There is a point at which I want to sleep
When the ashes of yesterday’s fires still burn embers of memories
Clinging to my lungs as a thickening tar
I take the words that cover false sentiment
Using them as kindle to keep the fire alive
Allowing it to burn me, deconstruct my organs
Until I am nothing more than entertainment for you
Lifeless, worthless
A **** of jokes
A **** to stamp out and extinguish

I lay lost under a pile of incoming papers
Stacked news of inspirational stories that fail to resonate.
The words drip upon my face
And slip through my fingers
Yet the sentences wash away
With the confidence you drain from me
Until I know that I am only what you make me
An anecdote of anti-man cliché
A burden,
An unnecessary use of space

I am no longer here
For I can no longer look into your eyes
They are drained of the life you once pictured
And replaced with an alternative lifestyle to my own
How I cannot let you look into mine,
For I know they no longer shine for you
Like when I held an expectation of what I hoped love would be
And told myself that this was it

When I lied

When I lied to myself
And I lied to you

When I tried to be the person you wanted
And cut my limbs to shape your needs
Fitting for friends and family commentary
Because, simply because, I wanted someone to say I love you
Even if you didn’t mean it
I shouldn’t have lied
Wasting your life, for so long convincing myself, and the world that we were fine
That I am the problem, not you, not us

But it was always us that was the problem

When there was nothing left
After I lived so long nocturnally in the darkness
And learnt to walk blind
My eyes shined again
They shine brighter, like they have shone for the first time
I have finally been born to an understanding of love
And not even you can take that away
I place that light around me
Within the darkness of this home
Though it isn’t your light to share
And I fail to feel guilty for that
For it is the light that now makes me
I use its brightest beams to look at myself and say that;
Yes, I deserve more
And that you deserve more
And that we, deserve more than each other

Sometimes the only guilt I feel, is that I don’t feel guilty at all