6:15 am*                04/28/16


I’m sorry.

I just wanted to start out by saying that.

I should have fought harder for you; I should not have let myself be persuaded into letting you go when I knew I didn’t want to. The truth is, I was scared- I was scared that I wasn’t going to have enough. That I wasn’t going to be enough. I know now that I was wrong. I would have been strong and I would have been okay and I would have loved you more than anyone could have imagined. Even if it was hard I would have worked through it. But, I doubted myself, and that’s where I failed you.

I could just blame everyone else around me and say “I didn’t have a choice,” but to me that’s just taking the easy way out and avoiding my faults to try to put my own mind at ease… but it would only make me feel worse. I knew I had a voice and I knew I had the choice to speak up and use it but I didn’t. By the time I realized that, it was too late and my fight wasn’t heard. I tried… but it took me too long and it was already happening and I couldn’t stop it.

…

You would have been so loved. Everyone would have spoiled you rotten. The kids (my siblings) would have been especially ecstatic to have a new baby around. My mom would have been happy to be a grandmother (as I’m sure your dad's mother would have been as well). My grandparents would have welcomed you as a great grandchild and you would have been worshiped by my grandpa who absolutely loves babies. I’m sure your dad would have been upset for a while I was carrying you, but when you actually got here he probably would have been completely different about it. He would have had no choice but to love you, too.

And I would have loved you. I did love you. I didn’t even know you yet and I loved you already. I still love you and I always will. I know it’s easy to say “I’ll never forget you” and then stop thinking about it and move on and forget- but you were such a big part of me, even in the short amount of time that you were mine, that I won’t ever be able to forget you. You are a part of me now and you’re here to stay, even if you aren’t physically here.

You will always be loved.

You will always be missed and you will always be remembered.

R.I.P 04/25/16.

(never forget: 11/26/16)
                           ^Your birthday.