when i think of us together

i used to picture us standing side by side, fingers interlocked as the train approaches forcing us to let go but only for a second to allow you to step on but just as i am about to follow you up, the door closes, and you look at me through a foggy, fingerprint encrusted window mouthing the word "goodbye" over and over until the train is no longer in sight as i watch your pink lips and fair skin disappear

but now when i think of us i see you standing on a solid white line, fifty or so feet away from me whilst progressively getting further and I'm trying to run towards you but the line just keeps extending and no matter how fast i try to run you're still too far to reach
you're fading and it terrifies me because now i'm standing on that white line completely still, in place and intact, turned the complete opposite direction from you and now that i'm looking forward, no longer dwelling on the past, i can see someone else approaching
i don't want to get hurt again
but time goes on and doesn't stop even for the pauses in my heart rate and the frozen mess of my mind
it's been so much time
and i've wasted so much time that i think somewhere inside the streams of saltwater staining the books by my nightstand,
i've forgotten you

(the next time i try to convince myself that i miss you, maybe i'll start asking why?)