Feelings are funny things I used think feelings were the sweet feelings you felt when you were very young When you were little (Before the emptiness came) These were what feelings were... to me.
So it used to baffle me when I got older After I'd gone through some traumas of my own in life And suddenly I found much to my dismay That I no longer felt anything inside myself anymore Only an emptiness, a numbness, a nothingness... a void Those lovely early feelings had now all gone I knew...I knew there was something wrong
But then I'd hear some people say "Oh, I feel this way or I feel that way... I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel... And I'd think to myself What! you still feel something inside yourself Y'know Me! I don't feel anything anymore All my old feelings that made me who I was they've all gone And I have no idea how to get them back again.
But then I'd think Y'know when you say you feel...say you feel lonely or depressed or calm and confident Overwhelmed or in control... whatever! all these different emotions/ so called feelings But these aren't.... these aren't the real feelings are they Not like the feelings you had when you were a little child Their just... aren't they just words describing mental states where/how you find yourself during the day You feel sad probably because you're thinking sad thoughts Or you feel happy because you're thinking happy thoughts But sure I could do that Yea! I could say well I feel... I feel hungry Or I feel a bit apprehensive about something that's coming up Or maybe I feel excited because I'm going out to a show somewhere But these... these aren't the real feelings are they though Not the lovely sweet feelings you had as a little child No! Their not the same.
Y'know when a child comes into the world they start as a clean slate They have no words at all to begin with Yet even then they have these incredible sweet feelings inside that make them feel so happy and so special It makes them feel like they own the whole world Maybe... maybe their a symptom of the Divine. I...I don't know.
And I'd say this to someone sometimes and it's like they'd look at me kind of strangely As if to say "What do you mean... when you say... the real feelings!
It's hard to write something about the aloneness from whence you come, trying to articulate your own experience, something that's very subjective. I've written quite a few poems now about the emptiness within and the sweetness long ago. And the Quest to return to that Paradise of old LoL.