you are so young. with a quiet demeanor and screaming conscience, you watched the one person in this world you looked up to and loved the most burn herself to the ground.
every snort, every syringe, every cut; you were there. you will help her, you will enable her. you will watch her crash and burn; but you will watch her arise from the ashes and be reborn.
you will blame yourself until it is seared in your mind that you are a part of her addiction. you will become addicted as well, soon. you will take blades to your skin and pray for the courage to push down. you will swallow handfuls of pills, praying for some release.
you will begin your elegant downward spiral as you begin to smoke and steal and drink and starve and manipulate and insert every single chemical you can into your body so you can forget what you have done and what it means to be what you are.
you will search for meaning where there is none. this search will drive you to the brink of madness. you will drop so much acid that the hallucinations you experienced won't go away. you will permanently change your brain and your life forever.
you will believe that it was all your fault, and you will never forgive yourself.
you will encounter demons in the smiling faces of your friends and family. yet utterly desperate and fed up, you will go on a serial killer spree; murdering every ******* creature that tormented and plagued you with endless misery.
this, of course, is in your head; as the doctors will tell you. it wasn't real. but you aren't convinced. you have brought yourself to madness, and you insist on finding the truth. things are going to be hell, but hold on to that boy.
he is your knight in shining armor. your soulmate. your saving grace. he will help you get and stay sober. you will lose and find friends in strange places.
keep ******* fighting
because no matter how much you want to give up,
it will all be worth it for the people you shall help, and the lives you will change.
you have limitless potential to reach infinite heights and find your pure gold philosophy.
December 5th, 2014
a letter and reminder to my younger self.
it gets better, I promise.