[asdfhjklqwertyuiopzxcvbnm]
this basically sums up how i feel at the moment.
but this isn't a word, how the hell would it be a feeling?
well it is.
it explains how hard it is to identify my feelings,
feeling too much,
or feeling too little, maybe even feeling nothing at all.
my feelings are as complicated and as simple as those letters put together to mean nothing but everything all at once.
it's 3:40 a.m. and instead of being sound asleep i'm just thinking and thinking and thinking.
as if all this thinking could undo the mistakes I've done.
as if all this thinking could make my current self go back in time and warn me not to trust people as easily as i did over and over again until i got it.
as if all this thinking could clear all the mess I've created in this fragile heart of mine. a heart that was once too strong so people decided to break it, and we all know that what was once broken can never get completely fixed.
oh, how i wish it was just my heart that's broken not my entire being; since when did anything i ever wished for come true anyway?
you shouldn't have left.
and i should ******* stop writing about you.
and i should ******* stop thinking about you, too.
but I can't,
i can't stop hurting,
i can't even breath,
and this constant thinking of you will destroy me.
[is there anything left of me to destroy?]
i hate every inch of my soul for loving you and i can't and will never understand why you of all people.
i can't even say i deserve better, because most probably i don't.
and i'm still writing about you..god, *******.
and **** me, for trying too hard and being so desperate.
and **** me for saying all the **** i didn't mean to say.
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
i'm so ******* sorry for everything,
but mostly for existing.