I found my grandmother the night she died The room filled with mourning tears My mother slapped me because I hadn't cried in two days At 18 how do you emotionally process a body that once held a life?
Disconnected from my thoughts I felt neither pain nor love nor loss How could I say that, without feeling defective but I couldn't get past that shell with empty eyes that stared at me until I noticed they weren't smiling
When the body turned to flesh she was gone and I was lost in those empty eyes that seemed to hold a universe of nothing and if I stared too long I'd disappear in that void where her light used to shine
Too soon, I held my mother's hand as she passed and watched the life leech out of her skin The eyes were the last part of her to fade I stared at her Willing with all that I am that they would spark and reignite the fire of who she was But her skin ran cold the second the light ceased So cold, yet so very soft.
Two days, and a blended family to hold up Even with makeup, dressed to the nines It didn't feel less... wrong She was beautiful, but she wasn't my mother
I couldn't escape the knowledge of invisible sutures As I held her face and fixed her hair I cursed those television shows I once watched with her The ones that taught us how things worked The ones that burned the knowledge of the sutures into my memory a memory I couldn't escape
Four days and two shoulders heavy with tears Too busy with paperwork and wishes to bleed tears of my own Thankful for things to do So I wouldn't get lost in her empty eyes that stared at me whenever I closed my own
I sit here, grown, wondering how to emotionally process a body that once held a life? Praying that she will slap me for not being able to cry Just so I could feel her
101118 346w I miss you Mami Audio file: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PZOHeLKJCs3Bu5CUYWTQJI6-JOiZp_4c/view?usp=drivesdk