why I haven't screamed into it
In about a month or so
But I found reconcile in how your freckles
Resemble stars in the sky
And I've been trying to tell you
If you need the galaxy rearranged
I will do that
every single time the moon says hello,
I can promise you I can make the sun play hide and seek for as long as you'd like
If it means I can see the creases being created
By your smile again

searching.... for that perfect person.  All of what I think I want I also think I cannot have and that it does not exist, yet I continue to search.
My heart cries out in pain and an aching that I cannot ignore any longer.
Is it possible to have true love at my age?  Am I too dried up and used?
There's always the "one day, one day, one glorious day, he will show up when I least expect it" *******.  

Underneath the heartache is a deeper ache.  Have I missed my chance? Is this how my life will be from now on?  Even the thought of that makes my soul crumble.  I suppose if that's what God intended for me, then sobeit.  It can't be true...

The way I hate you washes over me in waves. The weight of the water crushes my rib cage, and I want to scream louder than I've ever screamed before.

The way I love you tears at me from the inside out. My heart bursts under the pressure of the pain you've given me, and I want to scream louder than I've ever screamed before.

Physical pain is incomparable to this.