Oct 2017
I think about family dinners and cards
How we played skipbo instead of poker
And you were ok with being there anyways
Even though it seemed pointless
And now I'm making new memories
But I don't want to lose ours
They're beautiful
They hurt
They remind me of what we were
Before I realized I didn't feel the same
When I left you said you'd miss my family
I didn't realize I'd miss yours so much too
Now your back in your hometown
One I'll never see again
And I'm always back in mine
But you won't be
I think about motorcycle classes
The ones I'll never take
Because all I remember is the DMV
You forgot papers
And I had to go to work
But we got to talk on the drive
That made it worth the seemingly wasted time
Our home that is now so empty
Finally made me feel safe
And though this apartment is basically the same
It's not my home
I don't have a home anymore
Even those days in the old houses
You gave so much light to my darkness
But eventually my demons won
My empty soul could not be filled
By even your genuine goodness
Because I didn't face my feelings then either
I think of the day I proposed to you
I had it all planned out
The food, the picnic, the drinks, the flowers
Our night at the hotel
We watched It's Complicated
Which is pretty ironic now
The lady at the front desk was so excited for us
Even though I couldn't check in alone
Apparently you have to be 21 for that
And we were so young
But we were happy in that moment
I haven't really talked about it yet
Because my feelings don't make much sense
Is this regret I feel?
Or am I just plagued by the pain of knowing just how badly I hurt you?
I am hurting too
And even in those moments
You're still the only one I want to talk to
2 years of memories
2 years of putting up with my problems
You deserve so much more
And I hope you find it one day
Because I couldn't give you what you gave to me
Your unconditional love and safety
I only broke you down
And left you wounded by my mistakes and misjudgment
Ignorance was bliss
And this reality is destroying my sanity
But I need to face these feelings
So this pain can stop killing me
How we played skipbo instead of poker
And you were ok with being there anyways
Even though it seemed pointless
And now I'm making new memories
But I don't want to lose ours
They're beautiful
They hurt
They remind me of what we were
Before I realized I didn't feel the same
When I left you said you'd miss my family
I didn't realize I'd miss yours so much too
Now your back in your hometown
One I'll never see again
And I'm always back in mine
But you won't be
I think about motorcycle classes
The ones I'll never take
Because all I remember is the DMV
You forgot papers
And I had to go to work
But we got to talk on the drive
That made it worth the seemingly wasted time
Our home that is now so empty
Finally made me feel safe
And though this apartment is basically the same
It's not my home
I don't have a home anymore
Even those days in the old houses
You gave so much light to my darkness
But eventually my demons won
My empty soul could not be filled
By even your genuine goodness
Because I didn't face my feelings then either
I think of the day I proposed to you
I had it all planned out
The food, the picnic, the drinks, the flowers
Our night at the hotel
We watched It's Complicated
Which is pretty ironic now
The lady at the front desk was so excited for us
Even though I couldn't check in alone
Apparently you have to be 21 for that
And we were so young
But we were happy in that moment
I haven't really talked about it yet
Because my feelings don't make much sense
Is this regret I feel?
Or am I just plagued by the pain of knowing just how badly I hurt you?
I am hurting too
And even in those moments
You're still the only one I want to talk to
2 years of memories
2 years of putting up with my problems
You deserve so much more
And I hope you find it one day
Because I couldn't give you what you gave to me
Your unconditional love and safety
I only broke you down
And left you wounded by my mistakes and misjudgment
Ignorance was bliss
And this reality is destroying my sanity
But I need to face these feelings
So this pain can stop killing me
