the days where i'm always happy
have come and gone...
if Life is the player
then i am the pawn.
toxic thoughts seep through my skull--
stress and jealously and doubt.
he soothes me with his voice,
says, "keep calm in the fallout."
i can't help myself,
nothing from anyone else, either.
happy? sad?
but i am neither.
empty is the best way to put it,
ignoring all feelings- old and new.
to be honest, it helps distract me
from missing you.
i wish i didn't always forge
such deep and meaningful connections,
always forced to deal with
such painful recollections.
i dream of the day i grow up
and finally find my "last,"
my first- now only
a distant memory in my past.