Desperate for a baby.
Ultimate sacrifices to make one.
One pregnancy test!
Years of waiting.
In that moment, our dreams came true.
I cried joyous tears; I was going to be a mother.
Most importantly, your mom.
The love grew instantly.
I saw your heart beating and heard the wonderful little thumps.
Striking my senses in amazement.
An intimate sight.
Watching you grow at each ultrasound, as I grew closer to you.
Impatiently waiting to feel you, your first kick.
That anticipated day finally came.
We shared our first moment together.
You never disappointed me.
You gave me everything.
I carried you and loved having you in my belly.
I did everything to protect you.
I had many dreams for you.
I imagined your first smile, your first word, your first step.
I read to you, played with you, hugged you, and kissed you.
I carried you for 31 weeks, that makes me your mother.
I always wanted to be a mother, the best I could be.
I never realized I would be faced with losing my child.
I never expected a mother could be childless.
I don’t understand why life can be horrifying;
You were little, treasured, and perfect.
My world doesn’t make sense without you in it.
A few memories of you is all I have.
Your delicate face, you looked just like your father.
I stared at you, while you never looked back.
You seemed peaceful in my arms.
I wished you could have seen me, your mother who loved you so.
I hoped your muted eyes would sparkle, yet they remained shut.
A couple of hours with you, hours that I would cherish forever.
I embraced and cradled your chilled motionless body.
I gently kissed your soft tiny nose, as a tear fell onto your face.
Pleading to hear you cry,
only you never cried.
The cries ringing in my ears were not yours.

It was time to give you to the nurse.
The hardest part was letting you go.
Conceiving ways of escaping and bringing you home.
A plot remained untouched.
Your father and I left the hospital with a box,
as we watched new parents leaving with their babies.
Why did this happen to us? We nourished you with endless love.
A senseless tragedy I can’t wrap my mind around.
Convinced this is a miserable dream,
still I wake up without you.
Inconsolable and heartbroken
Wishing to be occupied and busy.
An instinctive desire for sleepless late night feeds.
My reality of days drowned by sadness.  
As the tears generate a stream in my house.
This lifeless belly; I ache for your little kicks.
Empty and disoriented without you, will this suffering ever stop?
I wanted a baby.
My dream came true, I had you. .
Goodbye Alex, my son, my love, my angel.

© Jl 2010